Y’all, did all that seriously happen in ONE SEASON OF SHOW? The first 22 episodes of Reign managed to cram in secret feral daughters, sexy pagan sacrifices, sharpened teeth extruded from human flesh, sexual defenestration, a threesome, BDSM, and more tulle skirts than the New York Ballet. As one might expect, the season one finale leaves us with a few cliffhangers. Interestingly, they aren’t necessarily more suspenseful than any of those from week to week, leaving me to assume that it’ll all get sorted out in the first three minutes of the next episode. I’m hoping season two makes Sexy Black Plague the new Sexy Pagan Darkness, though I’m not sure how they’re going to sexify that particular plotline. 

 

You know just after we all got used to this show taking place in the land of neverending winter, it’s suddenly SUMMERTIIIIIIME!

Because of course. That said, this is the least of our WTFs this week.

 

WTF #5: Call the Midwife. No seriously, CALL THE MIDWIFE.

Nothing comes easiy to this girl, right? Her first BF was killed in the pilot, her one attempt to cut loose results in a pregnancy, and her husband has a more complicated backstory than Don Draper. So of course she goes into labour in the middle of nowhere, right?

Gotta hand it to her, she doesn’t let emergency labour in a peasant’s cottage get in the way of her steez. Burgundy really works on this girl.

 

And look, she even ensured her impromptu midwife had a Reign-appropriate twisted ‘do in place before helping with the labour. Glad to see that even the day players get that special WTF hair treatment.

Sidenote: I’m guessing that confessing (IN WRITING) that Francis is her babydaddy was maybe not the smartest thing Lola’s ever done. Or maybe it won’t matter at all. Hard to know with this show.

 

WTF #4: Leith Bayard, Douchebag of the Year

Ugggggggh. How is it possible that, despite everything King Henry’s ever done, Leith is maybe the worst guy on this show right now? Like, Henry intentionally blew up two ships’ worth of sailors just for kicks, and yet Leith is STILL WORSE THAN HIM. It’s bad, you guys.

So, Leith comes back from Calais slightly richer and with enough swagger to catch the eye of Ginger here:

So snaps for the braid-crown (RIP Lady Aylee!) but a wag of the finger for this Lady Pirates of the Caribbean rig. This is like a budget mash-up of Mary’s corset, Kenna’s love of embroidered embellishments and Cathy’s color palette.

Don’t nobody wear sheer red sleeves in this castle but Cathy, y’all. So step off.

 

Still, Leith has no time for this Sexy Beer Wench as Greer is his bae. And Francis is his bro.

“Hey! Nice leather jacket!” “You too!” **fist bump**

 

How can Leith not hold a torch for Greer? LOOK AT HER. She’s lounging here in her now-trademark 1930s Hollywood glam attire like teenage Samantha Jones in her boudoir.

You can’t handle the ferocity, Leith.

 

That said, when her ex-BF shows up, she’s all “Squee!”

Oh, girl. You don’t know what you’re in for with this one.

 

Gotta admire the way she carefully arranges her hands during a hug to fully flaunt her jewels.

Greer may have grown up a little over this season, but she’s still the biggest over-accessorizer this side of Aria Montgomery.

 

NOM!

With a side of leg. Was hosiery not a thing in the Renaissance?

 

But THEN. Greer reasonably, and for approximately the 1000th time, tells Leith he’s not rich enough to marry her. Former nice guy Leith unleashes his inner douche as he morphs into a nice guy of OKCupid, insisting that she’ll never be happy again without him and he never wanted her anyway and WAH WAH WAH. #sadtrombone

In the time honored manner of sore losers everywhere, Leith heads immediately for a rebound fling with the Ginger pirate. He’s got like Robin Thicke levels of smarm in this pic. So awful.

 

And then OH SNAP! The Ginger Pirate is actually GINGER SPICE, aka Lord Pepperpot’s daughter, aka Greer’s future daughter-in-law.

Well, this is going to get #AWKWARD

 

Real talk: Leith needs to take a good long look at this image here. Because Greer? Is doing just fine without him, thankyouverymuch. She’s got all her life to live and she’s got all her love to give and girl will SURVIVE.

Pepperpot’s throwing down some great Blue Steel here, coincidentally in blue velvet. Officially shipping these two. There, I said it.

 

WTF #3: The Darkness The Plague

Meanwhile in the cabin in the woods this large stone house…

 

Not 100% sure how they got here or where this is. Something with Pascal and the secret pagan whistle? Does it matter? Anyway, Bashtradamus continue getting their Hardy Boys on, with both in full-on Darkness Hunting mode.

Nice to see Nostro outside of the castle and getting some fresh air.

 

Meanwhile, Kenna continues playing boho mother hen to L’il Orphan Pascal. Am assuming she borrowed that tragic crochet shawl from Lola, who tends to favor that depressed 1970s housewife motif.

Ugh, she’s so cute with him I can’t even. Getting her the hell away from Cray King Henry was the best thing that ever happened to this character. And how cute is little Pascal in his tiny old-timey jacket and ruffled collar?

CUTENESS OVERLOAD.

 

And then THE DARKNESS totally shows up and Reign flips into horror mode. You’d think Kenna would be the slutty girl who gets killed early on, but no! She channels Neve Campbell in Scream, totally pwning The Darkness. Take that, Renaissance Ghostface!

And because it has to be said, Kenna does this all while wearing a strapless star-and-flower crochet cover-up borrowed from Cher, circa 1975, layered over a top she borrowed from Cathy.

Seeing the back only makes me more confused. Is this a sheer shrug worn over a dress, or is it a sheer shirt tucked inside? Or somehow both?

Never change, Reign wardrobe dept. xo

 

But anyway, THE DARKNESS!!

Meh. The fact that Nostro dispatched of him in like two seconds says all you need to know about this. He’s not anyone we’ve ever seen before, he was outsmarted by Kenna of all people, and it turns out he’s only been killing people because…something something plague? What?

 

WTF #2: Mary, Queen of 80s Primetime Soaps

What the fresh hell are you wearing, Mary Stuart? If you’re going to serve up Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan realness, you need to back it up with two feet of hairspray. None of these gently curled Rosewood waves.

I mean, come on. That’s like Drag 101.

 

The following picture is even more fun if you imagine that the bottom of the dress ends at mid-hip length, and that she’s actually ice skating. Picture it.

OK, it still works pretty well with her serving up what Miss J taught her. Werk the runway, M!

 

But seriously, you know she means business as she’s taken out the little silver beads from her Cabo braid. This braid is the one she wears for murder-adjacent country overthrowing.

 

And THEN. After waffling back and forth all season, Mary fully embraces her “Gon’ Take Over England” side. And she declares her intentions in the absolute best manner possible — via outfit.

Remember her first arrival at court in episode 1? How far we’ve come. I’m a little misty-eyed seeing our girl all grown up and taking over countries.

 

Sidenote: who are these two ladies following her? With Lola, Greer and Kenna all busy, are these like her understudy ladies in waiting?

Are Greer, Lola and Kenna even ladies in waiting anymore? And do these two always put their hair up, or just today to match Mary? And how jealous is Henry that Mary’s cloak is so much fiercer than his? She’s the real Queen here, guys.

 

And then…of course inside of her queenly regalia is this sleeveless turtleneck with semi-detached blousey sleeves. Because Reign.

Did Cathy have a closet swap to ditch every pair of sheer red sleeves she ever wore? What is up with this proliferation of Cathy-style sleeves on everyone but Cathy this week?

 

Mary changes back into a more girlish look later on, channeling two of my least fav looks in unholy matrimony: the jumper-over-peasant top layering from “Inquisition” + the multiple peplum action from “No Exit.”

Aaaaand the silver beads are back in her hair. Le sigh.

 

WTF #1: The King is Dead, and So is Everyone Else

This week’s first display of Henry crazytimes came via an impromptu pajama/murder party. Everyone else was caught unaware, but you know he had this robe specially made for this moment.

Looking good, H.

 

I assume these are Cathy’s casual, nighttime furs.

And that Mary’s Scottish genes render her immune to the weather that’s got every other person in this scene all bundled up.

 

And then Lacrosse Stick Tennis Racket Guy is like, “KILL THEM ALL! KILL THEM ALL!”

Or something? But seriously, this actor must have been so psyched to get actual spoken dialogue this week. One SAG card, coming right up!

 

In any case, Henry stabs this random dude while Mary and her nighttime braids look on.

 

Cathy wisely wears blue this week, since like every other character has been ganking her red steez.

And yet… somehow she’s not really Cathy when wearing these cool tones. I miss the red.

 

Then Francis throws on this snakeskin number along with his new Meg Ryan in City of Angels hairstyle:

 

And then…JOUST! This was like Netflix for Renaissance folks. You know, just a way to spend an afternoon.

But this is no ordinary joust. See those two ships in the horizon? Henry’s crazy plan is for the ships to do battle against each other. To impress Mary.

 

This does not go well.

Death tally of this episode: you don’t want to know.

 

So, to make up for the whole “killing the whole French fleet” scenario, Henry offers himself up as the headliner at another joust.

Hey nonny nonny, bitches!!

 

But then! Henry goes DOWN!

(Not actually Henry. Hello, stunt actor!)

 

AND THEN! It turns out his opponent was not the knight everyone thought, but secretly it was Francis, revealing heretofore unknown skillz at patricide.

Yeesh, he can’t let go of the cowl-neck even when joust-murdering his father.

 

While it looks like Henry took that lance pretty hard, turns out the major injury is a splinter to the eye.

What? Dying from a splinter to the eye? Like that would ever happen. That’s as ridic as Francis dying of an ear infection.

 

Well, that was quite the season. We had no idea what we were in for when we started recapping this show, but between the fashion, the murders, the sexy murders and all the DRAMA, this has quickly become appointment TV for us here at YKYLF. See you in the fall (which will possibly be winter again, knowing this show)!