Part 2 of 2: Fifty Shades of Mrs. Grayson

So, the littlest Grayson/Clarke is still doing her best to werk that post-Europe I’M SO EMO look with the studs and the bangs and nobody cares anymore, darling.

Just brush off the floral sundresses and get on with your life.

 

Why is she still on this show, seriously? Has anybody ever cared less about anybody’s 19th birthday than the viewing audience did about hers?

This ISN’T EVEN A REAL SINGER. This is some dude hired to act like he’s singing at Charlotte’s party because EVEN THE SHOW DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HER CHARACTER ANYMORE. 

 

Doing her best to stay relevant, Charlotte busted out a strapless blue number (in a similar shade to Margaux’s, hmm…) which set her apart from her mother and Emily in black-and-red.

Because what 19-year-old doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday with her sociopathic mother and a crowd of middle-aged strangers?

 

But then YOU GUYS!!! We finally get to see Queen V’s Bandage Dress Warehouse, a.k.a. the only clothing store in The Hamps. Seriously, it’s just a whole store filled with bodycon dresses. Hilaire.

Vic’s thinking of picking up that white and black number but then OH NOES!!!

 

Ex-wife’d!


That’s right, the original Mrs G is back in town and she is here to THROW. DOWN.

 

She came prepared for this jaunt to the Hamps, bringing her best Face:

 

Along with Attitude:

 

And? Foot. Wear.

At least we know Connie has a type, right? And that type is BAD ASS BITCH. Dying.

 

Yes, it turns out Mrs. Graysons come in a full range of colours from Snow White Gone Wrong…

 

To Cinderella meets Sharon Stone Basic Instinct realness:

 

Seriously. Look at this double shot of Mrs. Graysons:

They’re like the little angel and devil on Connie’s shoulders, waiting to impale him with an ice pick. Plus! They have more in common than hate loving Connie. You know what I’m talking about: secret sons!

 

Victoria and Patrick’s relaysh is getting more and more Bates Motel-ish as they team up for more codependent murdering, all while looking like perfectly coiffed mannequins.

Blah blah Queen V bodycon dress blah blah. Patrick shoulders Ken Doll face blah blah. 

 

Anyway, they go from metaphorical partners in crime to literal partners in crime after Patrick’s bad Dad goes the way of Reign‘s Aylee:

Except instead of being killed by a feral girl in a burlap sack, he was done in by a rogue table corner and Patrick’s powerful biceps. 

 

Vicky’s black and red wardrobe this week makes sense, as we learn she’s been waiting all hour to murder Jimmy. And nothing hides telltale blood stains like a red dress.

Loving her FINALLY going for a silhouette other than “overstuffed sausage casing”. Not such a fan of the 1994 Brenda Walsh pewter hair clip. You’re not Cressida Bonas, bb.

 

And THEN!!! Just when you think the episode’s over, Stevie shows up for a sudden end-of-episode…

She’s Jack’s Mom! That makes no sense! But is somehow awesome anyway! 

I know what you’re all thinking: does this mean Jack is now somehow related to Emily and/or Charlotte and/or Daniel and/or Patrick? Don’t worry, I’ve done all the research.

a) Jack’s mother was once married to Connie. Which means he and Daniel are sort of… ex-step-siblings?

 

OK, so since Daniel is Connie’s only bio-child, that means that Daniel himself is half-sibs with Charlotte and Patrick.

So Jack is ex-step-sibs with Daniel, and ex-half-step-sibs with Charlotte and Patrick. Maybe?

But then, of course, Emily  and Charlotte are also half-sibs:

Right? So basically, every middle-aged person on this show has slept with every other middle-aged person, leaving every person of the next generation somehow almost-but-not-quite related. So this Jack revelation works BUT if they make Margaux related to any of the people in the above diagrams, I will need an extra box of wine to get through this show.