This week shows the fallout from Francis and Mary’s latest teenage squabble, all about how miffed he is over her infertility, like all the 16-year-olds fight about. Mary’s determined to get some voodoo fertility treatments, which leads to a road trip with Cathy, which leads to the best ever on-the-run plotline as they’re both forced to impersonate ladies maids. To make things even better, a Fake Mary and Fake Francis show up and start burning crops (or something?). Meanwhile back at the castle, Lola and Narcisse engage in the sort of flirting that can only be done by really smart and slightly evil people. Nobody else really does anything, which is fine, because the Cathy and Mary On The Run Hour was maybe the best episode of TV so far this season.
WTF #5: Condé is the new Bash
OK, so I want to be clear that none of us at YKYLF have any problem whatsoever with the inclusion of new Secret Protestant Hottie Condé-Nast, because: we have eyes.
Eyes that also see that the hair department gave up halfway into these ladies’ hairstyles, but whatever.
Anyway, what’s the deal with Condé ganking all of the “secret religion” and “capturing the bad guys” and “being Francis and Mary’s confidante” plotlines when we have a PERFECTLY GOOD BASH ALREADY ON THIS SHOW??
Miss them baby blues.
But seriously. This is like on The OC when it was like “Look! It’s Marissa’s sister who’s just like Marissa but slightly younger!” and then they KILLED OFF MARISSA.
I JUST COMPARED BASH TO MARISSA. Boyfriend needs a plotline, stat.
WTF #4: In A Galaxy Far, Far Away
This week, Mary took a left turn off of her usual Dominatrix/Blair Waldorf schtick and wound up somewhere near Tatooine. Girl’s looks this week were straight out of Star Wars.
I mean, this one’s almost too easy.
Kenna, meanwhile, channels Slave Girl Leia because: of course.
Like Mary, Lola’s corralled into quasi-historically-accurate clothing this week. Luckily, she makes up for it with this ferosh statement necklace.
Also: her 50 Shades of Mindgames with Narcisse has done wonders for her hair. We approve.
WTF #3: Nola? Lolcisse?
Speaking of the smartest lady in France (second only to Cathy obvz), Lola’s fully committed to her creepy new flirtmance with Narcisse. I mean so yeah, all of his previous wives died UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES but dude throws a good picnic. Seriously, this is like the fourth picnic we’ve seen him throw. He’s like the Renaissance Martha Stewart.
Although between her red dress and his perfectly coiffed facial hair, I’m reading some Red Riding Hood seduces the Wolf vibes from this duo.
And Lola likey.
The show throws down some Narnia love as Lola pretends like she isn’t already a Katniss-adjacent archer.
And Narcisse likey.
Of course, he wants to seal the deal by having her show off the goods for free, because all of a sudden we’re into 50 Shades of Ye Olde Grey. But this is Lola, not Kenna, so she totally outsmarts him and proves that brains are the sexiest of all.
Plus, her lady’s maid got her first bath in possibly ever, so it’s win/win, really.
WTF #2: Cut-rate Frary Impersonators
OK, so this part was amazing. Not only are there two randoms wandering the countryside masquerading as “Francis” and “Mary,” but they’re the biggest famewhores this side of The Real Housewives.
Now, I’d say the first clue these two are the Fakest Fakers who ever Faked is that they, and their whole entourage, are dressed H-to-T in red, which is the official color of England, not France. But seeing as the real Frary threw down red and gold at their French coronation, I’ll give them this point.
HOWEVER, you wouldn’t think even the most peasanty peasant would think the Queen of France and Scotland would have raggedy split ends like this.
And wouldn’t they even know their real Queen’s hair color? I guess maybe not, being in the days before SnapChat Instagram photography.
But seriously. This is like how Olivia wore her hair when she emerged from the woods after being tortured by The Darkness. If this lady wants to pull off her scheme, she needs to invest in some deep conditioning treatments.
WTF #1: Mary and Cathy’s Excellent Adventure
This is one of the best plotlines this show has ever had. I won’t say THE best, because that obviously goes to Baghead Clarissa Sleeps Under Mary’s Bed, but it comes close.
But let’s take it back a step. So, for various plot contriving reasons, Mary and Cathy set out for a ladies road trip. Cathy put on her fav crown and her best bitchface for the trip with her daughter-in-law.
They’re just two ladies sniping at each other a la Emily Thorne and Vicky G when OH NOES! ANGRY PEASANT MOB!! Is it just us or did this lady remind you of another angry peasant in another vaguely historical drama?
“Boo! BOOO! BOOOO!”
Also: Apparently 16th century French peasants had access to excellent dental care.
Cathy and Mary take off and pretend to be on-the-run ladies maids. Mary’s cover story is that she’s just a really, really repressed teen maid with oddly perfect posture:
While Cathy plays her role with amazing gusto, taking on the role of Mary’s mother/fan of fried chicken.
Of course, the whole things turns out to be a weirdly convoluted plot by Queen Elizabeth (!!!) to mess with Mary. I like to imagine Elizabeth, played by maybe Leighton Meester or AnnaLynne McCord, sipping coolly on a glass of wine across the English Channel, being like, “Well played, ladies” as she plans her next attack of AMAZINGNESS.
I gotta say, three Queens is def better than two. At least, so far.