This week, we thank Plot Contrivance that Jack hangs onto actual pictures instead of saving to the cloud like the rest of humanity. Because that luddide streak meant he just had to run into his BURNING BAR and discover the unconcious Emily on the floor. Meanwhile, the Clarke/Grayson fam are ruining everything in sight with their joint terribleness. V’s plan seems to be to convince David that his oldest daughter is The Worst so they can be a happy family without Emily/Amanda. But let’s face it, Charlotte is the worst Clarke daughter. Daniel is poor, which means he’s forced to look for a job before he has to downgrade to a four star hotel room. Victoria’s mental bestie was wrongfully committed. Or escaped. Or something we’ll have to endure for five episodes. And Emily is sure that Victoria has some kind of ace up her denim sleeve, if only she could just figure it out. Yes, Ems…if only you had an endless bank account, a computer whiz, and the art of revengery at your disposal to figure it all out before it stabs you in your sleep. If only. 

 

You guys, I’m still reeling from this. Are we even watching Revenge? I’m not sure, because this is a picture of the woman who plays Victoria, but the fact that she’s in double denim in a pine kitchen that features a toaster and a dishwasher (neither of which are humans who wash dishes and toast bread for you) makes me question everything. EVERYTHING.

Whither thou go, body con dresses? Where you at jewel tones and expensive shoes? At least she manages to stop in for a blow out and keep her hair fantastic, because: standards.

 

It’s like alternate universe Victoria, someone who tolerates rustic interior design and wears white tanks and is a doting mother.

I can only hope this alterna-Victoria doesn’t last long. I mean, it can’t. Bitch has plans and plans need money and a fantastic house. I’m pretty sure that the lure of proper style will outweigh her feelings of TRUE LOVE sooner rather than later, bringing back formal day wear and the evening gowns in their wake.

 

That said, her time spent as a “real person” lasted long enough to give us a glimpse into what it would look like if Victoria and Emily teamed up for their own Thelma and Louise road trip.

Dear show: please make this a thing. I will never mock Revenge (!!!) again if you do.

 

But let’s back it up and start from the beginning. Look out Katniss, there’s a new Girl On Fire! 

Yes, that’s the Stowaway burning to the ground. The set and the plot we all stopped caring about after they killed those dudes who were sneaking around threatening Jack for money because of blah blah worst plot ever.

Fortunately for all of us, Peeta Jack was fast tracked to the police force and has decided to focus on work/life balance instead of bartending. This will give him more time to Skype with his baby (he still has a baby, right?) and free us from talk of his financial woes. About three seasons too late, but thanks for the effort, show!

 

Besides, every home on this show is fully equipped with a well stocked bar, so The Stowaway was always pretty useless. I mean, Margaux has expensive scotch in crystal glasses at the ready – why would she need her ex-boyfriend’s crappy bar?

God that hair is amazing. 

 

Fortunately for all of us, Emily’s core is made of revenge (!!!), so she just bounces right back from a fire and looks amazing. Not a singed hair on her head. Revenge (!!!) really is the best conditioning treatment.

In other snooze: that color’s amazing on her (she’s always worn blue well) but no me gusta the cut of this Vince top. Like, it’s fine for going to the smouldering ruins of a bar, but it’s not Emily at her best. 

Apparently nearly burning to death can put a girl off her A-game. 

 

This week, Nolan seems to confirm his look this season is WEAR ALL THE LAYERS! Seriously man, it has to be too warm for that much clothing. It’s hard to take his very good advice when he’s dressed like this. That said, someone had to remind her that “maybe you shouldn’t talk to Charlotte without a plan because bitch is crazy town”. 

 

But never fear! Mr. Ross quickly redeemed himself, because let it never be said that Nolan doesn’t know how to dress for an occasion. Even he knew the layers were too much to tour the (oddly fire investigator free) wreckage of The Stowaway. So he peels back a few for just the tasteful polo. 

 

And when continuing to deliver advice to Emily (like, maybe do some research, get some photos and a Sharpie), he goes adds a little casual flair with the earlier Kenzo shirt layer.  

I feel like this is more of the Nolan we knew and loved three season ago, before he decided to dress like Elton John’s more flamboyant cousin. More of this, please.

 

Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the work Emily has done on that giant manor? Her taste in furniture and art is so much better than that of Victoria. Also, a revenge (!!!) workout room in the pool house is just good for the resale value. 

 

Meanwhile, in an upscale hotel somewhere in New York, Charlotte-the-Worst turns to pills and confesses to her mother that Emily is really Amanda Clarke. Like, tell her something she doesn’t already know.

#THEWORST. Especially since she’s basically wearing her own version of the pants that ate Paris paired with a Reign-style wrestling belt. I guess when you have that much fabric, you can easily hide your “Cry for Help” pill bottle around in them. 

I’m sure at some point someone will notice she has been clutching the bottle for days and care enough to talk to her about it. Or maybe they’ll just continue to ignore her and use her when she’s convenient to getting something they need. 

 

Danny Boy takes the Gucci out of cold storage this week, but it’s not really helping him keep his hotel suite or get a job. At least he looks like he comes from money and isn’t that what matters most? 

He’s also not exactly super pleased to see his mother, but at least she’s not in full denim. Were that the case, his reaction would be more shock and horror instead of mild annoyance.

 

And, to prove YKYLF staffer Anthony‘s point from last week, Dan drops a button later in the episode when he ups the sleeze factor and flirts with this probably-maybe-not-crazy friend of Victoria’s.

Poor, dumb Daniel still can’t see a con coming. And he wonders why all of New York’s finest financial institutions are reluctant to hire him. Also, he has access to sexytimes with MARGAUX EFFING LEMARCHAL aka the most glamorous lady currently on TV, so I’m not sure why he’s making bedroom eyes at this broad.

 

Speaking of: what’s the deal with potentially crazy con artist Louise, she of the confused accents. Is she Australian? Southern? I have no idea. But her bright jersey dress, heaving cleave, nude shoes (yawn), and hotel lobby day drinking are the perfect way to introduce her as this season’s pebble in Victoria’s shoe. 

 

Because please, does this look like a credible threat? No. No it does not. Victoria, in her fantastic blue day dress, looks as though a mosquito carrying a ill-thought-out snakeskin clutch was buzzing around her. She has bigger fish to fry than Louise. 

I think we can safely assume Louise will go the way of Lydia at some point, no? Dying at least once after she (stupidly) pisses Victoria off.

 

 

 

Now, here’s the thing, friends. I love mixing a denim jacket with a great dress as much as the next girl. In fact, I would absolutely pair a denim jacket with that dress Victoria is wearing. But you guys? Victoria would not. And yet, this:

It’s like the costume department has never even watched the show before. Did she sell all her clothes before being committed? Am I to believe that Victoria Grayson is headed into NYC, into society, in denim to beg for money? What’s next for poor Vicki? Taking public transit? Signing up for a library card? Something with an elastic waistband??

 

Meh, not likely. She’s having a Scarlett O’Hara moment and getting back on her feet with a “loan” from Margaux.

Oh Margaux. Your hair is amazing, but you are a sucker. Having said that, I wish I had seen more of your dress this week. 

 

And back in Montauk, Jack brings over a childhood photo, saved from the fire, to remind us that in spite of the lack of any real chemistry, Jack and Emily are MFEO. 

Blah blah, twue wuv. However, we also take this moment to pour one out on the steps of the former Chez Grayson in honour of The Stowaway. May it, like The Initiative, White Haired Man, The Falc0n and all of season two, never be mentioned again. 

 

And, because it has to be said, HOW MUCH BETTER does Jack look now that he’s clean-shaven and free of Declan, baby Whatshisthing, and the bar? Long live Officer Jack. Hopefully we won’t have to suffer too long through his Hot Cop Friend making passes at Emily.

Yes, he is an attractive man in a uniform, but this is a love triangle no one wants or needs. Trust. Let’s get him transfered out of town next week. I hear Rosewood’s in need of a new inappropes cop.

 

And finally, when it comes to revenge (!!!) fashions, it’s like father, like daughter.

Since he didn’t immediately stab Emily in her sleep, I can only assume Victoria’s plan to poison that family well isn’t going to go as smoothly as she hopes.

 

Because let’s face it, the family that revenges (!!!) together, stays together.