YOU GUYS. Can you believe that this is the last taste of Hamps-style WTF-ery until MARCH? (!!!) With Emily still holed up in Grayson Manor, Understudy Revenger Nolan takes charge. Check it: he helps pry the true story of Patrick’s conception from Queen V as well as nearly tricks Niko into heading to Moscow to find her father’s killer… only for Aiden’s sword hoarding tendencies to ruin that particular plan. Still, Nolan’s clearly getting good at this. Meanwhile, our main Revenge (!!!) goddess, Ems, is going a bit rogue, with blackouts affecting her judgment. But she does manage to break out the proverbial Red Sharpie on our little Cupcake, thereby taking Daniel down yet another peg. God, this show is good.

 

Not-so Immaculate Conception

Nolan looks resplendant in this chocolate biker jacket, perf attire to drop a little truth bomb on Patrick about the birth father that he never knew.

There must be a chill in the air in Montauk.

 

Unfortch, this leads Victoria into telling Patrick the whole sad, scary rape story over a cup of tea. I think this is the only time I have ever felt badly for the Queen.

… and so Nolan’s plan to drive a wedge between Patrick and Mommy Dearest backfires, bringing them closer together. Aww. (?)

 

Envie de Margaux de la Semaine

Jack, Margaux and Carl make a sweet little family don’t they? In the most superfluous storyline of the week, Voulez his newsstands with a slanderous article rewritten by Conrad. At least Margaux looks super ferosh as the shizz hits the fan.

What a gorgeous little Valentino shift dress. Love her.

 

Confronted by Connie in the boardroom, Margs brings it again with a Dynasty inspired puff-sleeved fuchsia dress.

I love that she doesn’t even hesitate to drop Danny-boy on his ass after Conrad threatens to sue. And what is Daniel wearing? Double-breasted, blue pinstripe? Stop raiding your father’s closet — he’s out to get you.

 

But all’s well that ends well for our Parisian princess when she returns home to Jack and Carl in this gorgeous cream French Connection bandage dress.

This was my fav Margaux look of the ep. Queen V wishes she could werk a bandage this fiercely. Jack clearly can’t resist her charms, and the L-bombs fly! End result: Jack and Margaux are going to live together. Boom.

 

Making Big Ben Chime

Things aren’t going so well with our Revenging Roomies 2.0. Nolan’s fed up with Niko and Aiden doing the nasty 24/7.

Seriously, didn’t he break up with Emily like 0.001 seconds ago?

 

Nolan isn’t the most tactful when breaking the news to the newest Mrs. Grayson, though he looks good doing it. I have to say, I am loving the white blazer, black hoodie, tangerine trousers combo. Perfect Nolan attire. Ems, not so much. 

Though I’m glad to see her in something form-fitting again, a) the pattern on this Lela Rose dress is distracting and b) the hair is a little too Stepford Wives for me. 

 

Nolan is about to kick the dynamic duo to the curb when he finds Niko in his kitchen, practicing removing skin from flesh. That’s not terrifying at all.

I feel like I could like Niko’s sweater, but I can never get a full view of it. It’s probably just as well. I have a feeling that I shouldn’t get too attached…

 

… Especially since Aiden and Nolan are sending her on a wild goose chase to find Takeda’s killer. He’s standing right in front of you, Niko! 

Clearly Revenge Academy provides at least a dozen to-die-for leather jackets. Well played. And now that she’s found her father’s sword under Aiden’s bed, I’m pretty sure things are going to get weird(er).

 

At least Nolan knows how to celebrate an exit in style. I wish I could make out the print on his shirt (I imagine it’s sailboats), but I’m loving this return to popped collar (with coral pants!). And the swept-up ‘do? I die.

Though the celebration may have been a bit hasty.

 

Cauterizing, Blackouts and Guilt-Trips, Oh My!

Our main lady starts her day with blood in her bed and a request to cauterize her wounds with a flaming hot fire poker.

This bitch is whack. Loves it.

 

Emily also remains the reigning champ of creating awkward moments, parading her shrink (coincidenally, also Victoria’s therapist) through the manor. Queen V is stunning in royal blue, but do we expect any less of her?

I’m SO GLAD that Emily’s curls are back, and you know I love a flowy Diane von Furstenberg top. Also, I need that silver cuff on her arm. Need. It.

 

In fact, I would have loved to see her hurl it in Daniel’s general direction when she walked in on him and Cupcake in flagrante.

If nothing else, we know that Daniel’s always only good for gratuitous shirtlessness.

 

And girl, please. Sara thinks she can just lounge around the pool in an adorable bikini, ordering the household staff to fetch her Cristal?

Have you met Emily Thorne? 

 

Even Queen V knows taunting Emily is a bad idea. Here she’s modelling yet another gorge jewel-toned mini, but again, I’m staring at the cuff on her arm. The bracelet budget on this show is out of control. I love it.

“You’re poking the bear, Daniel.” Seriously.

 

And then PLOT TWIST!!! Emily blacks out mid-swim, landing in Nolan’s pad, face-to-face with Aiden.

She’s not sure how she got there (and neither am I), but she managed to slip into a cool and casual little black dress, with a sheer panel. How do you manage to put yourself together so beautifully while blacked out? Gurl’s got skills.

 

And Cupcake has managed to pull herself together to greet her master in a flowy cerulean number with tie straps.

I had a dress that looked like this once, and I simply adored it. I love this on her too, especially with the messy side pony. A surprise A+ from me, Cupcake Sara.

 

Too bad you have your very own Mommy Dearest to drop a major guilt trip on you when she confronts you and Daniel pre-Roman Holiday. I don’t mind that dress, but feel like she could use a bra, just to make it hang better, y’know?

But, my god, look at Emily in the background. If that isn’t a Revenge (!!!) glare, I don’t know what is. Though her hair gives me the major sads, I am dying for that red keyhole Trouve Trouvé blouse.

 

Not so much for this flowy sleepwear, though the steely bue seems a perfect metaphor for her faux marriage.

And with Daniel having now lost everything that means anything to him, he throws Emily to the bed in a fit of rage, and she has another blackout…

 

Only to wake up wearing a man’s pajamas (or perhaps an item from the vast collection over on the New Girl set?)

Oh, God, they’re Conrad’s! Nonononono. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth.

 

WHAT THE WHAT???

We cap off our hour of mayhem with the original Mrs. Grayson waltzing into our lives in an absolutely beautiful flowered trench.

I’m looking forward to the amazing fashionz to come from this lady.

 

 

 

Wow, so that’s all for now, kids. Lots happened, and it looks like we’ve got loads more to come in March. Do we seriously have to wait that long?