What Jess Wore When She Got Her Biscuit

Jessica Day is in a pickle. Tonight is Date #3 with Ian and everyone knows Date #3 = sexytimes…except when you live with your ex. And nothing, according to her peanut gallery, puts the kibosh on the lovin’ faster than confessing that you live with your ex. Of course, she intends to prove them wrong but, well…Mama needs her biscuit. So behold: Gay Nick. Also in jeopardy of losing out on his sexytimes is Winston, whose misguided attempts at seducing one (or both, let’s be honest) of his neighbors turns him into their personal secretary. And mourning the loss of his bygone sexytimes is Schmidt, whose pain resurrects itself in dramatic form, complete with soundtrack, when he learns that Cece is thinking of getting a breast reduction. 

 

If I had to sum up Jess’s style in two words, I’d probably go with “adult adorable.” Her knit blouse with the sailor detail is so precious and whimsical, but you’d never think she was shopping in the kiddie section. No, you’d probably ask her where she got it (ModCloth, in case you were actually interested).

Unfortunately, no matter how cute that knit top is, if Ian knows she’s roomies with Nick the only biscuit she’ll be getting is Chips Ahoy.

 

 

 

Unless you’re wearing this hot little number. The fit and flare is tried and true for Jess and you always bust out the big guns when you want to bring home that bacon. Or sausage? You know what I mean. The silhouette on this ModCloth frock is flattering and feminine with just a touch of vintage, and the deep crimson is so romantic and classic. 

It’s the perfect dress to distract your new guy from figuring out that you instructed your old guy to play-pretend that he’s gay, has a brother in the Union named Chip, and likes rugby for the game and the men. Which Nick doesn’t do so well anyway, so good thing that dress highlights her bazoombas.

 

 

Looks like Jess isn’t the only one who got a biscuit. Too busy to shimmy into one of her adorably matching pajamas, Jess threw on a plushy blue robe to deal with the crazy cookie/uh-oh/C-plusy hussy Nick brought home that night. I don’t know about you, but if I had to smuggle someone out of my house I’d, oh…say, actually smuggle them out. Not lock us in a room to exercise some very lackluster intimidation tactics.

 

But, if she can’t show off her sleepwear, might as well flaunt her awesome Vera Bradley bedding

 

If only Nick’s wardrobe was as lively as his ideas (come on, roaming around as your own ghost? That’s something you don’t hear all the time. Or ever, really). Although, to his credit, this particular piece of plaid looks exceptionally well on him. There seems to be a bit more structure and texture than his usual fare, and the dark blue looks so much better on him than the garish bright or drab colors he typically sports. Someone found his big boy plaid…

 

Okay, when I said I was looking for “lively” this was not what I meant. Granted, I do like the colors on his second shirt but it would probably go over much better as a long-sleeved button up. No amount of mail-sorting, shelf-mounting, and plumbing will help his long game (read: sexytimes). 

Wait, nevermind. It did work. Sort of. If you count witnessing a desperate round of rock-paper-scissors as working.

 

If anyone was going to tell Winston that the long game was the wrong game, it’d be our resident Hanes spokesmodel. Despite his efforts to prove that male secretaries weren’t the sexiest thing ever, I’m sure Coach hid his disgrace in his hood whilst Winston, his pencil, hardhat, and goggles had a grand old time.

 

Schmidt can barely hold himself together when he learns that Cece is seriously contemplating a breast reduction, and moves through the five stages of grief in this purple checked shirt and gray cardigan combo. I’m enjoying the pairing but not so much the fit. That loosey-goosey cardigan isn’t doing his figure any favors…even though, last week’s episode did him (and us) plenty of favors.

But, he pulls it together in time to pay his respects to Cece’s ta-tas in this lovely, fitted forest green v-neck sweater and gingham number. Well done, Schmidt. This is how they ought to remember you.

 

Ah, so simple, so lovely in this Free People tank. I know there isn’t a color on Earth that doesn’t look good on Cece, but I’m partial to bright or bold hues on her. And no matter how big or small those boobies end up, you know she’ll still be smoking in whatever she wears.

 

Here, Harold and Kumar (as Schmidt has affectionately dubbed them), are comfortably clad in a doctor’s salmon pink wrap. Perfect for an easy farewell with their biggest fan. 

 

BTW, did you check out the new opening credits? Everyone’s looking super snazzy! Jess and Cece are killing it in those bold colors but Nick and Schmidt really switched it up. They switched it up real good. Nick’s dapper in that tucked-in (I know, right?!) button-down and Schmidt pulls off the casual hoodie just as well as Coach. They all look amazing. And like grown-ups!

Stay tuned till next week to see if they actually act like it. (Spoiler alert: fat chance).