This week on Remember when this show was called Revenge, not Convoluted Conspiracies?: Due to the relentless ABC publicity machine, everyone tuning in to this episode knew someone was going to die. Once you remove the obvious choices (Emily, Nolan, Queen V) and started considering who’s been floundering without a plotline for like three years, Daniel’s fate seems kinda inevitable. But how did we get there? Well, it turns out Jack’s latest GF is, like every other girlfriend he’s ever had, secretly evil. Meanwhile David’s up to [nobody cares] because of [boring conspiracy thing]. Honestly? The best part of the episode is probably Nolan and Louise’s new friendship, sealed with a selfie.

 

New BFF Alert

This week in news none of us saw coming: Louise is suddenly delightful. No, seriously. I know, I’m just as confused as you are. It turns out when she’s not making The World’s Creepiest Pinterest Board, she’s swanning around on this big ass yacht.

 

While barely supporting her own big ass yachts.

 

She’s clearly a scholar of the Serena van der Woodsen Academy of Modest Dressing b/c check out the hemline on these hotpants:

 

And yet despite (or perhaps because of?) how much of a mess this girl is, Nolan can’t resist taking this trashy star under his nautically-clad wing. I guess if you’re going to hang with Nolan, you’ve got to step it up in the style department. Which she totally does here:

I mean, girlfriend won’t ever not be a hot mess, but at least now she’s got her midriff AND derriere covered. And clearly she’s influencing him, based on his new yacht-print blazer. Nolan + Louise as Besties? I’m shipping it.

 

The Cutest Little Knocked Up European Pixie

So…remember how Margaux’s laissez-faire approach to contraception misfired and now she’s gestating the Spawn of Grayson? She’s not letting that get in the way of her bodycon steez. Observe:

I mean, I know she’s like two days pregz, but this seems possibly a bit tighter than might be entirely comfy? But what do I know?

 

Also, her hair is at peak blondeness and peak gamine adorbableness this week:

 

Note: I hardcore need this pointy-shouldered blazer (with nothing inside?) in my life. Werk dem baby mama drama tears, Margs.

 

After a tete-a-tete with Queen V, she decides to give Daniel a shot at this whole fatherhood thing. She’s also apparently giving herself a shot at the motherhood thing, in this soft robe which is I think the least structured article of clothing we’ve ever seen her wear. 

Too bad Bebe‘s about to be a half-orphan </spoiler>

 

Victoria and David Reveal Yet More Secrets

HOW MANY SECRETS ARE LEFT FOR THESE TWO TO REVEAL TO EACH OTHER? WHEN WILL IT END

NO ONE CARES NO ONE CARES

For serious. These two claim to be all OTP but every damn week one or the other throws down another “shocking” “revelation”. I can’t keep track of this mess anymore.

 

Also, note to Queen V: when we can see the seams on your support undergarments, your dress is TOO DAMN TIGHT.

 

Jack’s Latest Terrible Girlfriend Decision

Has Jack ever dated anyone who didn’t also have a secret hidden agenda? Emily, Fauxmanda, and now Seekrit Agent Kate (aka Portia, Vampire Bill’s slampiece/descendant). But whatevs, let’s all enjoy this trip to the gun show:

 

His first clue should have really been when she was like, “I, an accomplished FBI agent, would like to work with dude who’s been a police officer for ten seconds and is also the son-in-law of David Clarke.” And his second clue is that FBI agents don’t generally show off this much cleave:

 

Even her eveningwear is subpar.

So obviously Emily’s gotta go Super Ninja on her ass.

 

Emily Thorne, Super Spy

As noted in the mini-recap, Emily got up to some James Bond-adjacent hijinxs this week vis-a-vis fingerprint scanner thingies, digital thingies, and other spy thingies.

Yup, looks realistic to me.

 

Then she gets her Bond Girl on with this retro-70s-style halter gown. It has been SO LONG since we’d seen her dressed up I nearly forgot she had shoulders:

 

And then of course David Clarke made the whole damn episode with his Mean Girls moment:

 

Apparently, this is how you do “family togetherness” in the Clarke fam.

 

Smack My Bitch Up

So if you hadn’t clued in by the episode’s sudden Daniel Grayson This Is Your Life flashback plotline, dude’s about to get killed. But did you know he’d get killed because of Kate and Emily’s MORTAL KOMBAT showdown?

On this side of the ring, Faux-BI agent Kate and her flat-ironed ‘do.

 

 

And over here, we have Emily “Unkillable Main Character of the Show” Thorne.

I think we all know how this is going to end.

 

SMACK MY BITCH UP!

 

Daniel to the not-rescue!

 

Jack to the actual rescue! (Looking kinda James Bond-y himself, in this sweet suit.)

 

And then the couple we’ve been shipping for the last two weeks goes the way of Conrad, Lydia, Jack’s Dog, Fauxmanda, Declan, and so many before. Interesting use of irony that Emily’s the one there to comfort him, when she had planned for several seasons to be the one to destroy him, right?

 

Yes, just like that, the show’s lost one more excuse at gratuitous shirtlessness, and also its sweetest, most puppydog derp face.