Previously on Reign: Girls with burlap sacks on their heads, sexy pagans murdering each other in the woods, murderous Neopolitans, secret babies, love triangles, The Darkness, and lots of really anachronistic sheer sleeves. We all fell in love with evil Cathy, swooned at Francis and Bash’s doe-eyes, wished we could go out for drinks with Kenna and Greer and Lola, and wondered if Mary would make it out of the season without getting accidentally beheaded, so random were her decisions. Last season’s finale ended with the castle being put in quarantine when the plague showed up β€” leaving Mary and Cathy behind to rule, and Francis off to rescue his love child and babymama. Got all that? Me neither. Bring on season 2!

 

WTF #5: Little Black Death

Mary kicks things off this week with the sort of speech schools get at the beginning of cold and flu season, letting everyone know what symptoms to look out for. But this is the plague, yo, so the symtoms are like “Blackening of limbs, seeping pustules, and then you die.” Appropriate for the subject matter, Mary busts out this black lacy number:

I feel like we’ve seen a similar look before…? Or maybe sheer black lace with red peeping through is such a trademark for her, it feels like we’ve seen this before.

Here’s the H-to-T as she struts about with her co-Queen, Cathy, Ms. de’ Medici If You’re Nasty. France can’t handle two Queens with this much badassness, amirite?

Throughout the episode, these two do this thing where they hold their hands the exact same way. Our body language experts tell us this means they’re in sync and their relationship is strong. WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT THE CASE but we’ll get to that in a bit. In the meantime, Cathy’s sporting one of her signature Fancy Hugh Hefner bathrobe ensembles.

Mary spends a lot of time this week posing in her throne. OK, it’s because that’s where she and Cathy go to sequester themselves from DA PLAGUE, but it gives her a chance to show off her ferosh throne posing. Here’s Mary, getting all sassy on the throne. This picture also gives us a better look at her outfit, which includes one of those WWE championship belts she prefers.

 

And just because it needs to be said, of course Cathy sits at her throne like she was born there.

 

Later, Mary changes into another LBD. I can’t help but think the polka dot motif is meant to somewhat mirror the bleeding sores befalling all the plague victims. Is this like her version of wearing a pink ribbon for breast cancer?

I like the subtle, pearl-tinged headband/crown she has going on here, along with her usz outstanding oversized earring game:

 

But remember what I said about M and C mirroring each other? Check this out:

Either they’re both having PMS cramps at the same time, or they really have more in common this season than ever before.

 

WTF #4: The Short Life of Pascal the Pagan Boy

Do you vaguely remember last season how Kenna came upon Pascal, the little orphan pagan boy who was haunted by The Darkness (or something) and it turns out Bash had killed his father (I think?) and Kenna took him in as her ward? They tidily do away with all of that season 1 stuff pretty quickly.

First off, #TeamKennash4Life. How cute are these two?? So cute I won’t even make that much fun of Kenna’s Nicole Richie knockoff bathrobe/beach coverup:

Seriously, what is up with this dress? Next to Greer it looks even more odd:

Which is not to say that Greer doesn’t look a little out of place here too, in her Snow Queen figure skating dress. I mean, both L-I-W look fab as ever, but remember how in the 16th century people wore corsets and like… undergarments? Because Greer’s going backless, while Mary’s standing there with a bustle on her skirt and cinched waist.

Welcome back, show!!

 

But anyway, so out of nowhere this noble dude needs to borrow Pascal for plot contrivance reasons. Could rich guys just borrow random peoples’ wards as temp servants whenever they wanted? Of course, this turns out to be the Typhoid Mary of this outbreak and Pascal gets the plague which, as you recall from Mary’s speech above, means you will get pregnant and die.

So it’s obviously sad and everything, but what was the point of Pascal being on the show to begin with? He never confronted Bash about killing his father, he brought out Kenna’s protective mama bear side a bit but… whatever. This show has too many characters to begin with. I’m thinking they brought in the plague as a way to write out as many characters as they want.

 

OR ALTERNATELY, all the plague victims may rise again as zombies and Mary and Cathy will have to defend the castle against them. It’s not that crazy an idea, this plague victim seemed to gain superhuman powers until Bash stabbed her on his quest to save Kenna:

 

WTF #3: #PlagueCup

If there’s one thing I learned this week, it’s that nobody on this show should ever drink anything, ever.

First, Parcal’s quasi-kidnapper borrowed some dude’s cup to take a drink, passing along his plague to the other guy:

 

And then later, Ginger Spice took Plague Cup 2.0 from this little girl (who’s rocking a tween version of Mary’s standard layered-lace-gown steez):

 

Though she doesn’t die of plague, she got poisoned β€” thus ending another leftover plotline from season 1.

 

WTF #2: Clarissa 2.0?

So while all the rest of this was happening, Bash had either a vision or a psychic flash when he had an encouter with the ghostly spirit of #PlagueCup girl from the previous WTF.

You know, it’s all fun at first, but next thing you know this girl will be running around with a burlap sack on her head and sleeping under Bash’s bed. Glad the show’s returning to quasi-paranormal plotlines, though. I’m guessing Bash’s pagan genes are part of why he can see her and nobody else can.

OR maybe he’s got the same thing his father had, where he was being haunted by the tennis racket ghost. Hopefully not.

 

WTF #1: HotStradamus + Mary = ?

So the FIRST THING I noticed in the promo pics for this season is that Nostro is going all clean-shaven. Boyfriend looks 10 years younger!

 

Not sure why they did this, unless it’s to make him look younger so he can hook up with one of the younger cast members. But he had that whole thing with Olivia and she’s Mary’s age so… maybe it’s just so we all notice how cute he is?

SO. CUTE.

Like, when he wore that coat that’s actually an entire bear last season, he looked like a crazed Rasputin. Now he looks more like #RIP King Henry used to, strutting around like he’s up in da club.

 

But the even BIGGER Nostro news is that this week, he teamed up with Mary behind Cathy’s back. Who saw that coming? Not even Nostro himself, I’m pretty sure.

Like… WHAT? So if I’m understanding this correctly, Mary got Nostro to secretly drug Cathy to make her think she had the plague, so that Mary could get her way. Despite the similar body language, these two Queens aren’t in agreement about anything.

 

I can’t even imagine what Cathy will do when she finds out about this. Not only what they did to her, but that her BFF Nostro stabbed her in the back like this. Mary’s turning out to be a pretty BAMF Queen. Who sometimes dresses like Renaissance Spencer Hastings-meets-Blair Waldorf in this jumper/blouse/hairband combo:

 

If we learned anything last season, it’s that literally no one can predict what will happen on this show. So here are some random guesses: Nostro’s got Benjamin Button disease and is aging backwards! It turns out that PepperPot is really Greer’s father! Bash is actually Lola and Francis’s son from the future! It’s all taking place in 2014 on a remote island but none of them know that! Anyway, whatever ends up happening, you know YKYLF will be there all the way to chronicle both the stunning fashion AND celebrate all of the WTF-ery. πŸ™‚