Even by Reign’s phenomenally absurd standards, this was the WTFiest episode to date. Like, maybe in a regular episode you’ll have one or two murders, maybe one or two extremely weird outfits, and MAYBE one or two sex scenes. This episode had all that plus death DURING sex, death by CRUCIFIX, Suddenly Feral Olivia, the most questionable medical practice this side of American Horror Story and so! much! more! It was tough choosing just 5 WTF moments, but we hereby present the top 5 WTF moments of this episode, many of which are also perhaps among the top 5 WTF moments on this show EVER.

 

WTF #5: Mary’s Traveling Attire

So, Real Life Mary + Francis got married in April. I could totally believe a few flakes on the ground in April (A FEW FLAKES. IN APRIL.) but this is TWO MONTHS LATER. Which makes it JUNE. And this is a WHOLE LOT OF SNOW.

 

Anyway. M+F are coming back from their honeymoon and this? Is what she traveled in.

I mean, you’re probably thinking it’s not so bad. Sure, the neckline isn’t the most comfy, but what’s the big deal?

The big deal is THIS SKIRT.

HELL NO. This is not a skirt you travel in. Even if you’re royalty. Not that we expected Mary to throw on a pair of jeggings and Uggs, but if you’re going to be sitting in a carriage for (let’s be generous) at least two hours, is this what you want to wear? And if you were sitting around in this dress for a few hours, would the skirt really be this puffy afterwards?

 

In related news, Greer looks particularly gorge for a girl who hasn’t had a plotline in like five episodes. She could have run off and married Leith and birthed a few cute culinary babies. Nobody would know.

Girlfriend should only ever wear this shade of yellow. AMAZE.

 

But, yeah. HUGE TULLE SKIRT.

 

Mary overcompensated for the width of that skirt later on, with this bodycon nightgown. The overall effect is this show’s usual Medieval-adjavent thing, although the pattern on the front has some unfortunate upside-down-triangle placement in the macaron region.

Still, good to know that even though she’s an Old Married Lady, girlfriend’s still bringing her usual A++ fashion game.

 

WTF #4: Cathy and the King

Was this pairing not the best? When they’re not busy plotting against each other, you can totally see why they got married. For instance, when Henry accidently pushes his latest slampiece out the window (so annoying, right?) Cathy’s there to literally pick up the pieces. And we’re treated to the most hilarious exchange all season:

H: Like, how do the servants get blood out of clothing?
C: Idk, they…dip it? In something? JUST SCRUB HARDER, OK?

 

WTF #3: Renaissance Planned Parenthood

Surprise! Lola’s pregnant with Francis’ bebe, and thus heads out to Renaissance Planned Parenthood, which looks more like an American Horror Story-type scenario.

SO MANY FORCEPS.

Mary comes rushing in, in the manner of a pro-life protestor…though in this case the life she’s advocating for is Lola’s, as the RPP has a 99% mortality rate.

They have a little heart-to-heart along the lines of:

M: Don’t do this, beloved friend!
L: I can never tell you who the father is!
M: Ha ha, what, like it’s Francis or something?
L: (shifty eyes)
M: WTF???
L: Please bear in mind, you were engaged to Bash at the time and had just ruined Francis’s life, basically.
M: Ok, fair point.

 

And we can’t leave this plot point without examining what Mary was wearing as she figured out where Lola had gone. For instance, these earrings that would make even Aria Montgomery say “Girl, give your lobes a break!”

 

Oh, and then Kenna and Mary had a gossip sesh about their AWOL friend while doing some sort of Ancient Egyptian/Roman cosplay…. right?

 

 

WTF #2: Do not have sex. You will fall out a window and die.

After last week’s scandalous sex webisodes, it’s like the show needed to make up for it with several after-school messages. First, a rando noble got sexed out a window and plummeted to her death:

Like, Henry literally THRUST HER OUT THE WINDOW WITH HIS D.

 

Then, Kenna gave Lola a safe-sex talk:

(OK seriously? Check yourself here, girl. Like five episodes ago you were a virgin and now you’re OH SO KNOWLEDGEABLE.)

 

Lola almost had the scary abortion, and did you know there are potions that make babies?

It’s true, just visit Cathy’s Sex Apothecary! Guaranteed to produce heirs!

 

Let’s back up a sec to the dotted swiss dress that Kenna wore while trying to viriginally seduce this visiting noble.

DOTTED SWISS. NOT INVENTED FOR ANOTHER 200 YEARS.

Like, I know they’ve clearly never tried to have historically accurate outfits, but this is a new, amazing level of extra-not trying to have historical outfits.

 

 

WTF #1: Feral Olivia

Occassionally, we feel especially at one with the TV gods. Like when we pull a theory out of thin air and it turns out to be correct.

 

FERAL OLIVIA! TOTALLY CALLED IT! And more proud of that fact than we should be.

Though, leave it to this show to throw in a twist nobody could have ever predicted — Clarissa Olivia totally killing a priest with HIS OWN CRUCIFIX. Oh, and also how Olivia may be the blood slave to the beast the pagans all worship/fear in the woods and/or she may now be possessed by said beast?

Speaking of Clarissa, PREDICTION FOR THE FUTURE: She’ll turn up as a Mysterious Visiting Noble, completely made-over, and with many etiquette lessons under her belt. With her grace and charm, she’ll worm her way into French Court, only to wreck havoc on all those in residence.

So basically, like Revenge (!!!) but in Renaissancey times.