This show, you guys. Usually we try and recap its five most WTF moments but this week was like a glorious rainbow explosion, the WTF splattering all over the walls in anachronistically dressed amazingness. It all started with the opening credits, sadly missing the faux-Masterpiece intro that explains the history of the show. Perhaps they noticed that their show has nothing to do with history? But then: Hooks hidden in Bibles! Renaissance orgy gambling halls! Lola has a brother! Narnia snow fair! Angry proletariat! Cathy’s dead NOWAIT she’s escaping NOWAIT she’s sticking around! The only way to truly allow you the experience of watching this episode is in this, the first-ever YKYLF doge-cap.

 

So Cathy’s still in jail, and Nostro snuck her a doohickey that allowed Cathy to string herself up with a fake noose, thus giving Nostro an excuse to take her (presumably) dead body out of the cell. Got all that?

No, but really. How did Cathy string herself up that high? She’s like three feet tall.

 

Meanwhile, it’s winter carnival time! Kenna and Greer earn their paychecks and bring this episode’s only truly fun fashion. Thank you, ladies, and step it up, show.

 

But we did have Mary and Bash modelling some metallic numbers, kind of like they’re the secret ancestors of Aria Montgomery.

Mary has suddenly realized that Francis’ little brothers are majorly effed by her grand plans to marry Bash. There’s back-and-forth about what to do with the kids, and Bash goes behind Mary’s back and arranges for a fake (I think?) kidnapping. I don’t know. It all got very confusing.

 

I mean, by the end of the season, will she be accepting marriage proposals from the only remaining sons of King Henry? Because she’s setting some sort of record for proposal-acceptance from the same gene pool.

Nice puffy shirt. Seinfeld would approve.

 

No idea what happened in this scene. Something about Lola finding her brother in this gambling house? Whatevs, so distracted were we by the lady in the thigh-highs on the left. Like…have those been invented, yet?

Loved the CSI: Miami style trance music soundtrack, tho. Very Renaissance.

 

And who does Lola find at the Den of Sex & Gamling? FINALLY WE MISSED YOU OMG.

 

But… waitwhat?

Yeah, they totally do it. I’m sure this will have no reprecussions on future plot lines.

 

Right, so, the little princes were kidnapped (or “kidnapped”), and Clarissa snuck along for the ride. All was hunky-dory until she decided to kill the children, partly because she’s mad at their/her mom, but mostly because she’s a feral psychopath.

BTW, maybe Mary should have given Clarissa a comb as well as a mask?

 

Cathy (who is by now out of the castle completely) talked Clarissa down from the ledge, while Mary snuck up behind Clarissa and whacks her but-good on the skull with a sharp rock.

It was Mary, in the forest, with the rock.

 

And thus, Mary’s death count goes up to 2. If you recall, earlier this season she totally forked a Neopolitan.

Yes, we realize she’s not the Bloody Mary, but if the cloak fits…

 

Anyway. This can’t be the end of Clarissa, right?

 

You guys??? IS THIS THE END OF CLARISSA? Or is it just the beginning of Clarissa’s return as a legit ghost and/or zombie?

We have literally no idea what next week will bring. But if there’s nobody with a burlap sack hat, we’ll be much sad. Very cry. Wow.