After last week’s WTF-fest, things at French Court were fairly normal this week. And by that we mean only one visiting cast member was sexed to death, while the remaining ladies dealt with some reasonably accurate Renaissance-y problems. Still, there was an abnormally high wedding dress count, Lola waited around for tru luv, Henry has taken to fabulous posing in his leather pants (when he’s not sexing people to death), and OMG WHY IS IT STILL SNOWING??
We hate to belabor a point, but AGAIN. IT IS SUMMER. Frary blew back into court two months after their wedding (i.e. June) and so this week should still be June or July, judging by Lola’s non-existent bump.
What is this, Westeros now? Winter isn’t coming, y’all, it’s already here. And apparently always will be.
WTF #5: The Darkness
Not these guys:
Although whatever happened to Olivia’s hair suggests she would fit in quite well with this band. Just looking at what The Darkness did to her former van der Woodsen-adjacent waves gives us the sads.
Actually, we’re especially concerned about what the Reign hair and makeup people have done to this actress’s hair. She’s going to need a vat of hot oil treatment to work out those knots.
But Nostro to the rescue, with his sudden psychiatrist skillz, potions, latent baptism accreditation, plus some deep conditioner!
Nostro — possibly learning from how his tough love approach more or less destroyed Clarissa’s sanity — takes a softer approach with his newest feral companion.
But was Olivia really fed on by THE DARKNESS and subsequently possessed by it? Or does she just have standard-issue PTSD from being kidnapped and assaulted over a period of months? It says something that we’re really pulling for the former. More paranormal plotlines, less “feral ghosts discovered to be plastic surgery victims and secret love children,” please.
WTF #4: Historically Accurate Plotting
So exciting to see Greer get a plotline again! While she’s been hiding away, Greer was still hooking up with Cute Kitchen Boy and wearing fabulous cocktail rings and bracelets:
And she’s also been wearing questionable mid-20th century prom/wedding dresses:
Wedding dress count this week: 1
Greer’s still on her golddigging mission to marry well/support her fam, despite the aforementioned Cute Kitchen Boy who loves her. She’s so torn up by this decision, she pulls on this 60s hippie number, likely borrowed from Kenna.
Oh, and this week’s plotline was all about some sort of Renaissance speed dating thing where all the singletons hang out and try to pair up. Greer meets an older dude who likes her, and she gets him to offer Kitchen Boy a job, but she herself turns down his proposal.
Because? Her parents already did what she couldn’t do, and found her a match. And he’s arriving right now! Greer throws on a casual day fur to talk vaguely about her secrets with Lola, who has secrets (and a pretty fab cape) of her own.
Perhaps WTF-iest of all here is that between Kenna being sexually enslaved, Greer being forced into marriage to save her family, Mary stressing about not getting pregz to produce an heir, and Lola being on the precipice of ruin for her unwed pregnancy, the show is showing historically accurate issues that Renaissance ladies actually dealt with! #WHAT
WTF #3: Lola waiting for true love’s kiss
Yeah, we know we just praised the show for being historically accurate (??) but at the same time, Lola’s plotline brings us back to the random show we’re more familiar with.
First of all, an actual Renaissance lady knocked up by the crown prince would do what Kenna suggested last week — become the official BastardMama and live a life of infamy and riches. But I can’t blame Lola for ignoring the advice of a woman wearing Christmas lights as a headband and, frankly, the rest of this outfit:
Kenna’s no Leia, that’s for damn sure.
Mary’s hair game isn’t much better this week, so maybe it makes sense Lola’s not sure who to turn to for advice.
Mary, motivated mainly by not wanting Francis to leave her for Lola, encourages Lola to marry the first dude who asks her.
Note: we’re okay with the continued July snow if it means the ladies are throwing down such a fierce cape game. TV needs more fab capes.
Luckily, tonight’s the big annual Renaissance Speed Dating event or whatever. Mary, in a bizarro lacy shrug, sets Lola up with the biggest queen (small Q) at court.
Lola, for her part, looks pretty great (if a little green around the gills) in a romantic, historically inappropriate sleeveless number. Though maybe that’s better than Mary’s strange attempts at sleeves.
Anyway, Lola’s all “I shall only marry for true love! And also, I made this dress Fraulein Marie style, out of curtains!”
Lola, girl, there is literally a TICKING CLOCK. You met a secretly gay dude willing to marry you in five minutes, and you turn him down? And yet also refuse to go public with the royal identity of your Baby Daddy? Out of respect for your BFF, the Queen who is treating you like crap?
Related: Mary is also dressing kind of like crap.
That’s not a skirt. That’s what happens when you wrap a duvet around your waist.
Perhaps WTF-iest of all is how Lola and Mary stomp around all episode in very echo-y corridors yelling about how NOBODY CAN KNOW LOLA IS PREGNANT WITH FRANCIS’S CHILD, as though there aren’t seventeen guards standing around them at all times.
Bonus WTF to Lola’s layered look here. Guess Mary’s really started a trend of random lacey sleeves.
WTF #2: Cathy’s CSI Cleaning Service
Poor Cathy. She’s got so many skills (poisoning, manipulating, providing babymaking potions, interior decorating, execution party planning) yet she’s stuck for two weeks in a row cleaning up after her husband’s killer peen.
And I guess we have to admit that red velvet is to Cathy as leather pants are to Henry. Well, it’s good to know your look and stick to it.
Finally, she’s like, “Dude, stop killing your mistresses! WTF!” And Henry’s like, “I AM KING! Also: I may or may not be possessed by The Darkness and/or have a medical issue making me act cray!”
Like all good wives everywhere, Cathy gently suggests he go to see a doctor (or in this case, Nostro) but Henry’s like, “No, dude, I got this. I’m crazy now and also faaaabulous!”
WTF #1: Henry’s Killer Peen
Many moons ago, we nominated Henry’s weird whipped behaviour around his 16-year-old mistress as a WTF because DUDE’S THE KING. It’s like he finally got the memo as he was striking Zoolander poses all over the place in his trademark leather trousers. For instance when propositioning this lady:
… whose outfit would be worthy of its own WTF, but we’re just like thirty seconds into the episode and crazier things than this La Perla nonsense are about to happen.
Like Kenna shows up in this week’s second of three (!) wedding dresses…
… and is forced into a threesome. Which maybe she’d be down with ordinarily, but not first thing in the morning, and not when she’s already got strangle-marks on her neck from last time.
Remember when she pouted and Henry ripped out his floor tiles and threw her a fireworks show? Yeah, neither does he. And possibly, neither does this show.
But no time for Kenna’s internal struggle as the Renaissance version of the Duke Porn Star. She wakes up and mystery hooker is TOTES DEAD!
For those keeping track, the death rate of Henry’s slampieces is now at 50%. This girl and last week’s windowsex victim being dead, Kenna and Diane still alive. Those are not good odds.
Kenna tells Cathy of the CSI: Renaissance Times franchise, and Cathy confronts Henry, who’s all “No hair, don’t care!”
Werk those chaps. We know who’s the real Queen on this show.
Anyway, while his behaviour is actually kinda standard for an ACTUAL KING, doing things like making Kenna call him “Your Majesty” is totes suspicious and Cathy tries to send him for a check-up with Nostro. But Henry’s having none of that, confident some leeches or whatever will help him.
So is he having a brain-related health scare? Or is he just showing latest psycho tendencies? Or has he been possessed by…THE DARKNESS???
Again, not these guys.