You’d think with this title there would have been more nudity this week, but sadly for us all, the only butts we see this week are from Carrie’s cigarettes as she decides to give up smoking. As with so many of her decisions, this was precipitated by the entrance of a new man in her life: Aidan! Meanwhile Charlotte decides that face-licking is her dealbreaker, Miranda learns that being sniped at by a bitchy girlfriend is Steve’s dealbreaker, and Samantha rebrands herself as S-Jo and runs around pretending she’s Sammy From the Block. Which is just as cringe-worthy and embarrassing as you expect it to be.

 

Things start out sweetly, with Carrie’s voiceover about the magic of first kisses and Charlotte and her dude of the week making sexy eyes at each other. UGH MEMBERS ONLY JACKET. Why do these women have the worst taste in boyfriends? 

Charlotte’s hoop earrings seem a little out of character for her, but maybe this is just foreshadowing Samantha’s tragically misguided journey to Ghetto Fabulous this week.

 

Also misguided? Charlotte’s date’s kissing style.

I really, really hope Kristin Davis got bonus pay for this scene.

 

This week in Ladies Sitting Around Pretending They Eat Carbs, Charlotte shares the story of Brad The Bad Kisser over dinner with the girls.

Now, I don’t know how much wine they went through during said dinner, but given that the best wisecrack Sam came up with was “Brad? More like Bad!” seems to indicate: quite a lot of wine.

 

Speaking of Ms. Jones, she has seriously got the best shoulders on TV. I can’t think of anyone else who could pull off this top with such panache.

And again with the hoop earrings. I suspect she may already kind of wanted to unleash her inner S-Jo, and her new BF just gave her the excuse. 

 

On the other side of the table, Charlotte’s in mourning over her latest bad date in this shockingly timeless black lace ensemble:

No sparkles, pink ruffles or Claire’s Accessories to be seen? Snaps for Char! Baby’s starting to dress like a grown up!

 

Miranda does her best to get a little screentime by serving up her best bitchface combined with a hell of a lot of backcombing. That is a backcomb, right? I don’t think they had Bump-Its in 2000.

Hoop earring count: three pairs (six earrings). SO FAR.

 

And now it’s Carrie time! Everybody playing the Season 3 SATC drinking game — prepare for the episode’s first Big Ass Flower! Wait… where is it?

Is it hiding under her wee scarf choker? Has she hidden it inside of the black bra visible through her sheer red shirt? Or does Carrie… have something up her sleeve? 

DRINK!

 

So anyway, while out for dinner, Samantha’s magic vajay sends out its Bat Signal and attracts Shevon (Siobhan? Chevonne?), a super hottie who, oh yeah, happens to be black. Which instantly makes Sam decide he’s her Puff Daddy and she’s his J-Lo and it’s OK for her to dress like this now:

 

OBLIGATORY BORING MIRANDA PLOTLINE INTERLUDE

Blah blah being mean to Steve blah blah sarong blah blah her hair looks better than sometimes?

Girl is wearing an undergrad’s makeshift curtain as a skirt. If this isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is.

Maybe this T-shirt?

I get that Miranda’s a feminist, but does that mean she has to wear vintage Girl Scout paraphernalia? If you really care about her plotline you’ll have to watch the episode because I can’t even with Mir this week. 

END OBLIGATORY MIRANDA PLOTLINE INTERLUDE

 

This was a Very Carrie Outfit episode, in that, nothing she wore makes any sense with any other piece. She starts out in these knickers and a wifebeater, accessorized with a cigarette and some great defined curls:

And dammit, I will never stop coveting her super-sweet bachelorette pad with its ginormous walk-in closet and hardwood floors.

 

Stanford (Stanford!) comes by with a 911 Emergency Hot Man Alert, and she throws on a pimp coat and secretary blouse to accompany him to a new artisanal furniture store:

I don’t know what hurts my eyes most about this. Stanford’s (Stanford!) progressive lenses, C-Brad’s Amazing Technicolor Pimp Coat, or the unnecessary pop of midriff.

 

HAHA J/K I think we all know the answer is: the coat is obviously the worst. At first I thought it was like a floor-length duster, but its awkward mid-calf length is somehow even grosser.

Pete the dog clearly mistakes her for some sort of chew toy, which is one of the many reasons Carrie should be careful about running around in vintage clown wear.

 

BUT SO ANYWAY the main reason anybody ever remembers this episode is it marks the entrance of the second great love of C-Brad’s life, the man who caused the entire epidemic of elementary school-sized Aidans running around today:

Ugggggghhhhhhh. 

 

I remember really liking Aidan the first time I watched the series, but in re-watching, I have no idea why. He talks in this disjointed stoner way, like he’s reading out loud from a Preserve blurb like, “I reclaimed this leather from an old train, sitting here you feel the spirit of the travelers who answered the call of the wild ancestors across our great nation and also my silver rings are freaking enormous, here, touch the leather with me.”

Yet somehow, mystifyingly, this makes Carrie, despite writing one very short newspaper column and spending all of her money on estate sales for dead clowns, spend something like $10K to buy a chair she doesn’t want.

 

This next screencap is a two for one, because we get to see Charlotte’s heinous chin hickey from her date with Brad The Bad Kisser AND this is the precise moment she screams in the middle of brunch “A BIG BLACK COCK! SAY IT! HE HAS A BIG BLACK COCK!”

I really feel the lady behind her, who’s like, “Every time I come here for brunch, these same four women sit there and pretend to eat while talking about sex. Can I just eat my eggs in peace for once???”

 

So then, S-Jo has a run-in with her new BF’s sister, who doesn’t want him dating her. She claims it’s because Samantha’s white, and that’s what Samantha thinks she means, but I’m pretty sure it’s because Samantha’s Samantha and I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my relatives either. Especially in this “dress”.

LOOK AT THIS DRESS. This is like J-Lo crossed with Kendall Jenner crossed with granny panties crossed with RuPaul’s Drag Race crossed with a bucket of sequins. Frankly, I’d try and shake some sense into her, too.

YOU ARE A GROWN ASS WOMAN! PUT ON SOME REAL CLOTHES!

 

Meanwhile, Carrie decides that her new puka shell necklace wearing crush is worth giving up smoking for, which is probably a good call as it was only a matter of time before she accidentally lit one of her Big Ass Flowers on fire.

 

And then, Carrie takes her Big Ass Flower from day to night with the simple addition of a fairly horrifying rabbit fur bolero:

 

You guys, I don’t know if I can handle re-watching the slow motion passive aggressive disintegration of Carrie y Aidan. When she strolled into his shop in her pimp coat I wanted to yell for them both to run for the hills! Save yourselves! Nothing good will come of this!! But as we all know, this is only the beginning of one of the most cringe-worthy, ill-matched relationships in this show’s history. I’ll be over here, watching with my hands covering my face.