Fresh off of hiatus, Reign returns with more backroom dealings and less swoony embraces than we prefer, but real talk: the dresses are back to Pilot-era WTF-ery and Clarissa showed up, so that gives this episode a solid B+. 

 

This week’s episode began with a splash. Like, literally:

WHHHEEEEEEE! NO ONE WILL FIND US!

… except, you don’t have any belongings or money with you, your velvet and leather outfits will make you sink to the bottom of the ocean and you left your horses at the top of the cliff. Amazingly, this is only Mary’s second-weirdest decision of the week.

 

WTF #5: Chainmail Crop Tops and Victoria’s Secret Corsets

We missed you, show. Apparently the wardrobe deptartment heard our laments that Mary’s recent outfits were a bit too safe, so they served up this Urban Outfitters sale rack glamour. And then the underwear on the right… I mean…

Remember in our first Reign fashion post our resident fashion history expert Anne Forman noted that corsets of this time period were made of wood or whale boning and weren’t sexy or decorative? Glad to see the show’s treating the undergarments with the same mania they approach the dresses.

And is it us, or does her sideswept ‘do on the right give you a sort of Aria-on-PLL vibe?

 

WTF #4: Queen Cathy’s Walk of Shame/Mary’s Insane Plan

So… lemme get this straight. King Pervy is so desperate to ally with Mary that he’ll seek an annulment for his 100% legitimate marriage to literally the craziest HBIC in the Renaissance, kicking said crazy HBIC to the curb? At least Queen C manages her walk of shame with dignity (and a pretty epic fur collar).

That’s also maybe the crown-iest and least handband-y crown thus far seen on the show. BTW — the jewels go nicely with your russet hair, Cathy.

And also, how tall is Nostro? Like 10’10”?

… and is he wearing Crocs?

 

The L-I-W are there to witness this dramatic exit, wearing their red carpet finest.

Ugh, why did this show spend so much time with political machinations and less time with these ladies and their AMAZING OUTFITS?? Kenna: werking her trademark Nicole Richie headpiece glam. Greer: continues to make us suspect she’s an ancestor of Cruelle DeVill with her odd fur and feather accoutrements. Lola: Got lost on her way to the Downton Abbey set. Mary: serving up puff sleeve realness.

 

WTF #3: WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEE?

While her fashion is epic, Lady Kenna needs to SIT DOWN. Mary’s plan (bizarro it may be) helps ally France and Scotland, save Bash’s life and possibly also saves Francis’ life.

But all Kenna hears is, “Diane will be back to court.” Which means her on/off lovah will maybe have less time for the understudy slampiece who totally dumped him last week.

And is she seriously wearing a STUDDED DENIM CROP VEST WITH SHEER SLEEVES? We can only hope this portends the wardrobe dept will continue dressing her like an 80s hair metal groupie. Can fishnets be far behind?

 

WTF #2: Clarissa’s Secret Shank

As much as Clarissa is clearly the best part of every episode (#FACT) we weren’t sure what the deal was with her secret doll/shank. Did all Renaissance dolls have stakes inside of them, or just this one? Did she have it with her the whole time, or did someone bring it to her?

And most importantly, if Nostro can see the future, why didn’t he know Clarissa was going to get all Orange Is The New Black on him after spending like, an afternoon in the dungeon?

 

Anyway, THEORY TIME:

Calling it first here: Clarissa has got to be the SECRET DAUGHTER of Queen Cathy and Nostro. Those two mofos are so codependant, it makes sense that they maybe have a lovechild hidden away in the castle walls, amirite?

Lastly…. 

 

WTF #1: Won’t Someone Think of the Children?

Mary’s plan had one major loophole nobody seemed to think of. Instead of disinheriting his like seven chidlren with Catherine and legitimizing Bash as his heir, why couldn’t Mary marry (lol) one of these kids, and thus preserve the line of succession? Rulers did crazy things like this all the time. Trust us, we binge-watched the entirety of The Tudors during the hiatus which makes us experts on Ye Olden Times.

But of course the CW wouldn’t go that route. Because then we wouldn’t have a show about sexy monarch teens.

So bring on the new complication to this Renaissance take on The Vampire Diaries “torn between two hot brothers” love triangle. Hopefully Bash’s hot druid friends can show up to their wedding (we miss those guys).