After last week’s road trip action, we spent this episode almost entirely in the palace. Cathy’s daughter Claude, who is apparently the Renaissance Miley Cyrus, returns home to get crunk and mess up everyone’s relationships. That would be enough to ruin Cathy’s day, but she’s also still being haunted by those two little girl ghosts — who turn out to ALSO be her daughters. How many daughters does she have, seriously? Meanwhile, Mary and Francis face off w/r/t Protestants, who Mary wants to help out and who Francis wants to…well, he wants to help them out too, but he’s being blackmailed by Narcisse, and so he has to write a new law making things tougher for them. But guess who’s been secretly Protestant all this time? Condé! So that’s getting a little awkward.

 

WTF #5: Condé is the new Bash, again, some more

As we’ve discussed before, it seems like the show’s using Condé to replace Bash. At first I thought this was Claude, which would mean the two men would have hooked up with the same woman, but no. This piece was credited simply as “Aroused Woman.”

Can’t think of a better way to describe her, or US when the show finally let Condé TAKE HIS DAMN SHIRT OFF!! We were lacking in the gratuitous male shirtless department since PLL took its hiatus, so big ups to the Reign writers/costumers for this moment.

 

Condé also has Bash’s former job of gazing at Mary through swoony eyes, secretly loving her from afar. I think they might also be getting him to wear Bash’s signature leather trousers. IS NOTHING SACRED???

 

I think the issue is that Bash is devoted to Kenna, which leaves him out of the sexy scheming plotlines and love triangles, which is like 90% of this show. So while we love us some Kennash, apparently they don’t know what to do with these happy and well-adjusted teens.

I mean, Kenna’s dress here looks lovely, but we barely get to see it because all she does is be like, “Have a nice trip, husband who I love! Byeee!” and then peaces out for most of the episode.

 

That said, we can’t let this episode pass without noting Kenna’s Disney Fairy Godmother/1980s bridesmaid party dress:

If this outfit isn’t a cry for help from a girl in desperate need of a plotline, I don’t know what is.

 

WTF #4: Claude’s here for a good time, not a long time

This week, we meet Francis’s sister Claude. At first, you’re like, “How could any daughter of Cathy and Pimp Daddy possible be this prim in a pink Angelina Ballerina faux fur wrap?”

… And then swipes a flask from her driver after hypnotizing her with her bare boobs and you know we’re in for some DRAMAAAAA!

Girl’s got the hair and the bananapants wardrobe of Carrie Bradshaw, along with Samantha Jones’s attitude, which means that Mary (who’s so obviously the Charlotte in this situation [Lola’s the Miranda]), had better watch her back.

 

So! Claude is a total party gal with hair full of secrets, which puts everyone on HIGH ALERT.

She’s also pulling off the first sleeveless bodice we’ve had for AGES. Like, they’ve all been dressing so quasi-period-appropriate lately my snark’s gotten a little rusty. So WELCOME TO THE SHOW, CRAZY!

 

And then they have  GALA!!! First of all: I’m so glad they’re having a gala again, after all that plague business. And second of all, I’m getting season 1 Reign warm and fuzzies looking at this strapless 1986 prom dress Claude’s throwing down.

 

She continues with her ode to the 80s with this Like A Virgin number, extra-ironic considering we saw her bed two dudes this week (including a priest) and we know she’s hooked up with Bash (her half brother) in the past.

Whatever you think of her style, Claude’s exactly the shot of adrenaline this show needs these days. YOU GUYS, she’s not the Carrie/Samantha, she’s the Cousin Rose! Which makes Mary the Lady Mary! And Francis is the Matthew…which is not a good sign, actually.

 

WTF #3: The da Vinci de’Medici Code

As I noted above, Lola’s currently the only Lady-in-Waiting with anything left to do. Not coincidentally, she’s also the only unmarried one. Furthermore, also not coincidentally, we haven’t seen Baby Whatever in a few weeks.

Hair game: still flaw free. Dress game: 1994 Contempo Casuals.

 

So, Lola’s still in the midst of sexually charged mindgames with Narcisse, a fact which hasn’t passed her babydaddy’s notice. He gets her to take a SECRET CODE ONLY USED BY ENGLISH SPIES and hide it in Narcisse’s home. Lola uses this as an excuse to drop by for an overnight visit with her evil flirting partner.

Seriously, when did Lola become a criminal mastermind? Remember when she was just the girl dating the guy who was blackmailed into raping Mary, who was then sentenced to death, or something?

 

Speaking of, didn’t she also have a sexy bath scene with her season 1 episode 1 boyfriend? Girlfriend’s got a game plan and sticks to it.

And that game plan seems to be BEHOLD MY NAKED BODY. And it clearly works well for her, despite the whole thing where people at this time bathed like, once per decade.

Also? How f’in hot was it when Narcisse finally went in for a kiss and she slapped him all, “Do not think to take before I give”?? #RenaissanceBURN

 

WTF #2: Cathy’s growing army of messed-up offspring

So this week we learned that the two little girls who’ve been haunting Queen C are, in fact, the ghosts of two of her children who died as babies. Love the commitment of the hair department to give them both Reign‘s trademark braid crowns.

 

But hold on a damn minute. How many children has Cathy had? We’ve got these two, Francis, Elizabeth (the one who got married in the pilot), our new girl crush Claude, the two little boys who were kidnapped by the Neopolitans that time, and of course the erstwhile Clarissa. So…eight?

Though the IRL Cathy had ten kids, so depending how long this show goes on, we may get more Claude-style returns to court.

 

WTF #1 Mary vs Francis

Of course the big WTF this week is why Francis won’t just tell Mary he’s being blackmailed. But he can’t! Because reasons! He’s so distraught he accidentally put on Mary’s blouse instead of his own! He’s so stressed out and ruffled here.

 

You know how black and red are Mary’s power colors? What does it then mean that she’s got so much white creeping in all over her body, sort of like a very expensive fungus?

 

I’ll tell you what: girl’s having a crisis of conscience. She can’t sort out why the sweet dude she married has turned into this secret-keeping, Protestant-hating, ruffled-collar-wearing stranger. So of course she runs to her confidante Bash Condé and comes up with a scheme to help our the Protestants.

Not coincidentally, she’s all in black as she makes these bold moves. Though the boho embroidery and sheer sleeves on this look are way less powerful than her past dominatrix-style power looks.

 

Her power play doesn’t work out, partly because Francis is being blackmailed by Narcisse but also because this is what she wore that day.

This woman hasn’t had a good day while wearing white since her wedding. Also? That skirt is terrible, and seems to have been made from brocade curtains:

 

The episode ends with a tense moment between our teen husband and wife. Mary’s like, “Maybe I’ll just go back to Scotland!” And Francis is like, “Fine! See if I care!” And Mary’s like, “Fine!” And Francis is like, “FINE!” And everyone in the audience is like, “NOOOO!”

You know they’re still totally in love. I mean, look at the way they look at each other:

The couple that shares a ruffled-neck shirt together, stays together. Or at least until a deadly ear infection carries one of them away…