I’ve always said there’s nothing more refreshing than a good blackout. Though, I can’t say I’m down with Emily’s uptick in violence. Can’t she just pass out on the couch with Miss Marple on like the rest of us? Nolan’s clearly on my side because he dispatched Aiden to drown the rage out of Miss Thing. Meanwhile, Patrick – whose murderous rage knows no sign of rest – keeps rattling the cages around town, leaving Queen V to pick up the pieces. Charlotte and Conrad are staging some sort of coup at the magazine. Or they’re training for Sectionals – who cares at this point. That leaves Jack and Stevie G to mend fences. Said fences are built on a foundation of lies and scandal but at this point, are any of us surprised?

 

Oh, Emz… the struggle is real this week. Acting a fool, carving up your veranda, wearing a leather jacket that looks like mine so I know it’s not terribly expensive. 


I’ll give her credit for the glorious hair, though. Every other episode we give her a scolding for looking like a goddamn mess.

 

After busting up Nolan’s planning party for one, Emily casually mentions she’s going to kill every last Grayson. Honey, if it were that easy why the hell are we into season three?

It ain’t going down like that and Nolan knows it, so he drops in on Aiden while wearing a delightful cream blazer and burgundy pants. 

Shutting down that black-on-black-on-we-get-it look from Aiden. These two buds come up with the only solution the know that will calm Emily…

 

Waterboarding! For real, was Takeda’s Revenge (!!!) school also a fetish camp? I don’t know many people who simulate drowning to relax and clear their head. 

Like, have a glass of wine. Have ten glasses of wine. Who am I? The police? Just live your life, Emily.

 

Emerald. Staunchness. I adore when Victoria wears green. It’s her natural colour. Standing by that. Shutting it down. Throwing in those gold accents?

How you gonna do all that in Montauk, honey? You gonna do it just. like. that.

 

Poor Victoria, though – she needed to feel gorgeous before she pulled a Fox & The Hound on Patrick. Tricking him into thinking he was her personal murder machine? Then arranging for his “apprenticeship” in Italy?

Look, I’m not saying she sold her son into an Eyes Wide Shut scenario, but Patrick’s “angry paintings” aren’t exactly top notch. But she sent him off in style in this delicate lace con. Well done.

 

Lord, give me strength! Stevie G is laying it out for you and the plans say PETITE RICH WHITE WOMAN. I’m choking on those ovah gold heels. Nothing says, “I have money” like a powerful blue and white/cream combination.

I feel like we’re watching Alexis Carrington rise from the grave and saunter into The Manor. 10s across the board.

 

Of course, we can’t forget our favourite pretty boy dilettante, Mr. Ross, if you please. Yes, I was living for the burgundy pants before but lord help the mister that comes between Nolan and chartreuse trousers. It reminds me of his first season looks, only polished.

Seems he’s stepped up the looks now that Emily is sticking to sheer ivory tops, or ivory knits, or anything that avoids the white/black colour scheme.

 

I think James Blunt has the words we’re all looking for regarding Patrick’s departure: “Goodbye, my lover/Goodbye, my friend” TBR, I’m not totally crushed he’s leaving but when the gratuitous male shirtlessness continues to fall off television, I have to express my concern.

Like, have a glass of wine. Have ten glasses of wine. Who am I? The police? Just live your life, Emily.

 

Aside from Patrick’s taught body leaving Montauk, we learned that Stevie G used to live inside a gin bottle and visited a hot convict in prison. I can’t wait to see where this one goes: finally, a storyline I can relate to!