Part 1 of 2: I Don’t Know What I Did Last Summer
If you’re like me, you only vaguely remember shows you watched last night. So a show like this, where you have to keep a series of spreadsheets to recall past plot points, completely evaporates when it goes on a few weeks’ hiatus. All y’all need to remember is that Emily has started having blackouts, and the pre-hiatus episode ended with her WAKING UP IN BED WITH CONNIE #vom. Happily, the show quickly dispenses with the idea that they’d hooked up, though the truth is almost worse. The blackouts have Emily running around as if she’s on truth serum, throwing truth bombs near and far and running to Connie because she’s afraid to stay under the same roof as Daniel.
Unfortch, she wasn’t in a blackout fugue state when she put on the “I’m Miss Thorne, your substitute elementary school principal” ensemble.
Who are you, season one Miranda Hobbes with that Theory blazer and button-down?
So it turns out that during one of her blackouts, Ems hired Connie’s ex-wife Stevie as her divorce attorney. But don’t worry, our old friend the Revenge (!!!) Ninja is still available most hours of the day.
But later that night, her Inner Goddes comes out to play! This time, she repurposes one of her crisp white shirts with a black lace cami to seduce Aiden. Because apparently her subconscious still wants to be with Not!James Bond.
Note: getting from that librarian bun to these sexy waves clearly required her fugue self to work some serious blow-out skills. Girlfriend can multitask.
After being turned down by her lover, Emily heads for some consolation from her bestie. And I gotta give her some windmill snaps because, even mid-crisis, she’s able to throw down some deadly footwear.
Also? Nolan’s casually slaying it next to her with the coral flood pants and double collars. It’s been SO LONG since he layered a polo with a button-down. Made me a little teary-eyed.
Sorry, I need a moment.
Anyway! Emily keeps fading in and out faster than Lohan’s roots. And if Regular Ems chose that first beige ensemble, I’d like to request that Blackout Ems be placed in charge of wardrobe selection because this black and red Jason Wu number is the best thing she’s worn ALL EPISODE.
Not gonna lie: I like Emily’s bad twin. If Montauk was Sweet Valley, this is the Jessica to Emily’s Elizabeth.
So anyways, Emily’s sorta-nemesis Nico Takeda is too busy avenging (!!!) to put on anything other than this Emily Fields special.
Meh. If you’re going to take a buff dude as your gratuitously unbuttoned captive, you can at least put in a little effort with your look.
Does this woman even know what show she’s on? GET IT TOGETHER.
Meanwhile, the cutest French businesslady on all of television is doing her best to distract from The Most Boring Plotline Ever On This Show Ever a.k.a. Margaux and Jack go house-hunting. Luckily, Margaux’s floral print top, like a spoonful of sugar, helps the bad plotline go down.
Where a non-Parisienne may pair this with a pencil skirt, Margaux pairs it with a Zooeydorable circle skirt. So perf for house-hunting with your BF, non?
HOUSE PORN. WANT THIS HOUSE. SO. GORGE.
Margaux brings a much-needed shot of royal blue to Charlotte’s party. This not-so-basic Ted Baker shift is all in the details: the collar, the exposed zip. Her Flock of Seagulls hair is just the piece de resistance.
Frankly, all I know is the kind of girl who wears a necklace and dresses like this for a trans-Atlantic flight is the kind of girl I want to know. And share outfits with.
But enough of this middling around. I know why you came to this recap: NOLAN’S BUTTON DOWNS THIS WEEK OMG. Boyfriend pulls a full Spencer Hastings this week, printwise, and I’m still fanning myself over here.
Exhibit A: BOWLER HAT PRINT
I repeat: BOWLER. HAT. PRINT. Y’ALL.
Let me just gather myself off the floor.
Sorry, I may need another moment.
Ahem. So, as if there’s anywhere to go from there but up, I had to squint to figure out the print of his next standout look. Cats? Doges?
Oh no, you guys. MOTHER EFFING LION HEADS.
I don’t care how bananacakes the plotlines get on this show, or how many extremely boring plots they throw at Jack. As long as this man is on my TV screen, I will be committed to this show for all time, world without end.