YOU. GUYS. If your average episode of Reign has a WTF-ery index of, say, 7 out of 10, this week’s installment gets, like, 17 out of 10. I know that doesn’t make sense BUT NEITHER DOES THIS SHOW and is it ever glorious. So, in the wake of last week’s bizarre political plotline, Bash is now acting as regent while his father is off to the Vatican to get the Pope to legitimize Bash. Queen Cathy is locked up because obvz she can’t be trusted, and current non-Prince Francis has wandered off just in time for Mary and Bash to help shade in that side of the luurrve triangle.
WTF #5: The People’s Court
So, in the absence of King Pervy, Bash is on-call as Regent. Apparently this means listening to his subjects’ inane complaints, a la Judge Wapner.
That being said, throwing a dude who was never raised to be King into this position is a very juicy plotline with lots of opportunity for drama. Still, he could at least pretend to care.
WTF #4: Mary and Bash’s Excellent Adventure
You know how just before the hiatus, Mary and Bash headed off for a road trip but then they were caught two seconds into the next episode so we never got to see what they’re like together? This week is like the missing episode showing what all would’ve gone down.
Answer: lots of smoldery looks, witty repartee, soul-baring, and of course a visit by the Pagan version of Burning Man. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
Remember Queen Cathy was left behind in the dungeon? Without the King, Regent or Mary around, who’s there to keep an eye on her?
WTF #3: Ladies in Guarding
Why not put three teenage girls in charge of Catherine de Medici’s imprisonment? It’s not like they’re outclassed at all, right?
First, though, snaps for Mary’s “Queen of Superheroes/Wrestlers” belt here. Clearly she’s in charge now.
And behold, her back-up glam squad. You know Queen C took one look at this team and began sharpening her talons for throwing down some epic shade.
Now, while the Queen called out each lady with a ferocity that would have totally won her that challenge on RuPaul’s Drag Race, we have a few fashion comments she failed to bring up. Namely: where did Greer get that dress, Prom Night 1956? And is Kenna now a Lonely Goatherd?
In other news: Lola can THROW. DOWN. Keep your eye on this bitch, she’s got a few more tricks up her (incongrously sheer lace) sleeve.
WTF #2: Catherine’s Dungeon Bordello
Or: Nobody puts Cathy in a corner. Or: Run The World (Girls), Renaissance Style.
I mean, EVEN HER TARTS MATCH THE DRAPES! And what is with this red disco ball crown?
WTF #1: Mary, Queen of Midwives
“We have to sneak Bash’s nine months pregz secret pagan cousin out of the castle.”
And then the show turns into Call The Midwife, Mary, Queen of Scots as CONVENIENTLY, Isobel has the same exact complications Mary happens to know all about from her time at the convent.
Tossing aside the fact that the queen of an entire country snuck out of the castle to help a rando give birth in the woods, is there nothing Mary can’t do? Besides pick a boyfriend?
BONUS WTF: Pagan Burning Man Dance Circle Of Doom
I mean, what is there to say? Mary’s in the midst of totally saving the day, midwife style, when their tent is surrounded by sexy pagans chanting and… killing… a horse?
And then… I think… flinging the horse guts at the tent? Is this like some sort of blessing? This baby will either be The Stallion Who Mounts The World (tm Game of Thrones) or the devil itself. It can really go either way.
That being said, WHERE WAS CLARISSA??? You know she could have helped out someone this week. Although it was nice Mary mentioned the chalk markings in the secret hallways, left by our fav feral ghost a few weeks ago, around the same time she totally murdered Olivia but everyone forgot about that. Hopefully Clarissa will be back again next week, along with totally stabbed Nostro and, I suppose, that Francis guy as well.