Um… you guys? What just happened? Are we the only ones more than a little confused here? It’s like every week, this show puts a season’s worth of plot into a single episode. You may have been distracted by the Clarissa-palooza this week, but other events of note include that Francis is still AWOL this week (or maybe just lost in the castle’s secret hallways), leaving #Mash to get even closer. Queen Cathy is still sort of a prisoner, except sort of not, while the big news is that King Pervy is back from the Vatican and still 100% dedicated to annulling his marriage. Also: Nostro is not dead, thank goodness. #bestshowever

 

WTF #5: Meet the Medicis!

Finally we learn where Cathy got her warm-and-fuzzy bedside demeanour. Unsure if this is her mother, or just a fancy Downton-style auntie or what, but suddenly Cathy looks like Snow White compared to these two.

Theory: these two aren’t real people, but a Fight Club-esque manifestation of Cathy’s dark side. OK, it’s not like Cathy’s not totally in touch with her dark side, but why didn’t even the King seem to notice these two floating around in their Dementor-like outfits?

 

Still, these two brought back her chair! Shades of Victoria Grayson and her favorite chair.

And the bright side is even if Renaissance Lydia shows up, a red wine spill won’t ruin this upholstery. Nor will blood spatter. </spoiler>

 

And now apparently Cathy’s allowed to take field trips outside, which she does in order to show off her new fur-lined cape and threaten the palace daycare worker that’s been secretly caring for Pagan Baby.

Loving this brocade number on her, and the black leather gloves add a level of creepy Pretty Little Liars menace. Like, has a non-evil character on any show ever worn black leather gloves?

 

We also meet Queen C’s ex-lover, who is pretending to be on Team Henry and helping Kenna “remember” when she “saw” Cathy getting it on with Nostro. Oh, Kenna. Bless.

 

“Like, I think? Sure? Can we be dating again now?”

Not a WTF moment necessarily, but when she was like “Also Queen Cathy tried to poison me once!” the King literally replied “No one cares, Kenna.” It’s like the writers read this site.

 

WTF #4: Decapitation in the Throne Room!

In Henry’s absence, we’ve been focusing on the whole Queen vs Queen thing. But now he’s back from his vacay and eager to remind everyone who’s in charge. It’s this BAMF, in the pleather pants:

Like, is he going to a Megadeath concert? Right after he kills this one guy?

 

Exhibit A: mostly-decapitated, totally dead guard at left.

 

Exhibit B: Horrified, blood-splattered Queen:

 

Exhibit C: Slightly more zen, younger Queen. She’s all, “Ugh, my father-in-law-to-be can be so childish.” Our weekly dose of Mary WTF costuming comes in the form of this 1960s-ish crochet top, apparently borrowed from the closet of Ms. Megan Draper. Of course, Mary Renaissances it up with her usual maxi skirt glamour, whereas Megan would obvz wear cut it just below the butt.

Meanwhile, Bash is showing off his new Robin Hood chic look.

 

And we couldn’t not mention Mary’s other major look this week — her take on a grunge layers. Not sure why they added a salmon peasant top under what would ordinarily be a standard-issue Mary Q of S bedazzled sleeveless dress. And Bash is also going with layers. I think I can count…four different tops?

These two are definitely growing on us with their marriage-of-convenience love story, but you know shizz is going to get real once Francis returns…ideally with Olivia, with whom he’s been secretly living in the castle walls? #calledit

 

WTF #3: Clarissa, Revealed

Sit back and let Nostro tell us a tale. A tale about a family where every generation has a gigantic portwine birthmark on their face, about his Renaissance plastic surgeon father’s weird American Horror Story-style attempts to fix the baby’s face, and how somehow letting the girl grow up in the secret corridors of the French Royal family’s castle was the best option.

Nostro doesn’t seem to remember the last time we saw him, he was being totally shanked in the dungeon. Let’s assume he had a premonition of that happening, and wore a shank-proof collar so as to avoid injury. Or the writers forgot about it. Or something.

 

So! Anyway! When Cathy hears this story, she gets uncharacteristically teary-eyed. And we soon learn why: the baby with the birthmark was Cathy’s SECRET LOVECHILD! The child’s father is the guy we saw earlier interrogating Kenna! And that child is CLARISSA!

CLARISSA IS CATHY’S SECRET DAUGHTER Y’ALL! Not to get all braggy, but we totally called the Cathy-Clarissa connection two weeks ago.

Sidenote: how long until the L-I-W give her a total makeover? “But Clarissa…you’re beautiful!”

 

WTF #2: Even a Queen Needs Some Me-Time

Despite being sort-of in prison and maybe about to be killed, Cathy’s still able to wander freely around the castle and do things like give herself a spa night.

Um… shouldn’t she have at least one lady-in-waiting to help out? Why does Mary get three minions and Cathy has zero? And don’t tell me it’s because she’s been sort-of arrested; even before that all happend, C was always changing her own dresses and putting on her own face masks.

 

Like, Mary’s got a roomful of attendance to prepare her bathtub (not her usual minions, let’s assume Greer’s off macking on Leith, Lola’s studying textbooks about world domination, and Kenna’s twirling her hair and gazing vacantly):

 

Meanwhile, #SadCathy is sad. She’s let down her creepy Addams Family relatives by not being able to seduce Henry back, which means she now must commit seppuku. Gurl! Look at your life, look at your choices.

Also: look at your hair. Step it up.

 

OK, phew. At least she’s going down in style.

That necklace, tho.

 

So we’ve got one Queen naked and alone in the bath (all the attendants left once the tub was ready) and another Queen all dolled up with crazier eyes than usual. What could all this mean but…

WTF #1: MURDER BUBBLE BATH!

OH MY DRAMZ. Cathy may be going down, but you know she’s taking Mary with her. She waltzes right into Mary’s bathroom (at this point the WTF level is so high the show doesn’t even bother explaining why Mary’s frequent attempted murderer is allowed in here unescorted) and pulls a knife on Mary, right in her hot tub.

 

But we all know blades are Henry’s weapon on choice, not Cathy’s. And true to form, she’s administered a slow-acting poison on herself, and brought along a POISON BATH BOMB to finish off the Scottish Queen.

Do you think the bubbles are part of the poison, or did she just add them for effect?

 

Things end dramatically with Mary slipping under the water (just like in the OPENING CREDITS!!) and Cathy losing consciousness on the floor. But then CLARISSA TO THE RESCUE! She saves her girl crush from drowning in the poison bubbles, and then smacks Cathy back to life. But will Cathy accept her long-lost secret feral daughter? Will Mary choose one brother for keeps? Or will this week’s events be brushed aside like when Mary forked the guy to death and we’ll all forget about it by the next episode? Either way, apparently Mary’s mother will be coming to town soon which means things are going to get EVEN MORE CRAZYPANTS. Feb 27 cannot come soon enough!!