Reign, I’ve missed you. What other teen show would have the Renaissance version of a key party juxtaposed with the branding of innocent gay clerics and sinfully delicious princes, plus Kenna the Sleuth? While Mary smuggled Condé away to the loving arms of his brother (and I mean loving, since this dude’s soirees belong on HBO), Francis and Bash fabricated evidence, lied to their wives, quieted their babies, saddened their wives, and ignored their mother/nemesis who was trying to murder their sister/half-sister/lover. Also, Greith were there, and it was awkward.

 

WTF #5: Catholics Have More Fun

If you’ve been watching closely (when did this show stop being about feather dancing and getting it on in corridors again?) you’ll know this is the mark ‘the Dark Riders’ bestow upon random people, who have conveniently all been executed by Francis for their random crimes.

Looks like a spazzy fork to me.

 

This guy, Cardinal Pomodoro, has both an awesome crimson biretta and a chip on his shoulder. All those bearing this mark must be hunted down and smoten (smote?)

 

Bash has no time for his tomfoolery. I have no time for him until he buys some new clothes.

 

Anyhoo, remember the lovely lady only credited as “Aroused Woman”? Well, we know now her name is Lady Atley, and she’s back with a banging fox fur and more scalloping than the eye can handle. Get a load of that crimson velvet! *hums “Lady in Red”*

She confides to Cardinal Pepperoni that Condé bears the evil mark of evilness, baring her soul because she’s just such a good Catholic especially while cheating on her husband.

 

Speaking of, I’m pretty certain “love thy neighbor” doesn’t mean “get into bed with him”; Bash brands Randall the cleric, Francis gives the cardinal a come-to-Jesus talk about how much he loves Randall the cleric, and Catholicism as a whole backs the truck up, and Randall the cleric doesn’t get executed for something he didn’t do.

This should be a win, apart from the fact these two wear rosaries like they’re Cabo beads and we don’t actually know enough about them to care.

 

WTF #4: Not Another PTSD Storyline

Post-rape, Mary told Francis she wanted to lead separate lives. Her interpretation of that seems to be staring soulfully out of windows while wearing Coachella-ready nightwear, complete with a space age pattern and complimentary wrap. All hail clashing patterns!

 

She then moves from soulful silver tones to…well, more soulful silver tones, and a black halter top someone seems to have added sleeves to, and one of Francis’ opera capes he wasn’t using.

I know she’s hurting, but doesn’t she have a dresser to deal with this isht?

 

Case in point: the close up of her dress for the King of Navarre’s panty party looks right on the money, and I was so pleased to see the alternating red and black prints.

Then the camera pulled pack, and I realized the dress not only has a peplum, one of Reign‘s greatest crimes against fashion, but it also has a skirt so large, the entirety of French Court (WHY DO THEY REFER TO IT IN CAPITALS?!) could hide underneath. Also, pseudo-plaid.

 

Mary’s final outfit of the episode is her saving grace, and also not. The embroidered blouse from her time as a member of Fleetwood Mac is just lovely, but the high feathery neckline of her cloak and wreath-style tiara means there’s too much going on around her face, and she kind of looks like Maleficent in a non-Angelina Jolie way.

Oh, and she holds Condé’s hand while they de-brand him, curing her PTSD. She can now touch men again, but her first comment is, “yeah, but how much is Francis suffering?” *rage*

 

WTF #3: Navarre Let Me Go

Anton, King of Navarre, has more gold thread than a dozen drag queens in one single tunic, and I love him. He’s two-dimensional and looks nothing like Condé, but I love him.

 

Also, he seems to have taken over for Nostradamus with the wearing of the thick fur coats and the having of the thick curly hair. Plus, his orgies look like such fun!

We’ll probably never see him again, but I’m still hoping for an invite.

 

WTF #2: Free Caitlin Stasey 2015

Kenna’s role this episode was to be the deus ex machina through which it was revealed Catherine had been poisoning Claude, and she only changed her outfit once.

Anthropologie need to cut her off.

 

I’m wondering if Caitlin Stasey is too busy launching awesome feminist websites to be poked and prodded into a thousand different costumes. Still, that’s no excuse for stealing my nana’s afghan. Any woman who wears pearls in her hair 24/7 can afford a decent kimono.

 

WTF #1: I Dream of Henry

Everyone remembers that scene from Ghost, right?

 

Kenna’s been swapping out Cathy’s killer soup for healthy, nutritious brie. I personally think if Claude’s stupid enough to eat anything her mother gives her, she deserves what she gets.

 

…which actually, turns out to be a hug. It’s a hug between a dress made from curtains and a robe made from a fire screen, admittedly, but it’s a sign Catherine’s going to stop trying to kill her only on-screen daughter, and those bold tones do go quite beautifully with blush pink and soft metallics.

 

We must be in Once Upon a Time now, because a hug is all it takes for Catherine’s dead family member cabal to disappear into the ether.

Why do I get the feeling we haven’t heard the last of them? Saying that, we weren’t meant to have heard the last of Clarissa, Catherine’s last on-screen daughter. I assume she’s holed up with Lord Narcisse, Elizabeth I, Marie de Guise, and every other cool character we’re not hanging with right now.