Ahhh, Protestants! Ahhh, Catholics! Ahhh, chasing down Mary’s attackers and setting them on fire. Seriously, Reign just got real, people — and that’s before we got to Francis and Narcisse having a slap fight in a barn, Catherine poisoning Claude, another appearance by Ghost!Henry, and Condé Nast confessing his love to Mary, Queen of Hot Guys. With all that going on, this week was still kind of short on fashion. Sorry about that, but we threw in some bonus shots from last week’s episode…the one which gave us the clothes happies and the heart sadsies.

 

BONUS WTF:

So, last week was the episode where Mary got raped, and the internet is full of viewpoints about how this was handled. But since we’re here to talk about the clothes, we need to discuss these two outfits.

These dresses really illustrate the two extremes Mary tends to veer towards. On the left, she’s working her best Bed Bath & Beyond look, with a duvet cover skirt, bed ruffle sleeves, and a table runner going down the front. Because girlfriend needs some shape within this 100% Egyptian cotton, she’s cinched it with a belt from a rest stop somewhere in the American southwest. That is a lot of fabric. I mean, girl is BUTTONED UP. And she’s all virginal white, all the way to her twee floral (?) headpiece.

Bear in  mind this isn’t a show about a woman with multiple personalities, and that’s the same girl on the right, throwing down some Kardashian Warrior Princess ferocity. This gown is beyond strapless, with a statmenet necklace that’s like 10% jewellery 90% actual weaponry.

 

Bonus-bonus WTF: We were also treated to perhaps the first-ever decent shoe shot, courtesy of Princess Tramps A Lot.

But anyway, back to this week’s WTFs…

 

WTF #5: Thou Shalt Not Mansplain Thy Manpain

Dear Francis, stop making what happened to Mary all about you and your precious feels.

Sincerely, Women Everywhere.

 

WTF #4: Still a longer marriage than Britney’s.

Last episode, some Protestant dude said Greer had made Lord Castleroy all twinkly, which is true. Twinkly or not, though, she can’t seem to make him stop dressing like a Michael Flatley tribute act.

It had to be paisley. *shudders*

 

Greer herself is not amused, since hubster here unwittingly paid for the attempt on Francis’ life, and is more interested in being a gnarly secret Protestant than confessing his sins like a good Catholic. Did he forget his wife is in service to the queen?

I like to think those teal facings on her cloak are a tribute to that Sesame Street-coloured fur she wore back in her crazy single days.

 

Speaking of Greer’s crazy single days, I like the cut of your doublet, young man.

 

Leith, who never really followed through on his “your live will suck without me” vow (unless you count dating Pepper Pot’s daughter), tips off Mrs C that Mr C is in deep doo-doo. Why, you ask?

 

Because last time he saw her in that dress, she was climbing out of a fountain at her bachelorette party, and because he loves her, duh. I’m really glad to see Greith back in action, if only to give lil’ ol’ Jonathan Keltz a reason to go to work every morning.

 

Leith frees Castleroy by cashing in his war buddy favour from Francis, then tells him to get the heck out of Dodge. Greer decides to stay in Dodge, because of reasons.

…Jonathan Keltz shaped reasons?

 

WTF #3: Mother totes does not know best.

I’m starting to think Henry, King of Cray, passed on whatever STI he was packing to Catherine, because she’s progressed to full on Lady Macbeth hallucinations.

 

A word to the wise: obeying the murderous whims of ghost children doesn’t end well.

 

Catherine tries to get around her ghost children’s desire to murder Claude, (she of the shiny hair and gorge madder tones, not to mention killer 1990s hairstyles and elastic before its time), by smacking her upside the head to get her out of a forbidden room…

…do we ever establish what the forbidden room is? The nursery? Cathy’s sex dungeon? Either way, I love Claude’s rose and latte take on Kenna’s boho style, and it’s a real shame she got all murdery on her sisters all those years ago and must be eliminated.

 

By evil Cathy, with evil soup.

Why would you ever drink anything this woman brought you?!

 

WTF #2: Love is a burning thing

I’ve been dying to rhyme climb Condé like a tree since first we met, and Mary’s been dying to kill the “savage” (damn right, Condé) who raped her (damn right, Mary). I’m not sure whether that’s going to help at all with her velvet-shrouded mental anguish, but sad snaps for trying.

We’ve got your back, MStu.

 

In the end, Mary gets Condé to kill 90% of the assassins, then sets her attacker on fire herself. No comment other than you go, girl, and I’m not going to judge you for wearing the same icky gown all episode (but I am going to cover it up with cloak shots).

 

PLOT TWIST! The King of Navarre, AKA Condé‘s hot brother, turns up to ask Louis if he loves Mary. I really hope that wasn’t his only reason for coming, because meow! 

The level of scruff on Reign is A+++.

 

Does Condé love Mary? Of course he does. We’ve known it from the first longing glance, from his inappropriate use of her first name, from the fact he’s Bash 2.0…so now Mary knows too, thanks to this accidentally delivered letter.

Who’s ready for her trauma to get swept under the rug in exchange for another love triangle?

 

WTF#1: I think maybe Alan Van Sprang sued someone.

First comes a mysterious comforter stirring, then comes a full-on near death experience.

And by “near death experience” I mean dead king and mad queen nookie. I didn’t like ghost sex when it nearly got Katherine Heigl an Emmy in Grey’s Anatomy, and I don’t like it now. Where do the…? And what about the…? And how do you even…? Gosh, I wish they’d changed their clothes more this week.