What Jess Wore to See Foli-Gee
At Coach’s insistance, Jess and Ryan decide to “come out” to the faculty about their relationship. Unfortunately, she makes the announcement right before it’s time for the teachers to pitch their field trip ideas. Afraid of being accused of favoritism, Jess chooses the biology teacher’s field trip, which ends up violating a whole bunch of child labor laws, does not teach the children how to properly pronounce “foliage,” and leaves Jess and Coach covered in bee stings. Elsewhere in the loft, Nick and Schmidt both accuse the other of becoming the worst version of themselves, so they decide it’s time to go back into business together (though the exact business has yet to be decided. It might involve turkeys. Or robots.) While they’re doing that, Winston decides to embrace a whole new way of life, with the help of his big pink crystal.
With Ryan on the scene and allegedly single, Coach is tired of not being the “hot teacher.” Eager to secure his position, he stayed up all night reading court cases supporting colleagues’ right to date each other. Totally satisfied (hehe), Jess takes this revelation to her boss. Who wasn’t fazed. Probably because she was clothed.
I don’t even know what’s worse: a) Coach barging in on Jess and Ryan playing footsies, b) the fact that no one even seemed to care that Jess and Ryan are totes naked, OR c) Coach’s plastic-y track suit. Seriously, that thing is shinier than his bald head. Just beacause your name is Coach does NOT mean you can only wear track suits. Also, does anyone know if Coach has a real name?
When they aren’t naked, it’s fitting that Jess and Ryan have started to dress alike. They’re in lurve and all that jazz.
Jess is definitely most profesh in her Shoshanna houndstooth dress and uber cute bow belt, but the J.Crew blazer is more suited for the boardroom than the teachers lounge. And Ryan is seriously channeling Rosewood’s favorite teacher, Ezra, in his button down/jeans/gingham tie combo. Ryan looks a tad nerdy, but he’s so damn pretty that it doesn’t matter much what he wears.
After Jess’ major faux pas in picking Ryan’s activity for the class field trip, the teachers stage a coup against Jess. But our favorite people-pleaser can’t handle everyone hating on her, and she changes her mind and decides to go with the biology teacher’s trip.
Second dress with a cute bow belt. That’s about the only thing I can handle from this outfit. This is dress is much more 1950s housewife than it is young and hip Vice Principal.
So the field trip happens, and it’s a disaster. In fact, Jess’s red Burberry jacket is the only good thing to come from the expidition. Coach tried to dress more like Ryan, but missed the mark and is instead channeling Mr. Roger’s. And then there’s Baby Spice Teacher, and…no.
While Jess and Coach were busy getting attacked by bees, Schmidt was busy having an ulcer. He doesn’t want to lose the “red potatoes account,” you guys! Despite his commitment to tubers, Nick and Kai force Schmidt to go to the doctor, where Nick and Schmidt get into another of their girly fights. Nick claims Schmidt used to live by his own rules, and now he agrees to being the horse’s butt. And Schmidt claims Nick has lost his drive, his ambition, his will to live…
Thankfully, Kai is so darn cute. Having her in the midst of all this bro-bashing is super refreshing. She hasn’t said much, but this aztec print sweater seems to fit with boho style. More Kai, pls?
After the disaster that was seeing “foli-gee,” Jess marched back to school the next day and solidified her HBIC status.
But sorry sistah, not even Winston’s pink crystal can hide this hideous Dorothy Gale get-up. I guess it does distract us from Jess’ swollen face, tho. So maybe crystals work?