Two of my favourite TV queens are back on the air and that’s all I needed to know before watching ABC Family’s new show, Mystery Girls. But let me serve you the lowdown: Tori Spelilng and Jennie Garth are Holly and Charlie, two former TV darlings from a 90s show called Mystery Girls (yeah, it gets a little meta). The show ended, Holly became a a reality show fixture (Celebrity Life Guard, anyone?), while Charlie settled into the suburbs and married life. But they’ve reunited with a sassy PA named Kevin to open a for real Mystery Girls detective agency.

Yes, the show is as campy and absurd as everything you just read. ABC Family is like that boozy aunt you only see during holidays. You love her, are a little scared of her, but she always gives you the best presents you didn’t even know you wanted. Plus, she slips you a little wine during dinner.

Let’s meet the gals!

Holly Hamilton

Full disclosure, I’ve never been to LA but from what I’ve been conditioned to know about LA stereotypes, Holly fits right in with the vapid, yet sweet, Rodeo Drive/Beverly Hills shopaholic diva frenemy. Her style mashes up high school Heather from the early 90s and Lady Gaga touring costumes. If you’re having a hard time visualizing that mind-blowing combination, check out that funeral look:

You’ve got a corseted body with a laced out skirt that looks like it’s pannier’d the house down. Throw in a hat any good Christian woman would be proud to wear to church, Breakfast at Tiffany’s sunglasses and a structured jacket… I’m sorry, I’m winded from just detailing every wardrobe piece. A touch too much is what we can expect from Holly. Oh lord, I forgot to mention to mention the hot pink heels! Never wear a colour that bold with black – it makes the rest of the outfit look cheap and the black look faded. This isn’t Pretty Woman, Holly.

Charlie Contour

I’m not seeing a lot of contour from a woman who namechecks it in her surname. If Holly’s the quintessential Beverly Hills princess, Charlie is the practical, pragmatic and plain opposite. Opting for a simple bob and basic fabrics, Charlie is going to have to rely on that comedic timing to stand out next to Holly. Here’s what you can expect from Charlie, the “sexy mom from the suburbs”:

Solid colour blocking from Charlie but, next to Holly, she looks like a model for Gap. I wouldn’t count her out just yet — it’s always the quiet ones that know how to party. Although, I question her motives for making a sex tape with an assistant director who can’t even tuck in his damn shirt at a funeral. If you haven’t watched the episode yet, I want you to know I’m not half cut on TV wine, the plots are just that bizarre. Besides, the show is 22 minutes — hardly enough time for a TV buzz.

Nick

Ah yes, what detective agency staffed by former television stars would be complete without a sassy gay PA? No surprise here, Nick is going to be the source for most of the canned laughs while also serving as Holly’s sidekick when grumpy Charlie tries to keep them both in line. I’d expect some over the top fashion from him:

Gurl, I remember when I was you. In my early twenties, thinking that fashion was throwing darts at the colour wheel and pairing whatever they landed on. Patterns on patterns on fabrics on texture — more is MORE, darling. I say reach for the stars, Nick! Give the budding fashionistas in Arkansas a relatable role model. You’re doing God’s work (re: Tim Gunn).

Michael

He’s Charlie’s hot as hell husband and you’ll be seeing a lot more of him. Well, you’ll be seeing at least one screenshot of him at some point. But for now, here’s a cool pic of me seeing his fine face on television for the first time:

 

So, what did y’all think? I’ll be honest: it’s a completely ridiculous piece of television. But I liked watching it! Even the canned laughter and awful puns got me. Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling always have killer chemistry on screen, and Tori Spelling is a severely underrated slapstick actress. Anyone else obsessed with her show So NoTORIous? I was obsessed. I’ll happily tip some TV wine to Mystery Girls this summer.