Previously on Reign: Mary finally announced her pregnancy, only to lose the baby at the most convenient time for the plot (RIP, Baby Frary), Condé-Nast was everybody’s wingman (and appears to be also related to everyone he isn’t doing keg stands with as of yet), Greer and Castleroy made a valiant attempt at will they/won’t they tension (they will), and the annoyingly sexy Narcisse wept sexily about all his dead wives on Lola’s sexy shoulder (she is going to have that cake and eat it if it’s the last thing I do). This week, the sexy Pagans/Protestants are back, it’s Girls Gone Wild at French court, and Lola’s baby has been relegated offscreen so mama can have the sexy timez.

 

WTF #5: Brother from Another Mother

So there were these Protestants, and they were having a service in a barn, led by this guy:

That is a divine shade of blue, good sir, but not very Protestant. Remember, anything sparkly = popery, so why are this lot not all in monochrome?

 

Bonus WTF, Greer’s intended is there! No word on how their sexy timez went last episode, but he is rocking some scruff and something made of paisley…a doublet? A particularly fetching onesie? Or is he doing the walk of shame in one of Greer’s old gowns?

 

Blah blah, the Catholics burn the barn and beat this comely young man to death:

This comely young man whom, aside from knowing his neutrals, happens to be Condé’s nephew. No, he isn’t. Condé is nowhere near old enough to have a nephew of this age, loopy Rosewood-esque timeline.

 

It turns out everyone thinks Condé’s a Protestant because he practically is, all his family members are, and those riders from last week branded him with a sexy mark, just like last season’s sexy Pagans.

Apparently, they did it so they could “lift up his shirt and demonise him”. I’d like to lift up his shirt and demonise him, but Lord Narcisse claims his nephew threw a rock at someone, and someone’s shop gets trashed, and there’s a Jesus-off between Francis and Narcisse about being tolerant versus being evil, but more on that later.

tl;dr — Condé has yet to take his shirt off, and we are not amused.

 

WTF #4: This Book is Property of the Half-Blood Prince

Apparently, at a time when you’d get a red hot poker up the you-know-what for doing you-know-what, some casual Sapphic shenanigans are just fine by Mrs. The King’s Deputy.

Apparently, it was all spurred by a sexy Tom Riddle-esque diary detailing the sexual prowess of everyone at court…and yet, Kenna didn’t write it (with that neckline? Yeah, right).

 

Cathy (who also didn’t write the diary, but who looks ferosh in a sort of paint-splattered, fake-beard-collar-y black and silver business) suggests the fairest of them all is Lord Aris, and it is he whom Lola should bestow her charms upon. Whether Lola will keep wearing my senior prom dress while doing so is anyone’s guess.

Kenna’s inner Nicole Richie has risen again, I see (and what I see is floaty bandage dress).

 

This is Lord Aris, but he doesn’t have a butterfly tram stamp, so the sex machine is not he…

And it’s not dead King Henry either – it’s Lord Narcisse, who wants to take tea with Lola because they’re both scary! Him because, well, he’s scary, and her because she’s the mother of Baron Jon Favreau or something. It’s ironic Lord Aris wanted to take her sailing before Narcisse cut in, because I ship it.

Lolcisse? Narla?

 

Let’s suspend lovey-dovey ooey-gooey-ness to talk about how gorgeous Lola looks at Greer’s wedding. There’s something Grecian about her dress, although I suspect Narcisse would be more impressed if she dispensed with those nude panels and went full on spangly Bond Girl.

(The little row of buttons down the front? Precious).

 

WTF #3: Greer, Queen of Frocks

I miss the days when Leith’s job was making omelettes, not rounding up sexy Pagans Protestants and telling on them to their girlfriends.

 

And by “telling on them”, I mean mumbling there’s a thing that should be thing-ed before anyone marries anyone and then not objecting at the wedding because he’s an idiot.

Greer jumped in a fountain for her bachelorette party. Spring break, woo!

 

Pre-Just Add Water-ing herself, she was attired in this beautifully filmy green gown, with minor braid porn going on for good measure. Greer is at her best when she’s simple, so I’m glad she’s given up skinning Cookie Monsters to plump out her wardrobe.

Oh, and Castleroy’s non-dead children love her, because she’s awesome.

 

In accordance with Leith’s advice, she does ask sexy Pagan Protestant Aloysius about the thing, flashing major cleave and blooming like a rose in roses. I’m not sure whether this is meant to be a nightgown or a dressing gown or what, but I could say the same of much of these ladies’ outfits.

 

I don’t think this even needs captioning *wipes tear*

This is Princess Di and F. Scott Fitzgerald and everything. God save Celina Sinden, and well done Greer, for being nearly 300 years ahead of the white wedding dress trend. She’s is my favourite bride yet, topping even Mary (it’s her Marcel wave — squee!)

 

WTF #2: I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Existential Crises

It’s understandable, after her recent tragedy, that Mary dials back the jewels and opts for sober black with the most tasteful of embellishment, plus her least in-your-face tiara.

My only problem is she basically doesn’t wear anything else all episode. That’s unheard of.

 

She does dress up for Lola’s wedding, but the whole ensemble has a distinct air ‘touch me not’. Could be the spiky sequinned epaulettes, could be the spiky celestial earrings, could be the fact she’s yelling at Francis about feminism in a time before feminism. I feel you, Mary.

 

The final straw comes when Francis, displacing his anger about a deep and dark thing that just happened (coming right up!) calls her a failure for not producing a baby.

a) How very dare you, Francis. My sexy Pagans Protestants are coming for you, and b) how can you yell at Mary when she’s looking all sheer and frilly and adorbs. Double shame on you, King Assface.

 

WTF #1: It’s a G-G-G-Ghost!

“The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir, beware.”

 

First Caroline’s in the corridor, then the infirmary, then in the grounds, then the jail…no wonder Francis got so angsty he helpfully shouted that he killed his father with Lord Narcisse outside the door. Why does no one on this show have an inside voice?! It would save so much trouble.

 

Of course, Black Narcissus was behind the whole dead King Henry business, and is now blackmailing the King of France, wearing righteous velvet and hitting on Lola all in one week.

I really like where this is going — partly because I fancy Narcisse, and partly because fetus-faced Toby Regbo looking like he’s about to cry every five minutes gives me such joy.

Time to trend #Lolcisse4KingNQueen1K558, methinks.