For an episode that includes spousal inprisonment, one vision of a death orgy, one attempted assassination, torture and a possible psycho husband… it was somehow less action-packed than usual. Mary’s Bash-esque bastard half-brother appeared on the scene, getting her all riled up about the need to return to Scotland. Frahhh-ncis thinks it’s all a trap that endangers her life, so he a) tortures Not!Bash’s manservant and b) traps Mary in the tower to keep her from heading back to Scotland. But at least he did all this for good(ish) reasons, while his father’s torture-related plotline this week was more of the autoerotic asphysixiation variety. Cathy and Kenna team up (!) to oust Penny the Bean Queen, and thus make Henry realize he’s gone cray. Also? Lola’s husband is definitely up to something possibly evil. And? NostrOlivia are no more, as he sends her to The New World for her own good.
And just because we can’t let it go, it’s now like July (juding by Lola’s still-non-visible baby bump) and STILL WITH THE SNOW.
Do they live in Narnia, or what? Or is this like a Westeros-type situation where it’s winter for 100 years? Why does this bother us so much??
And also in honorary WTF land is this tribute to Greer, the L-I-W that the show forgot about. How can you take a girl who looks and dresses like this:
And give her nothing to do but give some shade every now and then, in between being supportive of her besties?
Who knew we’d see the day that Greer was showing more skin than Kenna? I KNOW!
Greer also stepped it up in the hair department. She’s really making the most of the 30 seconds she appeared in this week’s episode. This half-updo is def Pinterest-worthy.
She’s marrying a pepper baron, you guys! I know that’s not as sexy as Possibly Psychopath Husbands or Forced Arranged Marriages, but we miss our gurl.
This outfit is clearly a plea for attention. Like, the Renaissance version of a baggy tee with jeans. Love you, G!
WTF #5: Kennash keep winning us over
At first, marrying Kenna and Bash seemed a way to put two of the most problematic characters in a plotline together, to make it easier for us to fast-forward (see: when Revenge paired up Charlotte and Declan). But to our continued surprise, it turns out these two may just bring out the best in one another.
Things don’t start out super-promising for the unwilling newlyweds, as Bash presents this tasteful wedding band to his bride.
And Kenna’s basically like, “Do you have a microscope so I can see the stone in this miniscule ring? #MyHusbandIsPo #FML”
But seriously. Kenna’s not the type to get hyped up about anything tasteful and/or elegant. Maybe if he’d attached this ring via chain to a heapiece and/or body necklace, she’d be a little psyched. Girl likes her unconventional jewels.
Also, Kenna’s creeping on Mary’s trademark “Just got back from Cabo” single beaded braid action. But I guess when the Queen starts a trend, all the ladies follow.
But then, unexpectedly, after Penny steals her wedding band, and Kenna gets a new ring from Cathy, and a bunch of other shit happens, Kenna begins to realize that Bash is kinda great. And Bash continues to recognize that there are other women worth noticing at court besides his sister-in-law. Like for instance, this gorgeous gal he happens to be married to.
Kenna changed the ribbons in her Cabo braid to match this outfit. That’s some varsity-level WTF accessorizing.
By episode’s end, Kenna finds herself enjoying Bash, and Bash is respecting his free-spirited wifey who walks around wearing underwear as outwear.
I mean, I think? I think this is her bra? But maybe not? Oh Kenna, you keep us guessing!
And then: NOM!
If Kennash also have a baby, on top of Lola’s baby, Mary’s going to go around the bend with her babycrazies.
WTF #4: Lord Soulpatch AKA Bluebeard
You know the fairytale about the guy who marries women, and then kills them? I believe it’s originally a French story, so Lola has no excuses for falling into this situation.
OK, she has one good baby-sized excuse, and I’m confused why it’s still not showing in these sorts of cinched waistlines.
Oh, and see the big ass necklace she’s rocking at her wedding feast? Yeah, that was a gift from her evil hubs. And it’s like Greer-level extravagant:
But then OH SNAP! Turns out Soulpatch is kinda sorta bankrupt and the necklace is totally a fake! Lola is not amused.
I ain’t sayin he a golddigger, but he ain’t deailng with no…well, you know the rest. Lola, reminding us all she’s the Spencer Hastings of this group (i.e. The Smart One) refuses to sign over her dowry to Soulpatch until she’s sure he’s not going to murder her.
OK, I take back what I said before re: Lola’s dresses still being pretty tight. The only acceptable excuse for this shapeless lace bodice is a secret pregnancy and a strong desire to blend into the castle walls.
But whatever. Lola’s wedding is excuse for a Reign-style PARTY!!
Ain’t no party like a Reign party because a Reign party generally includes death. Also, Lorde. Go back and listen to the background music. It was so very meta.
WTF #3: That’s So Nostro, Part 1,000,000
Turns out the reason we didn’t see NostrOlivia last week is that they’ve been busy making sweet, sweet love.
And everything’s going great until Nostro has one of his post-coital THAT’S SO NOSTRO visions! This time, death orgy style!
Who’s that glowing in the middle but TOTALLY DEAD OLIVIA.
But back in the real world, she’s only glowing with the look of someone who used to be a woodland sex slave but has now found TWU WUV.
Still not recognizing that his visions are 100% non-accurate, Nostro tries to ignore the hint that Olivia’s in trouble only to be FINAL DESTINATION’d as a snake appears, poised to bite her!
I was kind of excited that Olivia’s new plotline would involve a steady stream of near-death by random things, only to be saved by Nostro. Sadly, Bed Snake was the only hint of that possible amazingness.
Anyway, the snake’s the only convincing Nostro needs to decide to send Olivia off to The New World and to safety. Because what’s safer than a lengthy ride across the Atlantic in the 16th century, other than being a settler in a 16th century French colony?
BTW, how does the CW have the budget for this kind of set?
Olivia thinks this will be a romantic cruise for two, but Nostro is fully sending Olivia and yet another Pinterest-worthy updo away on their own. And with a kiss, this plotline (which lasted for like two episodes) is dunzo.
… or is it? Nostro’s visions are never what they first seem, so I’m guessing Olivia will sneak back to French court only to be killed by THE DARKNESS and/or everyone in that hallway scene was just pretending to be dead and/or they were sleeping or something because Nostro is always wrong. Or, if she really heads out to Nouveau France, then bon voyage, Olivia!
WTF #2: Trouble in Fraridise
The trouble is two-fold this week between Francis and Mary. Problem #1: their individual kingdoms are taking precedence over their relationship, and problem #2: Mary’s outfits were among her strangest ever. Maybe it’s like Nolan’s collar-pops on Revenge? Like, the crazier Mary’s dressing, the more emotional distress she’s in?
Anyway, things start going off the rails when her bastard half-brother Not!Bash shows up:
Are all royal bastards required to do their hair like this?
Mary starts off in this fishnet top and feathered/sequined bustier and…I just can’t.
I MEAN, WTF. W. T. F. This is what you wear to a biker bar. Or to a wild night on Bourbon Street. Or to a biker bar on Bourbon Street. BUT NOT 16th CENTURY FRENCH COURT!
I guess it’s saved by the standard-issue Queen Mary gold brocade curtain fabric. Somewhat.
(Bonus! It compliments Cathy’s skirt!)
So as things go further south for Mary, she throws on this TRIPLE PEPLUM SKIRT:
Yes, I said TRIPLE PEPLUM… quadruple if you count the ruffle on her top as a quasi-peplum too.
AND THEN. Francis locks her in the tower which is like, if you read about the real Mary Queen of Scots on Wikipedia, kinda creepily foreshadowing of where she winds up later in life.
Luckily, she just so happened to be wearing this warm coat at the time of her imprisonment, which will keep her from catching a chill in there. Or maybe she can do it up Queen Cathy Jail Bordello-style and camp out there for a few weeks. It’s the least Francis could do for her.
WTF #1: King Henry’s A Little Tied Up This Week
Like there were any other candidates for the #1 WTF this week. I mean…look at this dude:
“I will not be so demeaned by a woman!” The scene that spawned maybe the best Reign GIF set ever.
But leave it to Cathy to use his new predilections against him, as she teams up with Kenna (!!?) to get rid of Penny while getting Henry the help he needs.
Love that Kenna’s response to Cathy’s request for help was, “Are you going to kill her?” And Cathy was like, “If I was, I wouldn’t need your help, obvs.”
Because all Cathy needed was to ensure that Penny left the King strung up in this quasi-Crucifixion pose in time to be caught by a church official.
HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY!!!
After Henry wised up and sent Penny packing, we got another glimpse of the thing that’s truly driving him crazy. No, not untreated syphilis or The Darkness. It’s LACROSSE STICK GUY!!
We have no idea who Lacrosse Stick Guy is, or why he’s haunting Henry, but I think he looks like every douchey kid in every 80s movie ever. Minus the historical outfit and shadows under his eyes, he could totally be a member of Cobra Kai.