So this show continues its sudden veer into historical drama which like — why? Who asked for them to stop having paranormal-adjacent murderous sexytimes? Was there a push from the fandom for more boring storylines? Luckily, Mary gets her Medici on and launches a fairly varsity-level scheme to get funds to help out the Scots by kidnapping Cathy. This leads to our biggest WTF moment but, really, Reign was sort of low on WTF this week. Get it together, show!

 

WTF #5: Francis Goes to War

As part of this new historical-flavored policy, Francis gets all King of the North and heads out with some troops to…something something Calais something castle something English.

While being a Commander suits him (i.e. he looks super hot like this) it’s actually not at all historically accurate since the real Prince Frahhhncis died at age 15 and was sick all his life and never led a military campaign. Just FYI.

 

Then Francis tries out his best Katniss look. Not bad.

Not just with the archery, but with the whole “one spark can start a revolution” business.

 

Seriously, how does the CW have the budget for explosions like this? There’s A FREAKING CANNON FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.

Did they divert money from the costumes budget to afford this shot? Because personally, I’d prefer outfits to warfare.

 

But these dudes don’t mind. Apparently, French soldiers are just bros who like to see shit blow up.

Le woo!

 

Oh, and BY THE WAY. Francis is fighting with THIS GUY, who saved Francis’ life, and has now been promised a title and land upon their return.

In case you zoned out, that means that Greer will have to choose between Leith, the newly noble luv of her life, and Lord Pepperpot, who has been a good and decent fellow, but doesn’t exactly make her skirt fly up. Like, this isn’t even a love triangle. There is a 0% change Greer won’t choose newly-titled Leith. Too bad, Pepperpot!

 

WTF #4: Smells Like Newlywed Teen Spirit

Clearly Lola and Kenna had such fun in last week’s impromptu snowball fight, they had to drag their husbands out for round two.

Snowball fights are to this show what splashing around in the pool was to the teens on The OC, I think. Just with about 10,000 lbs more of clothing.

 

Because the plot of this show moves at whiplash-inducing speed, Lola is now TOTES IN LURVE with her definitely destitute/maybe-psycho-killer-and/or-The-Darkness hubs. How long has it been since we saw her legit happy?

Note: Between the snow, cloak and hair ribbon, we’re having flashbacks to her role as Susan on Narnia in this ensemble.

 

How wholesome can you get? Now they’re playing soccer, too?

MORE SEXY MURDERS! LESS TEEN INTRAMURAL SPORTS!

 

Anyway, all that soccer cheerleading in the snow led to a trip to the midwife. Not sure how pregz Lola is at this point, but this is 100% the first time she’s had a visible baby bump.

Like, you’d think this might have appeared during last week’s episode (which took a month’s time leap from the previous one) or that it would have gradually appeared, but then it wouldn’t be a WTF, would it?

 

Sidenote: that fleecy blanket looks like it would STANK.

And she’s so happy, you know something’s going to go wrong. Nobody ever smiles that big on this show without getting some sort of HORRIBLE PLOT TWIST next episode. Like maybe her baby is secretly a demon? #hopeso

 

We did get a mini-plot twist, not that we didn’t see it all coming, when Lola learns that Soulpatch was indeed just using her for money.

Wait, did they redo his facial hair now that we know he’s bad news? That’s a pretty villainous moustache replacing his namesake goatee.

 

Then it turns out that Lola actually loves him, slightly complicating things. But frankly, having a husband who (as far as the court knows) knocks you up and abandons you is still better than having a kid out of wedlock, I think? Still, no need to throw on this literal fish net as a cardigan.

Seriously, this is literally something that would be used to hunting and/or fishing and/or as a laundry bag.

But things wrap up with Soulpatch Lord Julian choosing not to sneak away with her money, but rather to be her husband and love her forever n’ ever. At least until the next plot twist.

 

WTF #3: Kennash Still Being Awesome

It still blows my mind that throwing together these two characters has made so much more than the sum of their party. Kenna keeps rocking her Super BFF routine (after she seduced the King for Mary) by fiercely protecting Lola against Lord Julian’s machinations.

Seriously, Kenna is a total badass BFF when she’s outside of Henry’s clutches/mind-control.

Even, possibly, under Bash’s influence, she’s begun to dress more 16th-century and less Coachella.

I mean, other than the sheer and the sequins and the beads. The overall shape is way more accurate than her usual styles, though, right?

 

…or maybe that ensemble was an exception. Kenna throws down some Anthropologie-style realness in this boho top:

Loving this latest addition to her warehouse of headpieces.

 

And can it be Kenna’s influence that’s got Bash wearing this top that so perfectly matches his eyes?

I mean, the top can be generously described as blousy. Did he maybe borrow it from Kenna?

 

WTF #2: Meet the Medicis, Part 2!

Cathy’s supervillain-like relatives are back in France, and can we just say thank God because this episode would have been like “French Court, 90210” without these plotlines.

This lady (remember her face, it’s important) is named Cortenza. She’s clearly an ancestor of Severus Snape.

 

While Cathy’s dress is of her trademark red-and-gold-and-sheer style, her hair is particularly lovely.

Does her Lady-in-Waiting have a YouTube channel? Because I’d really like to see how this is done.

 

Anyway, Cortenza is evil and throws shade at everyone, including the Queen of Scotland. Mostly, her jewelled outfit really makes everyone else at French court look like slackers.

But let’s be real: if Mary and the L-I-W dressed like this on a weekly basis, the show would be a lot less fun to snark on.

 

So THEN!! Like last week’s Revenge plot twist but way bloodier, Cathy gets totally kidnapped and tied up.

 

While it looks like she may be in the castle dungeons, actually she’s in this rather picturesque cabin by the seashore:

…You guys, was Cathy kidnapped to Newfoundland?

 

Anyway, it takes her 0.005 seconds to figure out who’s behind her kidnapping (Mary) and why (to get funds to help out Scotland/revenge for when Cathy killed all the Scotsmen awhile back).

HOW does her hairdo still look cute, even with the blindfold on? That’s some bobby pin and hairspray magic, there.

 

So Cathy tries to strike a deal with the kidnapper, and there’s all sorts of double-crossing, and…remember Cortenza’s face? Well, that’s pretty much all that’s left of her.

See, Cathy asked for the head of whoever arranged for her kidnapping, and this is what she was brought.

 

So, she’s set free! And her entourage (are these ladies her Slut Squadron?) is so happy to finally have something to do.

Quite the epic fur coat being carried by the one on the left. That’s like an entire bear, in coat form.

 

Gotta say this for the Slut Squadron: the presence of a severed head doesn’t seem to phase them at all. Man, the Renaissance was some different times.

 

Later on, Cathy recouperates with her hair in a casual braid (nice work again, Cathy’s hairdresser) as she lounges Victoria Grayson style, planning her next counter-move.

But little does she know, it wasn’t Cortenza who engineered the kidnapping…

 

WTF #1: Mary, HBIC

This week sees Mary back in her power color — BLACK — which is good, because floaty white dresses will not do for this week’s agenda.

Also: GREER WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? That bow is pure Peggy Olson, the sleeves are pure Golden Girls, and the skirt just says “I am no longer trying.” Get it together because with Leith being now-noble, you’re in store for some time in the A-plotline.

 

Not only in black, but the accents and cut of Mary’s looks this week are extremely regal. No layered jumper-style dresses on top of puff-sleeve tops or straplessness. She’s all business.

 

OK, she’s still slightly not-businessy. That gold top is like the Renaissance version of a vest, not a blazer. But her hairband is more crown-like than sometimes, and the overall effect puts her and Cathy roughly on par with one another.

Keep that in mind.

 

The show introduces yet another hot older dude, continuing its good track record of providing eye candy for all demographics. This one’s for you, 30+ers!

Meet Mary’s secret assissin ninja. Yes, Mary now has her own ninja.

 

And we learn via their secret corridor meetings that Mary’s totally the one that engineered Cathy’s kidnapping. That’s why she’s wearing this heavy, badass cloak.

Totally different vibe from last week’s snowball frolicking in a white dress and pastel cape, no?

 

At first, she does her best to do scheming but not like, bad scheming. She just wants the ninja to secretly learn where Cathy hides her secret stash of money, but not like, hurt her.

 

But gradually, her tune morphs until she’s like, “OK, just don’t kill anybody innocent.” And once she’s wearing this black sheer-sleeved ensemble (really similar to Cathy’s red number from earlier), she’s fresh off totally ordering Lucrezia’s beheading.

WHAT.

It’s starting to look like that time Mary forked the dude to death wasn’t so much an exception, as an indication of her future career path.

 

And…not so sure about this new chapter in her life. Having a personal ninja is one thing, but these guys are her new secret army. And these guys are pretty scary.

Although, they’re scary in that sort of cute-Reign-guy sort of way, not like in a Game of Thrones way, so hopefully things won’t go too far south. Unless they work for The Darkness. That’s a plot twist we’d welcome because something something history something zzzz…