OK, so this week’s ep was bananacakes, even by this show’s standards. Characters switched allegiances quicker than Harry Styles switches girlfriends. Check it: Victoria places Emily into her Convalescent Home For People She Hates (previous tenant: Lydia), where Emily’s personal nurse is Nico, who is both Takeda’s daughter and Aiden’s ex-lover. Nico punches Emily in the gut to motivate her to be more Revenge-y (?) but when she learns Emily and Aiden are in love, Nico turns against Emily (?) if she ever was really helping her (?). Meanwhilesvilles, Nolan and Patrick are on-again but secretly playing each other and then Patrick steals the INFINITY BOX which the Mama’s Boy gives his evil mother. And then Emily calls a press conference naming Lydia as her shooter. All of this in ONE EPISODE. Like, this would be a season’s worth of plot for most other shows.

 

Baby’s First Plotline

Carl was brought out of cold storage/his grandparents’ attic/wherever to pull off his first scheme. First, a d’awww for this moment between Ems, Baby C, and My Little Denim Button-down:

Hand-me-down from Declan?

So, this scene exists for two reasons: 1) to make it sadder whem Emily learns she can never have children and 2) so Carl can hand-off the DOGGIE-TALKIE.

 

What’s that you say? “Baby Carl’s just playing with a stuffed version of Dead Sammy Dog. Nothing nefarious going on here.”

 

BUT AU CONTRAIRE!

And just like that, Baby Carl has officially contributed more to the overall plot than his Dead Uncle Declan ever did. Because inside the stuffed Sammy is a walkie-talkie that allows Emily and Nolan to secretly scheme, even while holed up in the Grayson Manor For Evil People We Hate.

 

Yeah, she may have a brain injury, a gut wound, and have lost her ability to bear children, but gurl’s still bringing her A++ Revenge(!!!) game.

But not so much her hair game. Where are those pre-Raphaelite curls that bounce with evil secrets?

 

Her fashion game is not faring much better. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume her gut wound necessitates something you can slip on easily, and that means she can’t wear any sort of cinched waist. Still: is this tent-like sundress the best she could do?

Or perhaps this is the only dress Queen V left her to wear?

 

Your Weekly Nolan

What’s red and white and dandy all over?

<3

You know how people on TV always wear insane cracked-out ensembles, but nobody else mentions it on the show? Snaps to the Revenge(!!!) writers for letting Emily call Nolan out for this OTT faux-candystriper look. Nolan’s one bowtie away from joining a barbershop quartet.

 

So Nolan and Patrick were fun for the five seconds they were a slightly functional relationship, but even better now that they totally hatesex each other. Loving this double-blind faux-drunk scenario. “I’m so totally drunk!” “Ha ha, not as drunk as me!” “Look at us, two drunk dudes without any hidden agendas whatsoever!”

Dying over Nolan’s kelly green skinnies/floral-print situation. This is why we keep you on the show, baby.

 

This is also how you know things aren’t going to work out with Patrick — boyfriend is wearing a v-neck with a blazer.

Just. No.

 

Also, Charlotte and Margaux were there

Charlotte doesn’t let her entire lack of purpose stop her from stomping out at least one flaw-free look per week. This time it’s a casually sexy quasi-zebra print maxi.

Work dem bangs, gurl.

 

Margaux veers between Twee Parisian Zooey Deschanel and French New Wave. This week was the latter, with this crashing wave of bangs.

London calling: you’re fabulous.

 

La Femme Nico-da

Seriously, what is up with this girl? First she’s Emily’s shifty homicidal nurse, then it turns out she’s working with Aiden, then we learn she’s IN LOVE with Aiden, and now she’s also Takeda’s daughter?

I’m pretty sure this lady was cast due to her ability to make everything she does look super sketchy. Like, here she is nursing, evilly, in the latest from the Grey’s Anatomy collection:

 

And here she is, liaising evilly with Aiden, in a pretty boss leather bomber jacket.

I’m pretty sure she only got with Aiden because he was afraid she’d kill him if he didn’t. Like, she hasn’t been around for a year and just assumes Aiden’s been pining for her wildly inconstant accent and ninja skillz?

 

At least she brings some flair to the proceedings. I’m pretty sure this is the first full-length jumpsuit we’ve seen on the show.

I guess this sort of one-piece action is practical for getting into unexpected swordfights, etc. Am I the only one who totally forgot Aiden was responsible for killing Takeda last season? I think I have Plot Contrivance amnesia where I remember everything about this show, but not anything from last season.

 

Throne 2.0

Who else but Queen V would visit her recovering amnesiac/gunshot victim daughter-in-law in a shrink-wrapped red bodycon?

At least the kicky flared hem is a change from the usual pencil skirt.

 

She sticks with the poison-apple red theme later with this sexy evil secretary blouse…

… and skintight pencil skirt. What are you, new?

 

I don’t think I was alone in sitting in slack-jawed horror when Patrick a) stole the Infinity Box, b) gave it to Queen V and c) Queen V OPENED IT AND READ EVERYTHING.

#GAMECHANGER

(Note: the show really missed an opportunity having the box light up from within when she opened it, a la Pulp Fiction.)

 

So it seemed for the first time (ever?) that Victoria truly had the upper hand over Emily. She also has a way better, and way less tacky throne. Victory looks good on you, gurl.

But I should know not to doubt this show. In true Ocean’s 11 style, we got to see behind-the-scenes how #TeamNemily pulled a fast one, even while trapped in Grayson Manor. With the help of the Doggie-Talkie, Emily and Nolan were able to remove all the parts of the Infinity Box EXCEPT the ones that made Emily look like a gold-digging con artist, not a Secret Revenging Ninja.

 

So our girl’s back! Back to revenging AND back in dresses with fitted waists.

Hopefully next week she’ll get a curl back in her ‘do.