The Olympics are over, and I’m crying in my spiked cocoa. Let’s look back on the ice dancers and ladies. Before we get started, just remember that in ice dancing, there are no jumps. Got that? Good. However, given the ballroom theme of the event, there are more opportunities for Strictly Ballroom-levels of spandex and sequins. Consider yourself warned.

 

Nelli Zhigansina & Alexander Gaszi (Germany) – 11th

Their theme is: the nerd and the society lady. Or rather, a nerd’s definition of what a proper society lady is.

That explains why she’s dressed as a glamazon extra from Logan’s Run.

 

Sara Hurtado & Adria Diaz (Spain) – 13th

Nice bums, where y’all from? These sexy Spaniards are the first ice dancers from their country to skate at the Olympics. The concept is Picasso and his muse.

As you can see, they go for broke in costuming. Dedication to sell a vision is key. Although he is a bit of a beatnik here, I wonder if they make silkscreen shirts of her top, for men. Because I would buy them in bulk.

 

Nathalie Pechalat & Fabian Bourzat (France) – 4th

This team likes to take things literally. In past competitions, they’ve dressed us as the Rolling Stones, Charlie Chaplin, clocks (don’t ask) and for a mummy free skate she dressed in toilet paper. I shit you not, literally. So when they decided to skate with the theme of The Little Prince, we got literalness:

She’s the prince’s rose, get it? Yet strangely it works. The mix of the lime green against the lovely rose is charming and playful without being cloying. And he’s the little boy from the famous book cover.

 

Elena Ilinykh & Nikita Katsalapov (Russia) – Bronze Medalists

Remember what I said in the men’s recap that someone does Swan Lake every year? Guess what, someone did:

I’m aboard with there being two black swans, and unlike last week in the team event, she wears a full-on diadem and even eye jewels. It’s all about the presentation, especially for ice dance. The swan queen needs her throne. Somewhere, Natalie Portman is really, really jealous.

 

Ekaterina Bobrova & Dmitri Soloviev (Russia) – 5th

Here’s an idea for a free dance: a woman nurses her lover back to health after he was in the sanitorium, only to lose her own mind in the process, and their roles reverse. Daring concept, non? But then they set it to a mash-up of music from “The Man with a Harmonica” and Tosca. And on top of that, their outfits:

She’s got Gap’s day-to-night transition wear, exclusively for Chelsea Premium Outlets! For some reason, he’s wearing Jennifer Beals’s sweater from Flashdance. If they were going to fling that 80s relic on him, why didn’t they just skate to “Flashdance” and “Maniac” and she could wear leg warmers instead? Worst outfit-music combo of anything in the Olympics this year, by far. 


Meryl Davis & Charlie White (USA) – Gold

The best-dressed dancers are the gold medalists (U-S-A! U-S-A!). Yes, the music is Scheherazade and overused, but it seems out of everyone who’s ever done this number — and I include my beloved Michelle Kwan — Meryl’s outfit is simply the best-dressed of them all.

Meryl is queen of the ice and has the jewels to match. Elena Ilinykh, take note. Bonus: they look like Disney characters.

 

And now we move onto the ladies singles recap, which went down as one of the most nail-biting and controversial in Olympic history. But what did they wear?

Adelina Sotnikova (Russia) – Gold

She owned the night and was a long shot to make it to the podium, let alone the top spot. But the Muscovite would not be denied, and unseated no less than THREE world champions, brushing aside the disappointment of not being asked to skate in the team event, to claim a gold medal all to herself.

I hope that with her newfound mega-celebrity and fortune, she will be able to find a dressmaker who can make costumes that actually fit. As Daniel Cleaver once said to Bridget Jones, you appear to be missing your skirt. Is skirt off sick? Plus, this number was to Carmen. CARMEN. And NO flamenco outfit? I would have deducated mucho negative points for program components and presentation! HELLO!?!

 

Yulia Lipnitskaya (Russia) – 5th

It’s a challenge to play the girl in the red coat from Schindler’s List, but sure enough she did.

The look pays off beautifully, to match her glorious program. I’m stunned that she’s essentially in a full-body coat and doing splits on ice that hurt me just to look at them. It would not surprise me in the least if it were revealed that the Russians invented a new type of epoxy or super-stretchy Incredibles-style fabric that would keep her outfit from snapping.

 

Gracie Gold (USA) – 4th

Frank Carroll’s latest protégée used to be all ice princess-y, but this season has cut a striking figure by going for a clean Grace Kelly look in this shimmery blue diamond number. It also matches the background and stands!

No wonder she’s got a Cover Girl ad. Although the music is to Tchaikovsky’s Sleeping Beauty and she carries off the air of a refined ballerina, I wonder if she could achieve as distinctive a look with her hair a little freer and not always in a tight chignon on top of her head. Doesn’t she have a headache, by now?

 

Mao Asada (Japan) – 6th

The great Japanese world champion and 2010 Olympic silver medalist has always been greatly outfitted, although she did have an overt fondness for collared dresses and frills a few years ago that’s (mostly) gone by the wayside. 

The flower bursting all over her dress is much like the Rachmaninoff piano concerto she chose for her music. Start at the centre in the dark, and let it bloom. The effect is gorgeous. Mao delivered what I thought was the performance of the entire games, given how far back she had fallen in the short program, in a free skate for the ages. Good thing she looked glorious to boot.

 

Yuna Kim (South Korea) – Silver Medalist, 2010 Olympic Champion, and Best-Dressed of These Entire Olympics (Can you tell I think she should have won gold????)

All hail QUEEN YUNA. She rocked out two clean, accomplished programs in two fabulous costumes. First up, her short program, which people likened to mustard and urine in shade:

Oh, the naysayers: they’re so common. They don’t know that this evokes Peggy Fleming’s lime number from the 1968 Olympics, in which she skated to gold. And they clearly don’t understand that this was influenced by Nicole Kidman’s chartreuse John Galliano gown from the 1997 Oscars. Know your fashion history, people! Plus, it would make a fascinating cocktail dress.

Bonus look: her free skate dress:

The two-toned plum-and-midnight look may not quite match the tango she performed, but this lady is one of the all-time greatest skaters and will always be remembered for her incredible artistry, programs, outfits, philanthropy, and utter class, even when she realized THE CROWN WAS NOT HERS IN 2014 WTF TRAVESTY ALL AROUND! ALL HAIL QUEEN YUNA!!!

Deep breaths. Ok, I’m done.