This week on WHATEVER HAPPENED TO REVENGING IT UP IN GLAM GOWNS?? WTF ALL THESE HOODIES??: Nolan and Margaux break my heart by feuding before they realize that the two most fabulous people on the show have to be allies and join forces against Louise. Speaking of, Louise continues her spiral into crazytown with the world’s most terrifying Pinterest board. Daniel is maybe possibly growing a few brain cells and is definitely continuing to crush on Emily. Jack continues to be the world’s most boringly noble police officer, and David breaks up with his daughter sparkly vampire style so he can get his reveeeenge on New Anonymous Villain / continue to sleep with Victoria. In the absence of deep-underwater near-suffocation therapy, Emily turns to some light torture to help her through this emotional time.


The Chicest Blondes in Town (Sorry, Emily)

You guys! At the beginning of the episode Margaux and Nolan formally declared their enmity in the time-honored Revenge ritual: leaning purposefully against the nearest horizontal surfaces, glaring at each other, and talking in Batman voices. My heart! How could I choose which side to pledge my allegiance to?

Margaux’s Gucci dress with black-and-white art nouveau stripes are classically chic, and the earrings are such jaunty little accessories. At first I was going to complain that the long sleeves and high neck would be stifling in the Hamptons in summer (it… is still summer on this show, right?), but then I remembered that Margaux’s so rich she probably has someone to tote around a personal air conditioner wherever she goes, so: complaint withdrawn, Margaux remains flawless.




Of course, Nolan makes a solid case for his side as well. Three collars and a nautical theme, just as in days of yore!

The seahorse pattern on the button-front shirt brings out the salmon tone of the polo shirt perfectly, and get the little pop of lilac on the underside of the placket! That’s the kind of attention to detail that makes Nolan such a compelling candidate. On the other hand, he lacks Margaux’s ability to suss out a psychopath (and always has: remember his past relaysh with Crazypants Tyler, Crazypants Patrick, Incredibly Boring Padma ET AL)


While Margaux intends to destroy Louise for last week’s attempted-murder-via-sauna scenario, Nolan, having never met a psychopath he did not immediately find charming (see above re: Tyler, as well as his continuing loyalty to the fab-yet-sociopathic Ems), thinks she’s a peach.

You can’t really see much of Louise’s eggplant dress here (it’s being blocked by the mandatory cleave shot), but it goes very nicely with her red hair, and you can see why Nolan would be charmed.


He’d probably be less charmed had he seen this furious debate with her (imaginary) mother earlier in the episode. Real talk: I can’t wait for Nolan to find out about Louise’s Mommy Dearest, because then he will come up with a punny nickname for her and I won’t have to type out a complicated explanation of Louise’s delusions every recap.

Until then, I will just note that Louise may have inherited her ability to wear jewel tones from her mother—love the cobalt blue on them both—but someone really needs to take Mommy Dearest aside and explain to her that dress silhouettes have changed since 1987. Except she’s imaginary so we need to offer the memo to Louise’s subconscious, I guess?


Nolan does at least find The World’s Creepiest Pinterest Page on Louise’s tablet.

Nightmares forever.

At this, thank heavens, he finally comes to his senses and decides to ally with Margaux against Louise, single-handedly preventing YKYLF from being torn apart in a bloody civil war of Eurochic Parisian pixie cuts against neo-WASP Nantucket red deck trousers.


David Clarke, Sparkley Vamp

Meanwhile in another part of The Hamps, David and Emily attempt to hash out twenty years of emotional family baggage as Victoria unplugs her heart monitor or fakes a seizure every five minutes to keep Emily from turning David against her. Or they’re attacked by ninja doctors. It’s always something.

You will recall that last week’s episode ended with Victoria being struck down by God for her lies or accidentally electrocuted by a plot device, depending on who you ask. David rushes straight to the hospital in the ambulance, begging Victoria to survive, but Emily Thorne, stone-cold badass, shrugs her shoulders and heads home to change before she mosies on over.

She doesn’t even break out a good outfit for Victoria’s sickbed! She’s just like, “Nope, standard immaculate camel coat and a rag & bone tank, that’s the best this bitch is gonna get.”


She does take the time to stop and do her nails though, which is somehow even colder.

“Oh, it looks like Victoria might not make it? That’s too bad. Hey, do you think metallic or matte with this outfit?”


So then, she and David talk about how Victoria went out of her way to ruin baby Amanda’s life and David’s all “That was totally a misunderstanding, how she paid that psychiatrist to brainwash you,” and Emily talks about how she dedicated her life to clearing David’s name and punishing his enemies.

David: “Oh my gosh, when I left you those journals that outlined in painstaking detail the way every single person I knew had betrayed me, you thought I wanted you to get revenge? Oh nooooo, this is so awkward, I wanted you to forgive them, I thought you were gonna need all that detail for all the forgiveness you were gonna do. It feels like we’re on a TV show called Forgive, am I right?”


Poor Emily is so heartbroken that for comfort she has to turn to a big cuddly sweater and Daniel Grayson.

Daniel is really turning over a new leaf since he’s learned the truth! Remember how it used to be that he’d just automatically believe the last person who spoke to him, whoever it was? Now he’s able to hold grudges against people and refuse to believe them for entire episodes at a time. He’s also crushing hardcore on Emily since he realized what a badass ninja she is like, join the club, dude.

Not gonna lie, he’s her least boring prospective love interest at the moment, and I could definitely be persuaded to ship it.


Speaking of badass revenge(!!!) ninja Emily . . . 

David gets attacked by a group of doctor ninjas, and Emily comes flying in out of nowhere to kick their asses and then gaze up at David all, “Are you proud of me, Daddy?”


But he’s TOTALLY NOT! He tells her that the doctors work for the guy who broke him out of prison, who is even worse than Conrad (which, ugh, the last time they broke that descriptor out was for The Initiative, and I think we can all agree we don’t want to go back down that road again). And then he tells her he has to take care of New Nameless Villain on his own, and that they must stay apart for her own good.

David Clarke! You can only use that line when you are a tortured vampire breaking up with your underage high school girlfriend, not when you’ve just been reunited with the daughter who dedicated her life to you! (You know he mostly did it so he can keep boning Victoria.)


But hey, at least Ems has a red hot poker and a ninja doctor to keep her occupied in the meantime.


See you next time when Team Blonde Glamour destroys Louise. Hopefully by then David will have realized not to turn his back on the daughter who knows 200 ways to kill a man.