This show continues to wreak havoc over the way we thought TV shows should work. Plotlines need to be carefully foreshadowed? Pshaw! This week, they basically threw all the characters’ names into a martini shaker, threw it out the window, set them on fire, and then saw which names were left to put together. And hence we get Nostrolivia! Lola with Greer’s fiance! Kenna with Bash! Krazy King Henry is like the best thing to happen to this show since…at least last week. And come on, we all know these plotlines will sort out in like the first five minutes of next week to make room for more plotlines, so let’s enjoy them while we can, OK?

 

WTF #5: Francis-icle

Frahhhncis and Mary start off the show in total sync, as evidenced by their matching leather outfits below. Although, what’s up with Mary’s reoccuring hair braid? It’s like she got it in Cabo on spring break and is now just letting it grow out rather than going through the trouble of undoing it. But yeah, these two may have the most functional relationship on this show.

(I mean, aside from the whole “Mary knows Lola is his babymama and Mary can’t get pregz and Francis has been prophecized to die of an ear infection” deal)

 

And I won’t lie. Francis and Bash’s hunting trip for The Darkness was our cue to head for another bottle of wine in the kitchen. Which is how we missed something, only to return and find Francis floating slowly, face-up, under the ice.

Whether it was The Darkness or just Francis being careless on the ice, this was one of the best moments on this show of all time. Wonder if his jaunt in these wintry waters lead to his eventual fatal ear infection? Hmm…

 

WTF #4: Beauty and the Beast

Confession: we are totally ‘shipping Nostrolivia. I mean, poor Nostradamus, with his dead family, and poor Olivia with her reoccuring rat’s nest hair.

I know, gurl. I thought you had that hair issue sorted in last week’s episode, too.

 

But you know, how could luuurve not develop between the former sex/blood slave to the pagan beast and the physician who found this sharpened human tooth buried in her back?

Not sure which is creepier: a monster leaving its tooth in your back or a human who sharpened his own tooth, then left it in your back. #shudder

 

But Nostro helps convince her to return to court (Everyone: Oh, was she gone? Didn’t notice). Olivia’s traded in her Renaissance scrubs for this Titanic-adjacent gown and possibly anachronistic black gloves.

Like, the plot has reached such levels of WTF we don’t even have time to snark on these outfits. But as per usz, she looks gorgeous in a 21st century boho sort of way.

 

And? Not only did she dip into Nostro’s deep conditioning stash, she also found some eyeliner.

She’s completes her Rose DeWitt Bukater steeze with The Heart of the Ocean, above.

 

First we had Frary in matching leather, and now Nostrolivia in matching fur. Someone call PETA!

 

Then? NOM.

It’s so wrong it’s right. So right it’s wrong. So random, it must be Reign.

 

WTF #3: Everybody Must Get Married!

Remember like a thousand years ago when this show started, Greer was all “I have to get married to save my family”? Well, after realizing she wasn’t able to sort that our herself, her fam sent Lord Soulpatch over to seal the deal. Greer’s so taken aback she forgot to attempt some braids or twists in her hair, rather going for full-on Emily Grayson waves.

But real talk: if you’re going to be forced into an arranged marriage, this nice-seeming buff dude seems like a way better option than the 50somethings she was flirting with earlier this year.

 

Sidenote: are those shark teeth on her necklace? Is this a clue that GREER IS THE DARKNESS??

Stranger things have happened on this show.

 

Then, NOM!

 

But OH NOES! Lord Soulpatch just so happens to wander in with this Tiffany blue package for her… wait, were wrapping paper and ribbons even around then?

Obvz this means the engagement is off. Seriously, bro? #ShortestEngagementEver

 

So, in her shame for messing up her engagement AND after nearly seeing Leith killed, Greer accepted Lord Pepperpot’s proposal.

Not gonna lie, he’s kinda the nicest dude on the show right now. Seems like a step-up from Lord Soulpatch, at least in the judgey pants division.

 

But! Meanwhile, Lola’s still all knocked up and with no mans. Because, she’s waiting for TRUE LOVE, remember?

Not a fan of this Betty Draper-esque housecoat. I know you’re pregz and all, but that’s no reason to give up entirely.

 

Then: Mary to the rescue, in her goth muppet outfit!

 

Make that goth muppet spiderwoman outfit.

 

Mary’s genius idea is for Lola to marry Soulpatch, who came to French court for a wife, and anyone will do, right? Lola gets her flirt on in yet another Titanic-adjacent gown, and…meh. Not loving this on her. She pops in a jewel tone, but not so much in neutrals.

And YOU GUYS. Soulpatch ditched Greer for snogging with Leith, because his reputation is sooo important to him. How’s he going to feel to learn his new fiancee is knocked up with THE ROYAL SPAWN? Or are we hoping that Renaissance nobles didn’t trouble themselves with trivia like the average length of the human gestational period?

 

After all these sudden engagements and un-engagements, Lola and Greer are back on the Reflecting Balcony, wearing fur, as per usz. We take back what we said about Lola’s boring neutrals — turns out all she needed was a sassy leopard cape to push her ensemble into Gatsby territory.

 

But what about Kenna? Why doesn’t she get a husband? Is it because no person seeing her underwear-as-outerwear can take her seriously as a person?

 

PLOT TWIST TO END ALL PLOT TWISTS.

The forced Kenna/Bash marriage has lots of potential, mainly because these two haven’t shared a scene since that time she was like “Ugh, your father is such a greedy lover!” and Bash was like, “Never talk to me about that stuff.”

And does Bash know Kenna’s the one who spilled the beans vis-a-vis his mother’s plan to get him legitimized, effectively ruining his life?

We haven’t seen this boho-crazy a wedding ensemble since Jessa got surprise married last year on Girls. You can force a girl into a marriage against her will, but she will never lose her style.

 

LOL, Cathy. Of COURSE you wore white to your husband’s mistress’s wedding. OF COURSE.

 

WTF #2: Queen of the Bean

Apparently Queen of the Bean is ever-so-slightly based on the real tradition of Twelfth Night. Though in that tradition, the finder of the bean presides over the evening’s festivities, not an entire country. Bonus: it’s meant to be held in January, which works with our ongoing beef re: snow in June.

So! According to Reign, every June-uary, the servants get to eat from this big-ass cake (props to cakemaking Leith, apparently the Peeta of his time)…

And whoever gets the piece with the bean inside gets to be Queen For The Day.

 

This year’s winner is Penelope, the kitchen maid! Get it, gurl!

Unfortch, being Queen of the Bean means you have to put up with all those other Queenly things like, for instance, being possibly sexed to death by the crazypants King.

 

Mary and the ladiez are all working some goth style for the party, which may be a clue as to how truly dark this scenario is going to wind up.

Don’t know who Lola’s trying to kid with these omnipresent shawls around her waist, but nice try.

 

So anyway, thus begins a day of fun for Penelope. First, makeover time with Cathy! Make sure the makeup’s not poisoned, amirite?

 

Penny’s a quick study, though, as she quickly graduates to kicking the real Queen out of her throne.

Ms. Medici is not amused. Nobody puts Cathy in a corner.

 

Then? Time for possibly fatal sexytimes with the King! But Penny’s got a plan…

 

Turns out she’s actually Penelope, Kitchen Maid/Faux Queen/Dominatrix. And Daddy likes it.

 

Who knew all it took to win his heart was a few blindfolds, whips, and a stern tone of voice? Suddenly Henry’s head-over-heels for Penny, which… is actually the least of anyone’s worries, Henry-wise, this week.

Cute couple, tho.

 

WTF #1: The Madness of King Henry

Henry kicks off the episode pouring hot wax into a noble’s ear, and the only sane person to stop it is Cathy.

Cathy! The voice of reason! I know, right?? She’s looking quite Queenly and dare we say, era-appropriate, in this gorgeous navy and gold filligree number. A nice departure from her usual blood red.

 

It’s hard up here for a Queen, having to keep her loony husband in check while overseeing about a million other murder-related plots. And it’s sort of sad to see her without her crown, isn’t it?

Red velvet is to Queen C as bodycon bandage dresses are to Queen V on Revenge(!!!).

 

But then! The only person in the castle able to stand up to the King is TOTES POISONED BY HER OWN POISON!!

Luckily it’s just one of those “puts you in a coma” poisons, not one of the “kills yo ass dead” poisons. So I’m sure she’ll bounce back once Nostro finds her an antidote.

 

And King Henry’s still all NO HAIR, DON’T CARE!! As he heads down to maybe kill one or both of his sons, just for the lulz.

 

Bash and Francis are like, “THE HELL?”

It’s not even the sword they’re freaking out about, you guys. It’s Henry’s feet!!

 

Gasp, no shoes! Now we KNOW he cray.

But really, making Shoeless Henry go crazy has done wonders for the plot. He’s like a machine gun of plot complications that will take the rest of the season to sort out.

Slow clap for the Reign writers. Just when we thought you couldn’t step it up any further, you come up with this. Next week’s episode is now even more of a must-watch because we literally have NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. Way to keep us on our (bare) toes.