What Jess Wore to Go Speed Dating

Unfortunately, last week’s sex fist was only the beginning of Jess’s determined charge back into the dating game. But by charge, I mean stumble. And by dating game, I mean the naughty love child of Chatroulette and Tinder, Dice. After a disastrous date with someone who was more hair than man, Schmidt agrees to tutor her on the ways of men Dice by sending her on a string of ten dates, aptly dubbed Dice Diez. Or Diez Dice. Whatever. Also stuck in a bit of a pickle are Nick, Coach, and Cece who go to a cop party high as kites, where Winston finally earns his police academy nickname: Toilet.


Ladies and Gentlemen, continuing her unbroken streak of foot-stompingly adorable sleepwear…it’s Jessica Day!

I’m digging the super cute balloon print, and OF COURSE she tumbles out of bed with a gloriously tousled coif.


While I have made no secret of my love for bows, this bow-ka dot situation is kind of ridiculous. But not nearly as ridiculous as her inaugrual foray into the world of Dice, which ended up…well, mega dicey. Luckily, Schmidt was on hand to rescue our damsel in distress from her first date, an errant, hairy, treadmilling knight.

On the other hand, paired with her token black miniskirt and classic black shoulder bag, she curbs the cutesiness of this Alice + Olivia bowsplosion sweater and repurposes it into something fun and feminine. Get it girl. I’d look like an overwrapped present if I tried to pull that off.


After her nightmare date with Cousin It’s cousin, Schmidt takes pity and arranges to tutor her in the sleazy complicated ways of Dice. I know what you’re thinking, how hard can it be? And then we remember it’s Jess who’s rolling the dice. Like leading a innocent lamb into a den of freakish, raisin-obsessed lions. So, first on Schmidt’s lesson plan? Dice Diez: a string of ten Dice dates meant to show Miss Day how gross boys are and how to avoid them (nonsensical excuses, for those of you who end up in a jam anytime soon).

Jess reminds me of a grown up American Doll in this Trashy Diva chambray mini dress, her red Kate Spade espadrilles with a (le sigh) bow, and a dainty red shoulder bag. Can we talk about how she manages to wear the perfect first date outfit unbeknownst to all of us that she would be going on ten of them? That will help to not dwell on how unfair it is that Californians get to wear sundresses and wedges all year long.




As for the tutor himself, this is borderline Grandpa Schmidt. I’m all for the preppy, clean cut, all-American look but there’s just something about this that doesn’t sit right.


Aaaand we’ve crossed the line. I can’t tell if he’s channeling Mr. Rogers or Chandler Bing. It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood bar, a beautiful day for a neighbor…could you be mine? Would you be my Dice instructor?

So, what? Is it cold in the bar? Does he want to be taken seriously as a Dice instructor? Because if he did, he’s going to have to say something more than “guys are perverts.” And did he really have to take the Taboo buzzer? You know how everything gets mixed up and lost when you separate all the game pieces! Ugh, Schmidt, come on!


B plot time! For like, a second and a half, I thought that Cece was kind of slumming it in the wardrobe department. But, then I remembered (and she kindly reminded us) that she’s a model. I couldn’t slum it like this on a good day.


And then this happened. How do you go from goddess in the tight green t-shirt to this frumpy, oversized disaster? As Stacey London and Clinton Kelly liked to preach: tailor, tailor, and for God’s sake, tailor. Then again she (and Nick and Coach) are high as kites (at a cop party, no less), so maybe she wanted something with a little give, to accomodate the inevitable munchies. But, all she did was ignore the giant bowl of Cheetos behind her and break down with an existential crisis. Hello, that’s what the Cheetos are for!

Newsflash: Cece, you’re not lost in life, you’re lost somewhere inside this Velvet Heart parachute/romper scenario.


Nick is still master of all things plaid, I see. It’s like going from saturated to faded with this one.

But, I guess you’d want to look as inconspicuous as possible when you’re going to buy a bunch of drugs for you and your friends. And it would help to blend in when you’re blazed off your rocker and surrounded by police officers. Not helpful? Kicking over the grill and running away with Coach.


Coach is lucky that he’s tall, dark, handsome, and built because otherwise, dressing like a 17 year old wouldn’t really cut it. But, like I said, he’s tall, dark, handsome, and built. So…it’s fine. Like, really fine.


Oh. My. God. Winston. Bishop. These bird and palm tree shirts are not how you impress the police academy people.

I can’t even.

So, to sum, get awesome pajamas, love is a battlefield full of hairy men and magicians, and try not to get totally baked when you’re going to schmooze with law enforcement.