This week’s installment of Very Historically Accurate Happenings of Renaissance France serves up a little of everything come for: ferosh outfits, Queen Cathy throwing shade, and lots and lots of scheming. OK, so it was lacking in the sexytimes department, but we can’t always have everything. Mary’s evil Uncle pops back just long enough to get shot down by Cathy and framed for killing Henry, which works to help Narcisse and Antoine with their convoluted plans to… something something whatever. Lola and Kenna do their best with minimal plotlines, while Greer steals the m-f’ing show by accidentally becoming a PIMP. Yes friends, that all happened.

 

WTF #5: Winter is coming. Again. Some more.

Remember how last week we were all dancing to “Chandelier” while celebrating the first buds of spring and how winter was nearly done? It looks like a polar vortex blew into town because everyone’s suddenly dressed like this:

i.e. in actual winter clothing.

 

How can you tell they’re shooting on location? Everyone’s got a) hats and b) cloaks that actually close in the front. Related: did earmuffs exist in the 1500s? Asking for a friend.

On the left, we see the couple Mary forced into happening: Lola and Condé. Conla? Lolé? Despite being their royal matchmaker, Mary spends more of this scene gazing upon them jealously because THE LOVE TRIANGLE THAT WILL NOT DIE.

 

I’m assuming they’re keeping these cups of Renaissance cocoa hot and steaming in their Renaissance slow cooker, I guess? And are strawberries really the best choice for outdoor food? Like, my bananas flash froze on the trip home from the grocery store last week and that was just like a 20 minute walk.

 

For once, Francis’s now-standard Gigantic Furry Robe is weather appropriate. Though for a guy destined to die from an ear infection, you’d think he’d borrow the head wrap from the miserably cold lady next to him.

 

Oh and of COURSE Kenna’s winter gear is a Coachella-adjacent furry vest. Can’t you see her in that vest, high-rise cutoffs and like a crochet bikini top?

Since Bash is also hat-less (as were Condé and Antoine), I’m assuming it was a sign of manliness to get frostbitten ears back in the day.

 

WTF #4: White dudes getting scheme-y

This show is getting inundated with scheming white guys. My eyes sort of glaze over when they start talking about their plots, but I’m pretty sure this silver fox is Mary’s uncle, who wants to seduce Cathy in order to get more power:

 

And we all know this guy, bath voyeur and sometimes Lola-seducer Narcisse.

Not sure why he’s still allowed in the castle at all, but I applaud his commitment to low-cut necklines on all of his cartoonishly huge jackets. This one, with leather sleeve accents, seems like a King Henry hand-me-down.

 

This week Antoine, Sex King of Navarre (and brother of Condé) swings into town, which is one schemer too many, if you ask me. Luckily, we learn by the end of the episode he and Narcisse are working together… or something?

 

 

… but Condé isn’t working with them? Because he’s still spying on Mary and Francis for Antoine? Or something?

Meh, I only really pay attention when my girls are onscreen working their ferosh outfits. All these clench-jawed dudes are just not holding my attention.

 

LUCKILY, Cathy arranges for Mary’s uncle to get hit with poison arrows (or maybe just regular arrows) at the end of the episode, so that’s one dude down. Cathy’s clearly got a way with ridding herself of unwanted suitors.

She’s also a BAMF now that she’s no longer under the influence of the poison Bible and having visions of her dead family members. Also snaps for how her ladies here are age-appropriate. Cathy’s Flying Squad of Lady Spies doesn’t discriminate by age.

 

WTF #3: The Love Triangle That Will Not Die

This show keeps trying to make Mary/Condé happen. Mary/Condé (Condy? Maré?) is not going to happen becuase, just look at these happy young teen quasi-newlyweds:

Yeah, so their marriage is still on the rocks but girl ain’t about to stray.

 

AND YET Mary’s forced to spend much of the episode making moony eyes at Condé whilst wearing this 1940s style sheer shoulder-padded shawl:

 

Oh good lord, it’s not a shawl. It’s a whole ensemble.

This is like her formal pajamas had a lovechild outfit with her curtains. And yet, all of this is still SO much better than that triple-peplum skirt she keeps wearing.

 

Girl’s got her jewel came on POINT this week, though. No wonder Condé (still, yet again) can’t stay away.

 

Below, he’s mansplaining his pain to her about how he felt sooo totally betrayed when she suspected him of poisoning the Bible. Sorry, Louis, I was too busy remembering how you came to court to spy on Mary and Francis to pay attention to your MAN PAIN.

Mary’s jeweled gown here is gorge, though. That’s how you dress a Queen. In ancient Rome, not 1550s France, but whatevs. She’s pulling it off.

 

At the episode’s end, Mary’s tells Condé that he’ll be the death of her, and her of him. Wikipedia begs to differ.

 

WTF #2: More Unnecessary Love Triangles

It’s like this show has a certain quota of love triangles that have to be happening per week. On top of the agonizingly repeditive Francis/Mary/Condé, we’re now back to an attempt at Lola/Francis/Mary:

Have two people who hooked up once and spawned a child ever had less chemistry together? Even Mary’s not bothered to be jealous of these two. Hasn’t the show noticed that Lola’s at her best when she’s being an AWESOME SPY? More of that, less of these Lola/Francis scenes, please.

 

Kenna, never one to be left out, has now entered an Antoine/Kenna/Bash love triangle, despite how Antoine a) is married and b) seems only capable of sexual harassment-level “flirting.” And yet here we are!

Kenna’s trying to look impressed, but I’m pretty sure she’s more creeped out than flattered by this strawberries-and-champagne delivery. Women of the world: guys breaking into your home to deliver gifts is a RED FLAG indicating DUDE IS BAD NEWS. Or am I the only one who’s seen Fifty Shades of Grey?

 

WTF #1: Greer is a P-I-M-P (literally)

OK this was obviously the best part of the episode. First, Kenna and Lola venture into the bad part of France to track down their recently-banished bestie. Which brings us to another rare shoe porn moment in this week’s episode!!

Walk walk fashion baby work it move that bitch crazy.

 

Guess which one of these two women has briefly lived away from court and delivered a baby with no drugs in the house of a plague victim, and which has never set foot outside of a castle before. Which is which??

 

But being a BFF holds certain responsibilities, and these two come to check up on Greer. While they’re worried, girl is feeling no pain because: beer for dinner!

“I’m learning a lot!” Greer says in a drunkenly optimistic sort of way. And we can all tell she’s doing OK because her hair’s got its bounce and volume back.

 

Though hair volume is like the only problem her upstairs prostitite neighbour is having at the moment:

While girl’s first priority is clearly some leave-in conditioner, she’s also in desperate need of some new clients for her freelance prostitution business. Ever since the rumor hit the town she serviced a leper, nobody wants to try her services.

 

In a bid for money and some respectability, Greer uses her court connections to land an interview to be a noblewoman’s companion. She dresses the part here, looking as respectable as she ever has. I suppose she had to part with her beloved accessories in order to pay for her room at the seedy tavern.

 

AND THEN THE GREATEST THING HAPPENS! It turns out when Greer referred a dude to her upstairs neighbor, that counts as basically pimping and she gets a cut of her neighbor’s earnings. And all of a sudden this show got 10000% more awesome, because Greer is now a pimp. Or as we call women who do this, MADAM GREER.

I know this show’s got a track record for dropping plotlines from week to week (Cathy killing Diane; the zombie Greek guy; etc.), but if they stick with Greer’s new life trajectory as a compassionate-yet-fiscally-responsible Madam, I am HERE FOR IT. At least she’s not in a love triangle… for now.