Previously on Reign: it was all red, the blood of infected men and black, the dark of Mary’s skirt. The plague took out half the cast, including Pascal the Pagan Lad and Ygritte Yvette, Lord Castleroy’s daughter/the show’s compulsory redhead. Mary went against Catherine’s murdery wishes and locked a stab-happy noble in a plague cell, helped by Now-hot-stradamus, who appears to be aging backwards. Francis bonded with Baby de Valois, Kennash ‘I will always find you’ed each other and a hot guy named Condé-Nast did some stuff. All in all, it was quite awesome.

 

WTF #5: Weave Are Not Amused

It’s really hard to focus on what Mary’s wearing when she has hair like Lady Godiva (yes, it is a lovely cloak, but as it’s basically the only thing she wears all episode, the hair’s the thing).

 

I’m actually starting to worry about how Adelaide Kane is holding her head up. I mean, there’s hair, and then there’s hair.

IT GOES OFF-SCREEN, PEOPLE.

 

Her hair has gotten so long, she doesn’t even need this lovely lacy/sparkly dress (although I do agree that black is her power colour forever and ever, amen). She could just use her extensions to cover the salient parts, which is more than some of her ladies-in-waiting ever did (*cough* Kenna’s exposed bra *cough*)

 

Could Lola perhaps give Mary some lessons on the use of a curling iron? And maybe write a blog post on how to get your figure back less than a week after giving birth – gorge silver embroidery or not, nothing can distract from the fact she’s suddenly sample size-y again.

Nothing except Mary’s weave, that is.

 

WTF #4: Catherine = Satan?

When I first saw this shot, all I could think (other than the fact that paisley curtain fabric looks good on no one), was that Cathy had grown horns.

Much better. If she’s embracing abandoning her trademark red for Bollywood-inspired jewellery and fetish-wear, she may as well have an evil goatee to match.

 

WTF #3: This Crisis Seems to Consist Entirely of Hot Guys

So last week, Mary killed Lord Narcisse’s son, and this week the man himself turned up for vengeance/to show off his pimping doublet. Unfortunately, he’s hot.

 

Bash goes off to find evidence Narcissist is a murderer, so he can’t have Nostradamus drawn and quartered for killing his son (newsflash, writers: hanging, drawing and quartering is reserved for treason, and nobles can’t order executions against the wishes of the monarch), and meets this hot grave digger:

“Coffin for two?”

 

There’s a crazy lady in the graveyard banging on about the dead returning, which must be reported back to the already prophecy-addled Mary and Francis by the hottest guy yet:

If someone could get Torrance Coombs to tweet me/steal some of that brown leather he wears for me to snuggle with, I’d be much obliged.

 

We were told last week that Narcissist has beef with Condé-Nast, who’s apparently a secret Protestant, except he’s not (or is he? Tune in next time for more Huguenot or No!) This can mean only one thing: an execution date! Narcissist is working the blue separates.

Either way, C-N’s so hardcore that he needs two belts and three different articles of leather clothing to keep all that manliness in. The puppy eyes undermine him, as does Lord I-Am-No-Way-Old-Enough-To-Be-Father-To-A-Grown-Man’s slightly bigger sword, but he’s still a cutie.

 

WTF #2: Pepper Power!

You know how Leith was all, “Imma ruin you, girl” to Greer, and then completely backed down, and dated Castleroy Junior until she died? Well, Castleroy Senior is not down with that. He’s so not down with that, in fact, that he punches Leith out and then leaves Greer to her own devices for the next few weeks, for…reasons (read: so she can hook up with Leith).

I’d also like to point out that “Aloysius” was a saint living at around the same time as Aloysius Castleroy, and it was his martyrdom which popularised the name. NO.

 

WTF #1: Love Is…Matching Outfits!

Francis hath returned from being a teen dad to Lola’s baby, and he and Mary decide to celebrate their togetherness with matching black and gold brocade.

According to Wikipedia, umbrellas weren’t in general use until the seventeenth century, and certainly weren’t collapsible. Then again, only virgins used to wear their hair loose in Frary’s day, so that’s hardly the most anachronistic thing in this scene.

 

The black and gold theme continues with Mary as a gypsy fortune teller, complete with illusion neckline, sheer sleeves and scalloping. Francis opts for his usual doublet.

“It is easier for a camel to pass through the Queen’s earrings than to create a historically accurate show.”

 

Mary tells Francis to acknowledge his son so he doesn’t turn out like Bash (what, you mean sizzling?) This kindly nursemaid offers to show the king how to hold the baby.

 

Did I mention she then goes all dead King Henry on his ass?

Oh, Reign.

 

The ladies-in-waiting were all but absent this episode, except Lola, who made friends with Mary again even though the entire cast kept shouting, “FRANCIS, THIS MAY BE THE ONLY CHILD YOU WILL EVER HAVE, BECAUSE THE FACT THAT MARY ISN’T PREGNANT AFTER EIGHT MINUTES MEANS SHE’S AS BARREN AS A BARREN THING IN AUGUST.”

We know why Mary’s not getting pregnant, don’t we?

If Francis had just done that with Lola in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this pickle.

Speaking of, let us — like the okay-looking priest who featured in this episode but wasn’t hot enough for the recap — pray for more Lola, Kenna, and Greer. Less hair, and more sparkles! The Black Death may be depressing, but that doesn’t mean your wardobe should be.