What Jess Wore For Her Very First Bottle Episode

Okay, technically it’s not a true bottle episode — Coach left the apartment for a hot minute to find a prepubescent boy he could scam into pretending to be Winston’s protégé Duquan. But that aside, everyone spends the rest of the episode stuck in the loft, sweating it out as they try to prove that Winston would be a great cop while also smuggling out Jess’s meth stash/aquarium rock collection. YKYLFers: your humble recapper effing loves bottle episodes. Stick your full cast in one confined place and yell at ‘em till they start to lose their grasp on sanity? Yes please. (Hmm, that came out way more psychotic than I intended.)


The downside to a bottle episode is that everyone in the cast wears one outfit the whole way through.

Jess’s sky-blue tee brings out Zooey D’s big blue peepers beautifully, and her skinnies are cute and comfy for a Saturday lazing around the apartment. The meth stash doesn’t go so well with the rest of the outfit, though.


So Jess accidentally got this meth as a free gift-with-purchase with her flea market ottoman, and was too freaked out to do anything but hide it in her closet. Now that the LAPD is coming over to run a background check on Winston, she needs to get rid of it. On the plus side, we get a quick tour of Jess’s absurdly large closet, including her Bad Decision Hat collection.

I hate to argue with the Mistress of Twee Outfits, but I actually think that if anyone could pull off that red pork pie, it’s Jess. Maybe not such a Bad Decision Hat after all?


Meanwhile, Winston preps for his big background check in this solid business casual ensemble.

Cashmere sweaters are always a good look, and the checkered button-down was clearly borrowed from Schmidt.


But because his friends are terrible people, they force him to change into the world’s ugliest Hawaiian shirt instead.

Much better, right? I found it on the lawn. That’s the whole story.


The other guys start off the episode in their normal uniforms.

From left to right: schlub wear, club wear, and sports club wear. But only Coach makes it through the episode with his outfit unscathed, probably because he bails early to prey on preteen boys. But at least he got a friend out of it! Jose seems like a cool dude.


Meanwhile, Schmidt is forced to rip off his shirt in order to…clean…things? And Nick, who as we learned many moons ago gets the back sweats when he lies, must put on Schmidt’s kimono to cover his tell. He objects for the sound reason that this will justify Schmidt owning a kimono, but nothing else can be done.

Cece seems kinda in to the whole thing, though.


Luckily it turns out that the real problem is that Jess cannot identify meth on sight, and the stash was aquarium rocks all along.

So Jess isn’t going to prison, Winston gets to stay at the police academy, and everyone else got to spend the day frantically cleaning fake meth out of their apartment. Happy endings all around! I’m as surprised as you are that Winston apparently has the makings of a competent cop, but I mean, it’s not like he could be worse than Toby Cavanaugh