What Jess Wore as a Superficial Size Queen

Jess & Co. have been all edgy this season, giving the sitcom twist to controversial topics such as Tindering, sex fists, medical marijuana, and finally, the micro-penis. If you didn’t have a fear of dating prior to this episode, you now surely will. While Jess fights to prove her new beau’s manhood, Cece and Winston gang up to convince the Schmidt and Coach of their model potential, in a “classic Cece/Winston mess around.”

 

This week’s episode confronts the age-old question: does size matter? Of course, Jess claims it doesn’t, while looking like a wide-eyed Disney character in her horse patterned dress and Princess Belle hair. Her endless collection of 60s-inspired dresses would not be complete without this French Connection frock: 

When you look that adorable finding a man is as easy as sitting in some random guy’s booth. And of course said random guy would look like this:

Only in TV land.

 

However, her Abercrombie model isn’t as perfect as he seems. He quickly confesses his fatal flaw — a “little squeaker.” If you don’t know what a micro peen is…well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Just don’t Google Image it like the guys did. Seriously. Don’t.

After a stream of colorful metaphors for manhood and many shades of plaid and endless hoodies, Nick bets that she and Matt won’t last a month. If Nick loses, he has to make a $500 donation to the National Organization for Women. If Jess loses, she will buy Nick a porn site subscription. Seems fair.

 

But of course Micro-Man — like every guy Jess dates who’s not Nick — is an epic douche. The kind of douche that has meaningless tattoos in custom fonts (apparently he’s 90% Angel and 10% Demon?) and brags about seeing a “chill alien” and a “goat in a backpack” when he looks at walls.

But at least he’s hipster-hotness incarnate. Swoon.

Who knew beanies could be so sexy?

 

Although her first date was a complete disaster, her outfit was on point. The lavender dress with bows and sheer sleeves makes her look like a sweet and endearing “superficial size queen” which, when I think about it, sounds like yet another Disney character.

 

Jess decides to give Micro Matt another chance and expose her own metaphorical micro-penis — her “wonky knee.” Which, BTW, looks totally normal. Zooey has no flaws.

However, she confronts Matt on the only day she wears jeans and is caught by his secret girlfriend in a seemingly compromising situation. Guess he really is covered in micro-penises. (Jess’s words, not mine.)

 

Later, Jess mulls over the situation in a casual grey sweater with a striped back, Buddy Holly glasses, and cuffed jeans.

 

Sidebar: is anyone else perturbed by how fine Nick and Jess are with their recent break up? Their epic love story deserves more tears/jealousy/or at least some adorable awkwardness. Let’s be honest, normal exes aren’t okay with buying porn for each other.

 

In the land of sub-plots, Cece insists modeling is a real job (wait, does she still model?), and she and Winston convinces the boys to engage in a battle royale of Zoolandic proportions. So much blue steel.

 

Cece’s been working colorful classics this season and this patterned shift dress is on point with her new casual style.

But for trues (Matt’s word, not mine), I find this dress dress bordering on twee and frumpy. Maybe she should borrow a belt from the PLL set? Aria has at least fifty belts. She could spare a couple. Meanwhile, Winston is making denim on denim work in shades of blue and black.

 

In the end, they’re called out on their shenanigans by Coach and have to buy Schmidt a billboard after he becomes too emotionally invested in his newfound love of modeling:

Looks at that smize. Tyra would be proud.

 

The gang reunites for the unveiling of Schmidt’s Korean/Jewish interrelations billboard. Cece dumped the frump and is back to modern and cool in her magenta top with black skinnies and booties, while the guys wear more plaid and basic tees. Meh. Meanwhile, Jess dons a classic black and white A-line dress with a matching Chanel bag. So Jackie O.

Now that Jess has dated over ten men in four episdoes, can she just take a rest? Has she even comforted Cece over her recent break up with whats-his-name? (No, seriously, what was his name? Dude was like a blip on the screen.)

I think its time the ladies shared a double date with Ben and Jerry rather then the entire online community of DTF men. In the words of the douchey micro-peen Abercrombie model: for trues.