Pat 1 of 2: Poker Face

Y’all, I need to admit that I’ve lost the plot. Quite literally. And I’m pretty sure the writers have too, because I’d be surprised if they knew who was playing who these days. I bet they were all, “Oh snap! Pascal is Nixoning Emily with the knock off French whale cam!” and “Shiiiit! Aidan is back because his dad was also somehow involved in that damn plane crash. Did not see that one coming!” In further twists and turns, V loves/hates Pascal who was her childhood amour in Paris. Conrad is plotting something with Pascal and gets the house away from Stevie, giving it to V for reasons I’m not sure I understand. Daniel is busy making his “I Can’t Believe Emily Did That To Me” face and making Margaux think that Jack has eyes for Emily…something to do with Voulez, and no one actually cares anymore. 

 

In spite of all my confusion about the plot, I am 100% right there with the costume department’s plans for V’s casual wear. Because this L’Wren Scott (RIP) number? Damn.

Basically the perfect outfit for storming into your ex-lover’s office and yelling, “You don’t know me Pascal, or what I want!” #SoSoapy. So good. 

 

She follows it up with a serious pop of colour with the Ladies Who Lunch.

It’s kind of weird to see her in colour. But the pink sheath is a refreshing change of pace from the usual drama in all her outfits.

 

And what else do you wear to lunch with Morgan Effing Fairchild (!!!).

Of course Morgan Fairchild came for a lunctime champers cameo. Of course she did. Because if you’re going to be a nighttime soap opera, you best be meta about that shit in this day and age. (I’m currently praying to the Ghost of JR Ewing that Alexis Carrington makes a guest apperance).

 

As for the rest of the ladies who lunch? Please. If you’re going to bow down at the wicker throne of Queen V, at least coordinate.

Have you not seen an episode of Gossip Girl? Because, basically, V is the future of Blair Waldorf.

 

It’s the only thing that explains V’s hobbies — flower arrangement for fun, plotting, day drinking, excessively doting on her son, and wearing the hell out of this skirt.

 

In another wing of Grayson Manor, Charlotte is busy reading the Voulez gossip tip line in an attempt to be relevant. 

Cute hair, kid, and I like the daytime lace, but you need to work harder at getting a plot line.

 

Not helping matters is the fact that you decided to emulate The Nanny for an evening around the house, starting with this Rebecca Minkoff leopard dress.

Some fake nails and a little extra volume in her hair and she’d be yelling, “Oh Mr. Sheffield” in her best Queens accent… which would be refreshing from her usual blank stares and privileged pouty faces.

 

If Javier finishes Charvatar soon, we can just replace her with this iPad app, decked out in a decidedly more tasteful olive colored A.L.C. dress.

Would you actually notice the difference if Daniel whined to Charvatar instead of Charlotte? 

 

Speaking of Javier, I’m not sure why he’s here yet, except to take his shirt off for us. 

Hey buddy, the audiences at home needed some gratuitous shirtlessness, even if it isn’t bringing the sexytimes. Because there’s been a real drought these days.  

 

Over at Voulez, where no one cares what’s happening, Margaux has to choose between Rome and Jack.

 

Oh Margaux, why must you tie you and your amazing cobalt sweater dress down to this guy?

 

You’ve got badass Tegan & Sarah hair, a killer accent, and you’ve got dresses and necklaces that are somehow subtle while still being a statement necklace.

Don’t look so shocked Margaux. You’ve got the goods girl, so fly off to Rome, take that prestigious ed-in-chief job, and leave this nonsense behind! (Spoiler alert: she stays. Because she’s jealous of Jack’s relaysh with Emily. Sigh.)

 

Not wearing statement necklaces quite as well is Stevie G.

She wears a lot of sweaters and necklaces this week as she adds one more name to the growing list of People Somehow Connected To David Clark. (Santa has a shorter list to check off.)

She also forshadows her drinking by saying, “things are bad when I drink.” and “Just be glad you’ve never seen me drink.” along with, “my drinking was bad.” You could almost start a drinking game in this episode for all the times when she says this.

 

Which is why it comes as little surprise that Jack sees this happening to the sounds of Gold Dust Woman. Well played, music department. A little Stevie Nicks for the beginning of Stevie G’s downward spiral?

 

Don’t worry. She doesn’t drink. Yet. But she’s thinking about it. Probably because the costume department dressed everyone in head to toe amazingness and left her with this tweed sack of a dusty rose number. 

I’d probably drink too if that’s all I had to wear while hanging around my hotel suite or babysitting. 

 

Meanwhile across the beach — where, frankly, one of these houses ought to get a green light a la Gatsby to add some symbolism to all this staring at each other’s houses — I was a little worried about Emily’s outfits. She wore a lot of neutral sweaters this week. So many, that if I hadn’t started another drinking game, I probably would have gotten really bored of her. 

I was even worried about Nolan, who looked like an extra from Anne of Green Gables, the Sequel in his three piece brown tweed. I mean, give him a boater cap and he can go to the picnic with his chum Gilbert Blythe which — wait, that would be actually am amazing fanfic. #NoteToSelf

Anyway, both of the Revening Roomies were outshone by Infinity Box of Secrets 2.0, the waterproof edition. (In case you need to chuck your secrets into the ocean.) And no one should be outshone by a box of secrets. Least of all Nolan. 

 

Fortunately, all it took was a visit to this place to turn things around. Welcome to a place Connie and Pascal like to call “Rich White Man’s Club of Excessive Privilege.”

Brandy snifters and a giant crystal ash tray for everyone!

 

The perfect setting for Emily to wear a simple plum dress and for the return of the popped collar.

 

Yes. All the yesses to that collar with a velvet jacket. Also the perfect place for her to steal Pascal’s Inception token.

How will Pascal know what is real and what is not?? 

 

These besties plotting together continues to be my favourite thing about this show. When drunk Caribbean Aiden is all, “I’m not Nolan! I don’t come running when you need me!” 

Of course you’re not! You wear sub-par billowing white shirts while drinking in the Caribbean because Emily hurt your feelings!

 

Nolan? He’s been tortured, gone to jail, lost his house, and yet, he still pops his collar and rolls up his sleeve when needed. #Besties4Life y’all. 

Now that we’ve established that, let’s take a moment to appreciate the magnificence of Emily, once she gets out of her sad sack neutral sweaters made of the finest and rarest alpacas. That dress, that hair, that lipstick. The best. Nobody does it better. We could only top that outfit if we paired it with a red Sharpie.