What Jess Wore to Cruise with her Ex

So things get weird(er?) this week when Jess and Nick invite the gang along on a cruise that they booked while together (and drunk). Coach is afraid of boats, and Schmidt and Cece have some cute/awkward moments…I think they’re totes getting back together, you guys. Oh, and Winston is there, if only to hatch a brilliant plan to abduct Nick and Jess after they decide to split the ship in half to stay away from each other.

 

“Hey guys, we’re taking you on a cruise, and it totally won’t be weird!”

I really love this dot dress, one of Zooey Deschanel’s designs for Tommy Hilfiger. Standard Jess fare, and pretty much perfection. Yeah, you know what you’re missing, don’t you Nick?

 

The rest of the group, on the other hand, would very much like to miss this cruise. Look at those faces. The guys all look character standard, but look at Scmidt flashing some ankle here. And also,  I NEED Cece’s nude wrap shirt asap. Seriously.

 

While Jess and Nick are explaining that their plan is NDB, we get treated to a flashback to the formerly happy couple, booking the non-refundable tickets in their inebriated state.

You guys, do you think that, in addition to the vast pajama collection, Jess has a “Red, White, and Blue” wardrobe? Let’s try and make that a thing.

 

Once on the ship, the group discovers that they’re bunking up college style, with cots and beds all thrown up against each other. Don’t even tell me you all didn’t do that back in the day.

Jess is donning another Hilfiger collab dress, which I don’t like quite as much. Kinda reminds me of something I wore in pre-school. I’m dying over Cece’s Missoni-adjacent situation, though. So summery and floaty. Perfect for a few days at sea.

 

So after an awkward encounter with the cruise director and the captain, Jess and Nick cash in their sweethearts package, which they very quickly discover to be erotically charged. Like couples yoga where they breathe into each others’ genitals.

I’d like to get intimate with Jess’s workout gear, especially that comfy looking mint tank. Think of all the poses we could do together!

 

And after a towel-folding seminar and a couples massage, the ex-couple end the evening with a wine tasting in a romantic setting. What would go wrong?

How could Nick resist Jess in this navy and white, wide-striped Kate Spade coat? Look at those gold buttons. Love. Unfortunately, Nick goes in for the kill and ends up licking Jess’s neck, and the dynamic duo decide to split the deck in halfsies, like you did with your sibling.

 

Winston to the rescue! He rounds up Cece, Schmidt and, to a lesser extent, Coach (who’s still wearing his life vest), to stage an intervention for Jess and Nick.

God, Cece! You’re killing it this week with these outfits! A coral dress like this has been on my wish list for years. Years.

 

 

After everyone takes turns confessing what’s weird about themselves, Jess and Nick finally admit that living together — even though they’ve broken up — is a wee bit bizarre.

Not bizarre? This Zooey Hilfiger dress, worn with a belt. In fact, I think a V-neck and cinched waist is the best silhouette for Jess. Or most people, for that matter. Take note.

 

Unfortunately, the intervention turns into a lock-in when their door gets stuck. For three days. Whoops! 

Yeah, things went from lighthearted Love Boat hijinx to Lord of the Flies crazypants right quick. Observe, this is how the cruise director and maid find them. They’ve gone feral, you guys.

As documented by the Mexican media, post-rescue. Why does Winston look like he wants to buy me a drink? Why yes, I’d love a beer. And Cece is TOTALLY checking out Schmidt.

Sidenote: How can all of these people still have such great hair after three days of being trapped? Did they just sit around and do their hair, what with nothing better to do?

 

Back in LA (and, I imagine, many hot meals later), the gang gathers to view a framed photo of the crazy.

Another casual Cece win with this Joie v-neck blouse. Girl knows her colors. And I feel like I’ve seen this dress on Jess before. Or am I getting bored with her samey outfits? Hmm…

Tear — no more New Girl untill the fall. But it sounds like the gang will stick together, since Schmidt and Nick will share a room. With bunk beds. Ah, just like college/the cruise.