IT’S CORONATION TIME, Y’ALL!!! Woo, party in Renaissance France. This week, Francis became a real boy king at the world’s shortest coronation ceremony, Mary became Queen of France, and Cathy was bumped down to dowager queen. Don’t be too sad for her, as Ms. Medici has her own thing brewing with Lord Narcisse. Also, we continue to be bored/baffled by Reign’s commitment to the grain story line, which…no. Get back to the feral lovechildren hiding in corridors with bags over their heads.

 

5. Grain dramz =/= interesting TV

Whose decision was it to make an episode 95% about France’s grain shipments? Did we miss something about The CW’s target demo? Are they more into historical farming storylines instead of people getting sexed out of windows?

At least the GRAIN DRAMA gave us a chance to see SO MUCH OUTFITS, starting with these:

Francis is again modelling the official leather jeggings of Kingdom (as worn like every week by his father) while Mary’s wearing…let’s take a closer look.

The green and cold combo is a nice change from the usz black-on-black-on-black, but this whole look is sorta haphazard. Like the top half is a minidress, and then she wrapped a bedsheet around her waist and cinched it with a belt.

And of course this is what she wears for horseback riding because, why not?

 

When we caught sight of these German prisoners we wondered briefly if they were lost extras from The Walking Dead. “Ok guys, look sad. Aaaaaand, action!”

BRAAAAAAINS.

 

And as if the GRAIN wasn’t already the worst plotline ever, they throw in another snoozefest of a plotline: The Bouchard Murder. But more importantly, why is this document in ENGLISH AND NOT IN FRENCH?

We understand why they’re not speaking French on the show. Hell, we even understand why they don’t even have French accents. But they could at least write in French and PRETEND that the show is taking place in France.

 

4. Big Ass Earrings

Mary was having a Mindy Lahiri moment this week, not only with the gratuitous number of outfit changes, but with the BIG ASS EARRINGS included with each and every look.

Big.

 

Bigger.

 

Biggest?

 

Biggest-est?

 

Girlfriend even wore shoulder-dusters to her coronation. Like, maybe keep the focus on the crown you’re about to wear? More on this in a bit.

 

The only one who didn’t was Kenna because SHE’S POOR YOU GUYS. All she was able to wear was this…floral…lace…head…piece?

Girl’s so poor she can’t even afford more than a single barrel-curl on each side.

 

Her “poverty” becomes an issue after a day spent with The Real Housewives of Renaissance France.

Kenna’s like the Brandi Glanville in this scenario. With Lola as the Nene? Not sure.

 

Lola, whose entire plotline seems to be “I am standing here holding a baby”, throws down pearls the size of clams in the big ass earring sweepstakes. Pretty sure women with little infants don’t tend to wear things that dangle and can be painfully ripped off of your earlobes, no?

 

Related: pretty embroidered dress, but not practical around newborn spit-up.

Pretty sure leaving your prefect flowing locks hanging down like that is also not recommended for babymamas, but her hair looks so pretty we can’t blame her for flaunting it.

 

While the other Housewives are all mean girls, this one seems nice…maybe? Plus: big ass earrings.

 

Greer (who is not poor anymore so…not sure why her hair is so flat) throws down her own pair of B.A.Es.

Remember when she used to be the trashy, over-accessorized one? Has marriage to Pepperpot made her less desperate for attention? Wait, is she even married to Pepperpot or just engaged or…? Can’t remember.

 

3. 1559 is the new 1932

Art deco designs for everyone! Who cares if art deco wasn’t invented until the twentieth century? SO PRETTY.

This is like Mary’s seventeenth gown of the episode BTW. Almost enough to make you forget that all she does for the entire hour is talk about grain shipments. Seems like a more pressing budgetary issue is the amount she’s spending on gowns, earrings and crowns.

 

Between that look on Mary, Lola’s party dress, and Greer below, the ladies were having a real bodycon nude gown moment.

Loving this crown on Mary. She could gauge someone’s eye out with the point of that.

 

The embrodiery on Kenna’s gown isn’t machine-age, but the shape is.

Plus: Sad Hair of Abject Poverty.

 

Is this the receiving line for the double coronation, or a shot from the 1932 Oscar ceremony?

We appreciate how the ladies’ gilded gowns are bookended by Bash and Condé Nast . #swoonsies

 

2. Cathy and Narcy, sitting under a tree

Cathy goes on so. many. picnics this week, all of which she spends playing psychological chess with Narcissist. And also wearing dresses made of, we think, heavy drapery.

 

Upon closer inspection, this is veering a bit too far in the hippie-velour-new-agey direction for our tastes. Snaps for the subtle crown. One should always match ones hair ornaments to ones hair color.

And what’s up with that necklace? Even Kenna’s sporting more bling this week and she’s SO POOR YOU GUYS so Cathy has no excuse.

 

Aww, but her new bae looks so sweet here in his blousy top and pantaloons.

Bless.

 

Picnic #2 finds Cathy stepping up her fashion game considerably. This first pose is like a James Bond villainess, plotting how to destroy the world, which is obviously the way Cathy starts out every morning.

Also that is A LOT of fruit. Keeps you regular!

 

Another subtle crown, in addition to the sort of hair bling I assume you could pick up from the Renaissance version of Claire’s. Narcy sporting his usual 75% stubble and gratuitously v-necked shirt.

You don’t have to read much of our archives to know that we here at YKYLF heartily approve of this day-drinking. Apparently the fruit was just for decoration, not for consumption.

 

Cathy had several good zingers this episode, but our favorite was “Truly Francis, I don’t even know why she’s in this conversation.”

See, this is a better crown. At least it’s not subtle camoflaging with her red hair and/or making it look like she’s got devil horns. Who’s the Queen now, Mary?? #QueenVsQueen

 

Have you noticed that Cathy is CONSTANTLY holding her hands like this?

She does it again at the coronation later. It’s like someone told this show’s cast that sticking out your elbows makes you look more Renaissance-y or something.

 

1. Scottish Queens are Impervious to Cold

Does she not feel a bit nippy? Or are those floaty panels enough to keep her shoulders warm? Does anyone know what time of year it’s supposed to be, anyway? This show is on like Rosewood time, where three years in our time is like one year in theirs.

ALSO, she had the worst time walking in this dress. Memo to wardrobe dept: if you’re going to do a walk-and-talk, maybe give girlfriend a dress that doesn’t bind her knees together. XO, YKYLF

 

The only time she bundled up was in this cloak, designed to make her Royal Hands pose.

Loving how much Francis enjoys his new favourite accessory: SWORD!

 

Mary’s next look is a throwback to those peasant tops she liked to wear in the first season. The combo of the star earrings with this top turn it into a sort of Sexy Witch Halloween costume and WTF the visible bra?

(Francis: SWORD!)

 

I guess this makes a more sensible riding outfit than the knee-binding dress. She’s only got two looks: huge-ass skirts and too-tight skirt. Apparently A-lines weren’t invented yet.

 

For their coronation, Francis gets a Pimp Daddy-style fur-lined cloak while she’s getting the cold shoulder(s).

 

Remember last year when she strutted out of the carriage in a red and gold dress, signifying her intent to take over England? Why are the King and Queen of France wearing English colors for their coronation? (France’s colors were blue and gold at this point, FYI.)

Meh, who cares. This train is stunning.

 

Everybody got their Royal Hands? Good, let’s process!

Note Cathy in the back, all, “I’m royal, too!”

 

So, this show has always been history-adjacent, but SPOILER — Francis doesn’t live too long after his coronation. Given that the wall between living and dead is getting thinner AND that ghosts can possess nursemaids at any time, will they continue to stick to actual history at all anymore, or will Reign move into “inspired by…” territory? Like, that might be fun. Maybe Mary and Francis will have a whole bunch of kids and live (mostly) happily ever after? That’s what we CW viewers want, right? More romance, less grain?