Ladies of London proves that history does, in fact, repeat itself. In the 1700s, Americans fiercely fought the Brits with muskets, cannons, and laser blasters, hoping to earn their freedom. In 2014, the fight resumes with weapons much more deadly: glasses of wine and insults about class. I hope that you join me in watching Bravo’s new cultural study; a truly groundbreaking series for the network that gives us peons an in-depth look at rich white women. Don’t worry if you can’t be bothered to learn their names — I’ve done it for you.
Meet Caroline, a blond British bombshell who grew up as a socialite. I grew up playing tag and picking my nose, but hey, must be a British thing. She runs an “elite gift service that caters to luxury connoisseurs.” Please don’t ask me what that means. I’ll stick with my fraudulent Amazon Prime student discount (just don’t tell Amazon I graduated a year ago). Caroline spent the majority of the episode criticizing the other women’s wardrobe choices, which is hilarious considering her confessional look resembles a crocodile trying to consume her cleavage.
Caprice is an American import, living in London for 17 years. She made her mark as a model, saying she would just look into a camera and make 15 grand. IS THAT WHY SO MANY PEOPLE ARE TAKING SELFIES? I need to download Instagram. She’s seven months pregnant, but that doesn’t stop her from running her multi-million dollar lingerie line, By Caprice Lingerie. Expect her to shamelessly plug it for the rest of the season.
Annabelle describes herself as a rock n’ roll girl with bad nails. Judging from this episode, she’ll be the misunderstood outsider, and will probably post about her feelings on Tumblr. A McQueen muse for years, Annabelle has the best fashion sense in the group.
She’s big into horseback riding, and plans to participate in a charity horse race that donates money to building a school in Ethiopia. Mother Theresa who?
Arriving at the stables to train, she wore a fabulous God Save the Queen jacket, and rocked a unicorn sweater underneath. I found this very insensitive, seeing as horses already have low self-esteem for not being unicorns. Not cool, Annie. Not cool.
Noelle is a model who’s been engaged to not one, but two millionaires. Her current fiancée is embroiled in legal troubles for pulling a Harry Potter and making his fortune magically disappear during his divorce. She loves the man, but said she can’t wait around for him much longer. I mean, she’s almost 35, at which age she will shrivel up and turn into dust.
Every reality show needs one boring, normal person. On Ladies of London, that’s Marissa. She’s tame, but married to a man who runs one of the most famous night clubs in the city, Boujis (pronounced booshee). However, I’m 99% sure the nightclub is just a front for a cult, seeing as how you need a password to get in and once you do there’s nothing but flashing lights and hands in the air. As a possible ringleader in the Church of Boujis, maybe she’s not as boring as she seems.
Juliette has taken it upon herself to be the unofficial American ambassador to the United Kingdom. She hates the stuffy, uptight culture of the Brits and wants them to embrace the hot dog eating, football watching, loud mouthed American way. She’s great friends with both Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Clinton. The three of them used to have slumber parties where they would do face masks, paint their toenails, and spell out sexual innuendos on an old Ouija board. Where’s THAT reality show, Bravo?
Being the first, this episode was heavy on introductions. After meeting all the ladies, we finally get to watch them interact. The three Americans met for tea — it appears that Earl Grey will be filling the “gay best friend” role required by all Bravo shows. Juliette and Marissa arrived looking like Serena and Blair, in elegant and bright outfits perfect bashing Noelle’s deadbeat fiance. When questioning someone’s relationship, always remember to wear a flowy skirt and accesorize with a cute clutch.
The big social event of the premiere centered around a polo event. None of these women actually wanted to watch polo, and half of them didn’t even know what it was, but it was an excuse to dress in pretty outfits, so away they went!
The Americans were apparently way overdressed, but to me they looked smart and sophisticated (words rarely used to describe anyone on a reality show). The most controversial look was Noelle (on the right) who wore Chiquita Banana’s dress from the 2014 Met Gala. The Brits were most appalled by her hat, which was deemed “unnecessary” for watching horse soccer.
The Brits arrived looking much more casual. Caroline in a bright pink frock, Annabelle in a fashionable straight jacket, and Caprice in a muumuu inspired by dream catchers and granola bars. They spent their time at the match laughing at the Americans who dared openly expressed joy and happiness. Apparently the perfect accessory to any polo look is a mean mug and sour attitude.
And with that, the next chapter of the Revolutionary War begins! Expect a season full of fashion and cross-cultural drama. Can’t wait to see cocktail dress George Washington wears to the reunion.