It’s becoming harder and harder to choose just 5 WTF moments each week from our fave trainwreck of amazingness. Like, is there a single character left on this show who a) hasn’t killed at least one person, even by accident or b) isn’t hiding some sort of DEEP DARK SECRET? Just when it seems no more drama can possibly be wrung out of the French court, Mary’s BAMF mother strolls into town, sending everyone into chaos. Also? Nostro continues to be not so Not So Raven as he keeps misinterpreting his premonitions, and this means Mary can marry Francis YAY! Except he’ll still die of an ear infection BOO! But Clarissa’s not really dead so YAY! Really, everything’s back to status quo (Cathy no longer in jail, Francis the heir to the throne) except Mary is now Mrs. Francis Dauphin.
We’re going to kick this off with a bonus WTF: Lady Kenna, Castle Whore. We mean that with the utmost affection, but seriously, gurl, get a hobby that’s not disrobing in front of the King. He’s JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
However, this is some Dynasty realness happening right here.
And apparently the wardrobe department needs to remind us that she’s gone from The Boho One to The Slutty One by putting her in a bustier top with sheer sleeves.
EXPOSED BRA! So anachronistic in so many ways, and it’s not the first time it’s happened, either.
WTF #5: Cathy plans a party!
Is she planning the Royal Wedding of Mary to one of two brothers? Au contraire — Queen C’s busy making sure her execution party is the highlight of the French Renaissance social season.
Prawns? No, no, this is all wrong.
Much as we’d hate to see the end of Cathy and her poisonous ways, we’d be totes OK if we never saw her horrifying stretch velvet dresses ever again.
Although those flared sleeves are sort of Renaissance-adjacent.
WTF #4: Nostro, world’s worst/kinkiest psychic
Seriously, since when did NOstradamus (hee-hee, that’s a typo, but we’re keeping it) need to have an orgasm followed by near-death via hanging in order to get a vision?
Like, we’ve seen him getting visions randomly in the middle of parties and hallways and empty rooms. Also: where did this slampiece come from?
So anyway, Nostro heads over to Cathy all, “Oh, sorry, did I say Mary would bring about Francis’s death? I totally meant she’d bring about the death of your FIRST BORN, i.e. Clarissa, who Mary Totally Killed last week. So she can totally marry Francis now. My bad!”
In related news: does he ever take off his bear suit? Even for the wedding?
But THEN Nostro gets a sudden (non-sex-hanging-related) vision that shows that Mary actually WILL bring about Francis’s death after all!
What, did she pull a Hannah Horvath on him with a Q-Tip? How is this ear infection Mary’s fault?
WTF #3: Cathy slits her wrists to prove a point
“Yes, I know I tried to murder/suicide you last week, and have been trying to kill you for the past twelve episodes, but I’m TOTALLY SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.”
It’s kind of like a little kid holding their breath.
And we’ll get to Mary’s wedding dress in a second, but in the mean time, why couldn’t she have worn this to her wedding? It’s era appropriate-ish and is a pale color that would satisfy our 21st century expectations of bridalwear.
Plus she actually has a RUFFLE around her NECK for the first time since the sleeveless turtleneck Portuguese lambada episode from a thousand years ago. #HistoricallyAdjacent
WTF #2: Bash gets to has to watch
So Bash and Francis go full-on Stefan/Damon with these graveyard fisticuffs. But real talk: Francis calling off Mary and Bash’s stupid elopement wedding was clearly a good call. So disappointed in Mary — I thought she was more practical than to run off with a bastard before he’s been legitimized by the Pope.
Bash is totally the Damon, right? All dark and broody? Except he’s actually sweet and self-sacrificing while Francis sleeps around so…
Whatever, Mary’s not putting up with these shenanigans any more than Elena/Katherine does on TVD.
So anyway, Mary’s BAMF mother tells a white lie that the English queen is dead which blah blah Mary has to choose a brother to marry like right now and surprise! It’s not this guy:
Not only that, but Bash gets sent in with the rest of the cool kids to watch Mary and Francis’s bedding ceremony. Way harsh.
And it turns out Mary and Fraaahhhncis are totally into exhibtionism, really letting loose in front of basically everybody they know. In fact, these kids got so rowdy that The CW had to release a special Super Sexy version of the episode online.
But then Mary has like…a moment? With Bash? Mid-thrust with Francis?
At least the LIW have the decency to look away, particularly the one who totally hooked up with Francis last week.
Which brings us to…
WTF #1: THE WEDDING!
Not sure how they threw together such a lavish ceremony in the two seconds they had, but let’s just assume they used the decorations intended for Cathy’s cancelled execution party.
And yet, her mother’s outfit stands out as even more out-of-place. Marie de Guise arrived dressed for the Monster High prom, not for her daughter’s 1558 wedding.
I’d say this is where Mary got her… anything from… but it’s totally not true. Mary is stubborn and regal yet also impulsive and wishy-washy, whereas Marie is an unstoppable force of nature. But I guess Mary inherited her all-over-the-map-yet-totally-fabulous fashion sense from her.
Because did we mention pretty? So. Pretty.
Sorry, just have to go add this to my imaginary wedding Pinterest board.
Anyway, Francis doesn’t seem to mind the anachrostic fashion choice (nor has he all season), so all the ‘shippers should be happy.
Except for the stubble. I’m pretty sure there were razors in the Renaissance? Maybe not. I can’t remember what’s real history and what’s just Reign drama anymore.
But now that Mary and Francis are married and CLARISSA IS TOTALLY NOT DEAD you know things are going to get even crazier. Not sure how that’s even possible.