So it’s time to bid farewell to this show’s 1,000th not-really-scary villain, as Jack and Emily’s combined badassness throws Malcolm Black into a fiery grave. First, though, Emily and Queen V throw shade all over their human cage before V sacrifices herself for Emily (??) and then renounces revenge (!!!???). With both Malcolm and Victoria stepping back from nemesis status, Margaux steps up to take the mantle of Emily’s Nemesis. Meanwhile, Nolan’s busy wearing cute aprons and helping Louise free herself of her Britney Spears/Amanda Bynes-like relaysh with her mother. But it turns out girlfriend may be better off in a malaria pill fugue state, because apparently without it, she’ll remember that she killed her father. The way things are going, Louise’s storyline is getting way more interesting than that of the Clarkes (I mean, Louise and Nolan got married for SCHEMING PURPOSES) which is, frankly, a surprising turn of events. I always did like a redhead, though.

 

Mama Said Knock You Out

So! Louise’s mother arrives and, hilariously, gurl assumes she’s hallucinating yet again. But when Mama Louise greets Nolan, it becomes clear that she’s really here, and I just noticed she’s being played by What’s Her Crazy Vamp Lady From True Blood That Time! Typecasting, much?

Um…that’s not how we hug on this show. Around these parts, we generally go for less faux-grinning and more steely-eyed vengeful looks.

 

How cute are these new BFFs with their matching looks of disdain AND their matching red-and-white outfits? Nolan’s working an old skool season 1 vibe with the popped collars (!!!) and pocket square. Mindy Lahiri wishes she could mix patterns like this. And Louise continues to work her 1950s Minnie Mouse esthetic, courtesy of Dolce & Gabbana. With those boobs, I say go for it.

Loving the red lip here btw.

 

So, NoLouise head back to their house (remember, they’re roomies now!) for some convo over meal prep. Now, I love these two to bits but I have trouble believing either of them knows their way around the kitchen WHATSOEVER. Exhibit A: Nolan’s “cuts of meat” apron is totes adorbs, but has no food stains on it and is clearly freshly ironed.

OK I seriously need an apron like this, stat. You just know the costume department’s been hanging onto this for years, subtly pressuring the writing staff to throw in a “Nolan preps a meal” scene. Costumers? I salute you.

 

Of course, Mama Louise is EEEEEVIL (see above re: typecasting) and she threatens to cut off Louise from her money if she tells anyone else about the malaria pills scenario. I do enjoy the matching hair color and pops of red on these two. They really look like (dysfunational) family members.

 

But then SURPRISE!! Louise pulls a Britney Spears circa 2004 by getting surprise!hitched, in order to escape her Britney Spears circa 2014 parental conservatorship. And who’s the lucky groom? This guy, in his gold tie and embellished suit. Yet another look that I’m guessing the costumers have been waiting for years for an occation to dress him up in.

Louise looks fab here. Love the volume in her curls (this show has great hair, but tends to veer towards Hamptons beachy waves instead of disco curls) and the way the gold on her dress matches her to Nolan. Now he’s her family, see? And I know it’s just a mariage de convenience and they aren’t romantic at all, but you know these two could have an amazingly freaky honeymoon night.

 

Mama L is like, “Aw, how sweet.” But her shark’s tooth necklace of DAGGERS gives off the not-too-subtle vibe that she will destroy anyone that gets in the way of her and her money.

 

And sure enough, once Nolan steps out of frame, Mama’s like, “Oh Louise btw we put you on the malaria crazy pills to help you amnesia away your memories of how you totally killed your father. Love you! Byeeee!”

So…maybe not such a fun honeymoon night after all.

 

Two Men, One Coat  

In the show’s ostensibly main plotline, David and Jack scheme to somethings something Malcolm something rescue Emily something something. If they want me to pay attention to the plotlines, they have to stop throwing these guys in THE SAME DAMN COAT EVERY WEEK.

 

Clean-shaven Jack still makes the scenes mostly worthwhile, though. Rrrrorrrrr.

 

And then I guess David’s James Bond-style rescue of Emily and Victoria was pretty badass.

 

Malcolm Black, time to meet your maker, Hansel and Gretel style!

Seriously, he was the villain for what like, three episodes? They really aren’t even trying anymore.

 

Move Over Queen V 

Remember how Margaux wanted to bring Emily to justice for killing Daniel, and then Queen V told her Emily’s Lifetime Movie saga? Seems that’s gotten Margaux to double-down on her plans to avenge her dead babydaddy. And villainy has never looked so Euro chic in Bottega Veneta.

(Margaux has also never looked less pregnant, but we’ll let that slide for now.)

 

How villainous has Margaux become? On a scale of Conrad Grayson to Dr. Evil, I’d put her at… yeah, just below Dr. Evil.

Villains need their brooding space, you guys.

 

But while you might think that Margs and V would now team up to bring down Emily, Victoria makes a stunning turnaround. Somewhere between her lover dying, her ex-husband dying, her daughter going to rehab, her son dying and learning that her back-from-the-dead lover was secretly planning to kill her, girlfriend has CHECKED OUT.

She’s now St. Victoria and will never scheme again. Which makes me feel like maybe Madeleine Stowe wants to leave the show because if she’s all goody-goody now, what’s the point of having her around?

 

Apparently, her new role is the Obi-Wan to Margaux’s avenging Padawan. God, Margaux’s hair has never looked this cool.

 

 

 

She hasn’t quite graduated to the brooding balcony, but this icy glare out the window does not portend well for Mz. Emily Thorne. Loving her Maleficent style blouse here, combined with dagger-esque earrings.

 

But will Evil Margaux last longer than Malcolm Black (or whoever the past like, dozen villains have been on this show)? Or is it just her crazy pregnancy hormones making her act all cray cray? Speaking of, will she ever develop a visible baby belly, or do French babies just sort of hatch from eggs or something?