This show’s been on long enough that we’ve started to figure out where it’s coming from, and yet somehow, it still manages to mystify us. Cathy gets a slampiece! And then kills him! Mary hatches a crafty political maneuver! By throwing a party! Actually, that last bit sounds like a move from Gossip Girl. Anyway, the hubbub this week surrounded a seekrit contract concocted by Marie de Guise and Cathy, stipulating that if Mary QofS dies before popping out a baby boy, France gets Scotland. NOT COOL YOU GUYS.
Bonus WTF: The gift opening
Because, as we discussed last week, I’m pretty sure wrapping paper and cute bows weren’t really the thing in Renaissance-y times.
And also, I’m pretty sure that for royal weddings, you sent the couple like, the deeds to mansions and tracts of land. Not stand mixers.
WTF #5: Cathy gets her groove back
So, what’s a deposed queen to do when her castle is overrun with lusty Scotsmen? Get it, gurl.
I mean so OK, dude is more Bill Nye The Science Guy than Jamie from Outlander, but still a step up from King Henry AS WE WILL SOON SEE.
Or, rather, we see the aftermath of. We’ve never seen Cathy this relaxed and happy, like, ever.
Bonus points: her hair looks really great all deshabille.
But of course, this is still Reign and so Scottish Dude spills some inside info about how the Scots are backing Mary against her mother, which makes Cathy take off her bedroom eyes and put on her… 1960s afghan/shawl? On top of her usz sheer red dress?
She’s still the most amazing lady on TV, but is clearly missing the influence of a Sassy Gay Friend and/or Nostro.
SPEAKING OF: Is everybody just suddenly OK with the fact that somewhere out there is a dude calling himself The Darkness who files his teeth into fangs and leaves them in the backs of his sex slaves? Because like… that’s still happening out there, not very far from the castle.
WTF #4: Kenna becomes a useful person
If you wondered how turning into Mrs. Bash OfHorseAndHunt would change Kenna’s style, we present to you… Coachella Oktoberfest realness.
Seriously. Check this H-to-T:
If you didn’t know, you’d assume she’s the servant and Mary’s the fancy lady, right? Actually, in that outfit, Mary could be mistaken for a nun with a Bedazzler fetish who is also in mourning and made her skirt out of a curtain.
And then suddenly Kenna’s style completely falls apart. I mean, she’s bravely held it together in the face of nonstop insanity all season but this is the dress of a woman who has just Given. Up. The random off-the-shoulder sheer sleeves? The sequinned/embroidered corset top that is also somehow baggy?
This is like Swan Lake gone oh, so wrong.
That said, the biggest WTF was how Kenna went from being the Aria Montgomery of the gang (i.e. pretty and oddly dressed/useless) to being the Hanna Marin (pretty, questionably dressed/awesome). Her banter with Bash is cute, her fierce loyalty to Mary is admirable and now that she’s officially as grossed out by King Pervy as the rest of the world, I think she’s on the road to becoming our new imaginary bestie. As long as she avoids more of those sleeves, OBVZ.
WTF #3: The L-I-W, in general
We’ll get to Lola’s actual plotline in a minute, but there are more important things to discuss first. Such as: why she decided to wear this Christmas tree skirt/chandelier on her shoulders to the ball of the week.
This goes on the list of all-time WTF-iest Reign outfits, and that is SAYING SOMETHING. Hopefully now she’s engaged to Lord Soulpatch, Lola can stop with the “if I wear enough accessories nobody will notice my baby bump!” fashionz.
As for the rest of the L-I-W, they used the ball as an excuse to showcase their own, now trademark, style. Mary = bodycon BLACK WIDOW, now with additional Amy Adams in American Hustle cleave action. Kenna = drunk boho fairy. Greer = 1980s Designing Women ferocity.
And then Kenna and Greer… put on… fishnet shirts and…? I can’t quite…?
It’s like hair and wardrobe (and the actresses) didn’t realize they had to be on set, so they just grabbed whatever they could find and ran out, all “We’re ready for our scene now!” Step it up, ladies.
But anyway, surprise! Lord Soulpatch totally proposed to Lola in front of everybody! And he totally doesn’t care that she’s knocked up with someone else’s behbeh, even though last week he was all Judgey McJudgerson after Greer kissed Leith. I smell an ulterior motive.
Like, I’m not necessarily saying that they should check him for missing fang-shaped teeth but like… they kind of should.
Later, Lola loses the shoulder action, and we get to see some sweet Kate Winslet in Titanic gorgeousness.
SO MUCH BETTER.
Hopefully Kenna or Greer burned the shoulder disaster once she took it off because we do not need to see that action again.
WTF #2: Mary acts like an actual Queen!
Gone is the girl who used to stoke her own fire and whimpered apologies when her besties got mad at her. Girl got her Queen on this week!
She’s so poised and regal that she managed to command respect while wearing this navel-baring gown, Roman headdress, 10-lb earrings AND part of Britney’s Toxic bodysuit.
Real talk: did the costume department just get a new Bedazzler or something? So. Many. Sequins. This. Week.
Mary’s picking up Golden Girls styling cues from Greer with these Blanche Devereaux shoulder sweepers. My earlobes ache in sympathy.
But THEN. BUT THEN. What does the Queen of Scots wear to her secret political hootenanny, featuring guests of honour from Scotland? Oh just this Alexander McQueen-adjecent plaid showstopper:
Not a super-fan of the mermaid hem, but overall, I’m living for this look on her.
WTF #1: Cathy goes Game of Thrones on Mary’s new friends
So… remember how Scottish Dude spilled the beans about Mary’s plan to rise up against her mother? Yeah, Cathy didn’t let that happen.
DEAD. THEY’RE ALL DEAD NOW.
So very, very dead.
Mary’s so grossed out by Cathy’s blatant Game of Thrones action that she punches her in the face like Mary’s Tyrion and Cathy’s Joffrey.
Seriously, she legit PUNCHES CATHY IN THE FACE. (Though I’m pretty sure Cathy’s Cersei, and Mary’s the Khaleesi. Right?)
After unleashing her fists of fury, Mary uses her political know-how to get Cathy to give in and destroy the contact. Francis is like, “That was so great when you pretended like you like Scotland better than France! LOL!” And Mary’s like, “Dude, you know Scotland is my first priority, after my lustrous hair and fancy nightgowns. And you, my darling.”
And suddenly Francis realizes that his wife is kinda scary. Scary AWESOME! For real, I can’t even snark on this nightie other than to say that those sleeves look like they’d be hella scratchy.
Just a handful of episodes left in this season. Will next week bring more of The Darkness? Will King Henry suddenly stop being insane? Will more rooms full of people get murdered in the goriest manner possible? The way things have been going lately, I vote for all of the above.