This week, the streets of Montauk flowed with champagne as we poured one out for our boy, Daniel “I’m Basically Just a Handsome Face” Grayson. Before we can bury the old boy, those left behind have to cover up a murder and naturally choose to pin it on Dead Daniel. I heard The Brady Bunch rejected this family-working-together plot line because it was just a touch too dark. Margaux’s channeling Season One Emily and vowing revenge while Hot Cop just can’t get a handle on why Jack’s all shook up. Hold on to your hats, babies – it’s all kicking off with a funeral and the surprise guest is the guy who’d make The Initiative shit their pants, Malcolm Black.


Cops Who Just Ain’t Havin It

Officer Ben looks like he’s just done with Emily at this point. His detective friend is grilling her about the location of this mysterious gun – did it come from the basement? The attic? A secret room behind a bookcase? – and Ben’s just there like, “Are we actually going to question this woman? She’s unbearably wealthy and death follows her like a lost puppy.” Suspicions are raised, children.


V & D Have Had It. Officially.

As if these two weren’t already riding a rough sea of passive aggression, David’s daughter is (in a roundabout way) responsible for the death of Victoria’s son. This shit is getting deeper than Dangerous Liasons. Victoria was getting a little wilty the last few episodes and I was worried her character was going to change but after that slap she laid on David, I leapt off my sofa and windmill snapped so hard, I think I cracked a knuckle. Oh, then we find out at the end of the episode that David’s original plan was to kill Victoria? Hun, no. 

In other news, David should be shot for wearing the same damn shirt since he crawled back to Montauk.


The Family That Conspires Together

Whether they were going for a lighthearted moment or not, I damn near died during this l’il exchange. Victoria’s serving you evil stepmother with the mourning tones but showing you she ain’t the dead one with that subtle skirt pattern. David’s trying to give us Parental Face but in that shirt, I’m sorry, I’m with Emily. “Nah.” I’ll clap for that coordinated arm sling though. Great play on the Alice + Olivia muscle tee shoulder patches.


Exhausted Tech Savant of the Week

If you heard a teacup filled with wine smash in the distance, that was me losing my shit over Nolan in a nondescript plaid button-down. But if you heard a muffled scream and what sounded like 172lbs dropping to the floor, that was (again) me fainting over Nolan drinking a non-Red Bull energy drink. If you look closely, you’ll see it’s from the Buzz brand which is Canadian and not fashion related so I’ll stop obsessing and get to the good stuff.


The Best Baking BFF in Town

Louise! Giving you Designing Women Realness! If this is how you mourn in the South, I need to move to Georgia immediately. The silhouette of this dress is exceptional and it’s still “recently departed” appropriate pulling the monochrome look. Can we give a round of applause to that cincher she’s wearing? It looks like a glossy plastic and yet maintains an expensive air about it. There’s an comically oversized black hair-bow that’s missing from this photo but rest assured, it’s real and it’s spectacular.




Vive Le Furious French Woman

After playing up the flirtatious, cunning angle of her pixie cut for a year, Margaux is fixing to channel the cutthroat, intimidating energy of her sassy ‘do. She’s sticking with geometric patterns even in her mourning attire and being a huge fan of modern geometric prints, I’m in love. Especially that she’s paired the muted gold and black tones of her dress with the gold and onyx chandelier earrings that are, naturally, triangular. If she keeps her pastel palette while in her revenge phase, I’ll throw up so many yaaassss hands it won’t be fit.


We’re Gathered Here and Are Dressed To Kill

Children, we have a lot of funeral looks to peruse so get out your reading glasses. If there’s one thing Montauk does well (aside from have a blasé attitude toward homicide), it’s dress for an occasion. C’mon Funeral March!

David and Nolan are keeping it pretty low-key, although I salute Nolan for bravely mixing patterns. Stripes and polka dots can happen, just make sure there’s a good baseline colour to tie it all together.


Margaux and Victoria put their stilettoed heels down and barred Emily from attending the funeral. I mean, I don’t blame them and the fact that Emily got on her high horse about it? Obsessed much? Hun, if you’re going to mourn in a sweater that’s got a serious chest peek-a-boo happening, take two seats and call me in the morning.


Le Widow Grayson looks fantastic in her sensible knee-length shroud but it’s all about those sheer sleeves, while Mother Grayson is giving me more Third Ex-Wife at a Funeral than grieving mother. That said, the gold accents on the belt might be throwing me off. Or it’s that ruche side-panel on the skirt. Either or, really.


YAAASSSS. This queen’s pyre is on fire the house down. Louise knows she’s the new gal in town and has kept her fashion game on point since arriving. A black parasol with sheer gloves? A deep cut that’s showing more cleavage than prom night? That lip? Elvira couldn’t have given you this look thirty years ago and that hooker is the damn Mistress of the Dark. If you can’t see me, it’s because I’m on my knees, bowing to my queen.


Another loop closes in the infinity loop of revenge but as they reminded me oh so often in the first and second season, it’s gonna go on forever and forever. Like, Malcolm Black just shows up and shanks the police chief, so how’s that gonna go down? Probably in subtle plot lines that build suspense. Because if Revenge is anything, it’s subtle.


So. Damn. Subtle.