OK, so that? Is the kind of episode we’ve been waiting for. After two weeks’ worth of historical blah blah, this week got down and dirty with the crazypants Reign plot twists we’ve been craving. Random murders! Lacrosse Stick Guy! Secret identities! Magical pagan whistles! Nostro makes an appearance! And on top of that, both Mary and Kenna wear some of the weirdest dresses yet seen on this show which is, of course, saying a lot. Woo!

 

WTF #5: Cathy’s Slut Squad

Remember a few weeks ago when Cathy recruited former Bean Queen Penelope to her elite team of slut spies? This week we got intel from not one, but TWO slutty spies, increasing our desire for a Renaissance Charlie’s Angels type spinoff about these ladies and their wacky adventures.

We start things off with one of these “how did The CW get the budget for this set?” sets, where everyone’s on site to greet Francis, returning from Calais.

 

Among the crowd are Cathy, wearing the furry cloak we’ve seen before (ahh that’s where they got the budget from) and this never-before-seen member of the Slut Squad.

 

While Cathy’s nailing it (as her usz) with a flaw free bun, her lady in waiting is working some budget Game of Thrones quadruple twists.

 I’m guessing this isn’t the lady who does Cathy’s ‘do because by Reign standards, that is some subpar braid action on Blondie here.

 

Later, Cathy busts out this layered look. I’m assuming this button-down with velvet brocade jacket is like her version of a pantsuit?

Also assuming that pendant she’s playing with contains some sort of poison, because you know it totally does. Her coat probably does, too. Girl’s prepared for anything at this point.
 

Cathy checks in with yet another member of the slut squad, this one disguised as a maid.

Assuming that low-cut of a top is the standard issue for maids who moonlight as Cathy’s spies.
 

But remember Blondie from before? It’s just as well her hairdo was so memorable, as it’s the best way to identify her again when she appears in the arms of Mary’s evil Uncle:

If we’re still making Game of Thrones references, Cathy is like Littlefinger x Varyx / Olenna Tyrrell at this point. Nothing goes on in this court that Cathy doesn’t know about.

 

WTF #4: Bash and Kenna and the Mystery of the Secret Pagan Whistle

So the show’s newest supercouple, #KENNASH, find themselves taking part in a new mystery this week after Bash discovers The Darkness’s Ocarina of Time secret pagan whistle.

   Or something? I just know that this show treated the secret pagan whistle with ABSOLUTE SERIOUSNESS. But like… what? Don’t they have enough proof that The Darkness is up to no good without…anyway. But this is the sort of WTF that I love about this show, so no worries.

 

The whistle, of course, was found in the possession of young Pascal, an orphan pagan boy. The show’s version of CSI (welcome back, Nostro!), checks him out and finds that a) his teeth aren’t sharpened and b) he hasn’t been attacked by The Darkness.

Kennash are there in the background but…what’s she wearing? Let’s take a closer look.

 

Lately this show has been all about illusion netting, so that’s part for the course. This sequinned embellishment resembles nothing so much as a big, spangley bib.

It’s like someone Photoshopped the top half of a figure skating costume on top of Kenna’s gown.

 

Here’s the H-to-T:

This is like a scrapbook of a dress. Figure skater bib, corset top, sheer sleeves, chiffon tutu-esque skirt.
  

Though Bash gets snaps for this leather jacket, which is actually somewhat Renaissance-y.

 

The plot twist about Pascal is that on the one hand, Kenna’s heretofore unseen maternal instincts come out and she becomes like Kenna Poppins, taking him under her (sequinned) wing:

 

This includes her taking off with him, while Bash sticks around to go Hardy Boys with Nostro on a hunt for the Darkness.

 

But then PLOT TWIST!! Pascal was orphaned when his father was killed in the woods. His father? Was that pagan priest Bash killed earlier this season.

And you thought this show didn’t pay attention to continuity.

 

WTF #3: Frary are the hottest married couple this side of Jay-Z and Beyonce

Francis’s return from France was cause for one of this show’s now-trademark Frary sexytimes interludes. You’d think this chainmail shirt would require a few extra hands to help him undress, but that’s underestimating the power of Frary’s teen married hormones.

 

Oh and just for the record, for their sexy reunion, Mary was wearing her regular black, this time with crochet-adjacent sleeve action:

Just so you have some idea of what they were wearing before they started taking it all off.
 

First Mary makes quick work of the chainmail:

  

Then Francis takes care to show us all Mary’s latest La Perla corset top:

  

Then an ode to that shot in the opening credits of the woman’s back in a corset:

…along with yet another allusion to how the men on this show are really into pleasing their ladies.
 

And then Mary took the alleged French Renaissance trend of sheer fabric to its extreme. She’s wrapped herself in an entire sheer curtain, with what looks like a hot pink (?) dress inside?

 Somehow, Cathy is still able to take her seriously as a fellow Queen, even in this dress. Because just like happens every three episodes or so, it’s time for Mary and Cathy to overcome their mutual hatred/murder attempts to team up.

Yes, this time the two HBICs are for serious going to take down Cray King Henry. We’ll see how it goes this time around.
 

WTF #2: Lola gets her murder on

Remember awhile ago, Mary forked the dude to death the same week Greer killed a guy with a frying pan? Lola finally steps up and proves her mettle this week as she also totally (quasi-accidentally) murders a dude. But let’s backtrack.

Check out the cozy cottage Lola, her fetus, and Lord Soulpatch are now living in! It’s not quite Downton Abbey, but it’s pretty cute, right?

 

After all the drama, Lola really seems to be settling into her new life as a wife and mother, right? She’s legit glowing here:

 

What could possibly go wrong?

SO MUCH.

 

SO MUCH.

Lord Julian’s Uncle Bartos blows into town, all “Hey guys! Where’s my nephew? I heard he married a French lady?”

 

Because it turns out that Soulpatch IS NOT LORD JULIEN. The real Lord Julien is actually dead, and Soulpatch is his former personal secretary who pulled a Talented Mr. Ripley on his Hungarian ass. Basically, Lola’s husband has no title, maybe killed his boss, and is actually named Remy.

 

Lola, quite rightly, is equal parts confused and enraged. And also, gorgeous:

 

Remy’s like, “I love you! Even though I lied about everything and that whole thing where I wouldn’t marry Greer because she was kissing Leith makes no sense but I love you!”

 

And then… Lola totally accidentally impales Uncle Bartos:

 

“Did I do that?”

   So naturally, Lola and Soulpatch Remy decide to burn down the whole house and pretend that Bartos’s burned body is Julien’s, and then flee. Which means that he and Lola must now part but she can still pretend like she married the actual Lord Julien or…something?

This part of the show was amazing. I legit gasped out loud when Bartos got impaled. It would take a lot for anything to surpass this as the #1 WTF of the week but… well… you’ll see.

 

WTF #1: Henry Goes The Full Cray Cray

So, as we all know by now, King Henry’s fully obsessed with taking over England. And the way he thinks to do that is by getting Mary, his daughter-in-law to take it over for him. Also, he likes to wear all the robes:

BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!

 

Henry shows his softer side when he and Francis hang out on some sort of hunting trip scenario. Or some sort of army scenario? Not sure.

 

Whatever they’re up to, he literally shows his softer side here in a cowl neck sweater from the Rufus Humphrey collection.

 

Somehow, this chat with Francis makes Henry go a little less insane. Which causes Francis to run to Queens Cathy and Mary to get them to call off their plan to kill Henry. Because yes, Cathy and Mary had hatched the world’s greatest murder plan — POISONED COMMUNION WAFERS!!

Don’t worry, Cathy didn’t give these wafers the old Medici treatment after all.

 

But SOMEONE is still trying to kill Henry, as seen above in the chalice. Once Henry spots this would-be killed, he goes all Fight Club on his assassin ass:

Yeesh. Apparently this show’s still got plenty of budget money for faux blood.

 

The preist and altar boy are as freaked out by this as the rest of the viewing audience. But seriously, first Henry goes all Crucifixion-kinky with Penny in the chapel and now he gets his Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho on? Literally, is nothing sacred?

 

Henry rounds out the episode with a fairly epic soliloquey about how God has chosen him to rule the universe, etc. It ends with the line that brought his antics up to the #1 WTF spot:

Even Lacrosse Stick Guy (who is possibly his dead brother? Not sure) is like, “The hell?”

 

When your personal castle ghost is questioning your sanity, it’s time to get some help, H.