Y’all, there’s a lot to talk about today. Putting aside the fact that Revenge(!!!) is now a showcase for black fabrics (save for Nolan), we got a whole lotta story dumped on us. Let’s start by pouring one out for Bernie Lomax Aidan Mathis, gone too soon… or something to that effect. It’s not that I doubted the chemistry between him and Emily, or his usefulness outside of “broody henchman who consistently fails to deliver” — it was just time for him to go. Naturally, Emily took it hard, but not as hard as Victoria took that shovel to the face. Nolan’s busy scheming with Margaux’s lil’ bro, Gideon. Although, Nolan’s Revenge(!!!) style is more suave and concealed, while Gideon’s is more “planting dead coke whores” in his enemies’ beds. The cherry on this very dark sundae is the return of David Clarke, who immediately murder stabs Connie Grayson. Farewell, Conrad — you’re loudly whispering unsolicited, dramatic monologues with the angels now.

 

Y’know, if I was going to send off the corpse of my one true love, I might break my own rules for funerals and go full-on Mourning Glamour. OK, Victoria has been to (or caused) enough funerals in the past 3 seasons, so maybe her black wardrobe is running thin. But c’mon, she looks like a sad caballero. 

The Spanish-influence on the strip of brocade is an interesting touch, but I feel like an American Idol judge from 2007 — “I need MORE.”

 

Margaux, however, is on the other end of the grieving spectrum. Not exactly crushed by father’s death, but respectful enough to wear black and pair the dress with some stunning onyx earrings. 

I’m not a conservative kind of gal, but her styling feels more LBD than Funeral BD. I guess when you’re stunning with gorgeously styled hair, you get away with more risqué fashion in uptight, North American traditions. 

 

This, my friends, is the look of a woman who devoted her entire life to seeing the sad look on Conrad Grayson’s face when his world fell apart. It lasted for about 7-seconds, but by golly wasn’t it worth it? 

Kudos to you, Emily – animal print was an outrageous choice for fashion on Conrad’s judgement day. So poised and satisfied… I hope it lasts LOL. 

 

As the upper crust send the casket back to France, the Revengers toast Emily’s victory and all the murders/espionage/life-ruining/petty theft/white collar crime they’ve committed in the name of David Clarke and friendship. QUAINT! 

Jack’s transformation into a cover model for Details is still lovely to see. Great garment choices, complementary colours, coiffed hair — he deserves a TV wine toast. And yet again, Nolan is my barometer for the seasons in Montauk. Judging by his jaunty striped sweater and absolutely chic plaid pants, I’d say we’re bearing down Labor Day, again. And nothing bad ever happens on Labor Day in Montauk. *shifts eyes*

 

Friends, we have a late addition to the game. Please welcome swarthy Gideon, younger brother of Margaux, whose accent was brusquely explained by a stint in a New Hampshire boarding school. 

I’ll be honest, I’m into the long hair. I know I just praised Jack for finally taming his, but it was so unkempt. Gideon looks like he can spend a few dollars on decent product…althought his upfront, “I’m here for Revenge(!!!)” attitude had me immediately suspicious. 

 

OK, here’s where the real action starts. You thought it was when Conrad got arrested and verbally bitchslapped in court? No, it’s when Emily sends Aidan after the psychiatrist who locked her away as a child and convinced her David Clarke was a monster. Putting aside all of that for a minute — why the hell didn’t Emily track this woman down earlier? 

I mean, the Graysons orchestrated the whole life-ruining scheme, but the psychiatrist is the one who kickstarted Emily’s psychological descent into Revenging Warrior Princess. Why waste your time on Mason Treadwell (never forget) when this lady is way more integral to the plot? Maybe she blended into the background with her drab, “psychiatrist on a 90s Law & Order episode” look.

 

Basically, the psychiatrist and Victoria worked together to brainwash young Emily. Now that Emily’s hunting her down, the shrink turned to Victoria for help. With Aidan ready to drop all the truth bombs, the only natural course of action was to poison his tea so Victoria could smother him. 

I’m into her Angel of Death look. Really loving sheer cutouts right now and the skirt has an interesting pattern. Clock Aidan’s hand on the desk. See ya lates. 

 

Now, I don’t know if they planned it, but Weekend at Bernie’s was just released on DVD this month. Yes, Emily’s heartbreak is sad and moving, but can you deny how morbidly hilarious this scene was?

 

I mean, how did Victoria get his corpse to the beach house? And place him so elegantly on the sofa? Who started the fire? Is Andrew McCarthy behind any of this? I love a dramatic reveal, but damn this was campy. 

 

OK, back to the fashion — anyone else getting serious douche chills from Daniel? The suit makes him look like he asked his tailor to dress him as “the cool guy from Casino mixed with the tough guy from Boardwalk Empire.” 

All of that look sitting on leather furniture while drinking Absinthe? I bet he works out to Guns n’ Roses. I bet he’d debate you on whether or not a fedora would really set off this look. I bet he prefers Sprite over 7-Up. #textbookdouchiness

 

Now it’s Emily’s turn to mourn. Lotsa sadness in this hour, huh? At first, I thought the look was pretty utilitarian for a funeral. I mean, pants and a leather jacket? Those are your Revenge(!!!) clothes, girl! I get the sunglasses to hide the puffiness of cried out eyes, but the scarf? Not the best distraction. 

But after her casual chat with her secret sis about digging up David Clarke’s grave, I understand the sartorial choices — she fixin’ to get some diggin’ done! 

 

How many showdown photos do we have of these two? I have to say, this latest is one of my favourites, mostly for Victoria’s beautiful coat. What is that, ombré snakeskin? It’s got a scaly detail I’m living for. Also, bless her for wearing heels in the grass. That ain’t no easy feat. 

While these two shade the house down, Victoria realizes Emily is digging up Amanda’s grave and before she can put anything together, a swift shovel to the face stops her in her tracks. I did not see that one coming. 

 

 

 

As all of this drama is happening/putting every recent primetime soap to shame, Conrad appears to get his assed saved yet again by the system (re: money). Disguised as a priest, he’s helped out of jail by a few guards who tell him to wait for transport. As the van pulls up, Conrad’s story finally (FINALLY) comes to an end with a roadside stabbing. 

So between his death and Victoria waking up in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, I’d say the Clarkes are making the best of the situation. 

 

Oh, did I pluralize Clarke? Why yes, indeed. Because while Emily (i.e. OG Amanda Clarke) locked Victoria away with the ol’ bait-and-switch exhuming, OG Bad Boy, David Clarke, was the one who shanked Connie! 

I’ll be honest, most of this season — even this episode — I was thinking the Revenge(!!!) was getting stale. But this? This is next level shit.  

 

Of course the only way you could end all of this nonsense is with a slow motion walk by Emily Thorne, master of Revenge(!!!). That Lanvin coat she so gracefully swings over her Michael Kors dress is beautiful. I mean, what is that coat made of, unicorn mane? Show me a few more of those and I might reject cotton altogether.

If you’re going to end a season on a cliffhanger, you might as well do it with a few deaths, a resurrection, and a masterfully planned confinement to hospital.

 

Alright, Revenge(!!!) — the ball’s in your court for next season. And judging by the way things are going, there’s a good chance that ball is a cleverly disguised bomb and/or security camera. See you in the fall, Revengers!!