So this week found Emily’s three minions pondering how to explain to Amnesiac Ems who she really is. “Well, you’re really Amanda Clarke, but everybody thinks you’re Emily Thorne, and you married Daniel but just to fake your own death and…” As Jack noted, it’s kinda complicated to explain. So barring that, the three dudes set out to free their girl from the hospital and figure out who tried to take her out. The suspects are obviously the all of the Graysons, with Victoria having the weakest alibi (being as she was unconscious from chloroform at the time). Anyway, ultimately the Graysons close ranks and decide to frame Lydia in order to save Daniel from his.. what is this, third? murder rap. And obvz this episode will go down in infamy as THE TIME LYDIA RUINED QUEEN V’S TACKY THRONE!!

 

The Nine Lives of Emily Thorne

Were you eagerly waiting over the hiatus to see how Emily was going to emerge alive from being shot point-blank in the gut and then falling overboard into the ocean? Surprise! Magic powers!

Seriously, I have no idea. Was her corset lined with bulletproof panels? How did she remain conscious, not bleed out into the ocean, and SWIM TO THIS FREAKING BOAT? Whatevs. She makes for a gorgeous quasi-corpse.

With her personality and vendetta both MIA, who can we turn to this week for ferosh fashion moments and icy-cold revenging? Oh, just a little someone we like to call…

 

Nolan Ross, Understudy Revenger

So first, when Nolan thought Ems had skeedaddled out of town with her British ninja beau, he had a quiet moment of celebration with a glass of white wine and this faboosh polka-dot robe:

This look is not too far removed from how YKYLF staff look when we ponder the latest soapy actions of the Hamps crew, except the wine glass is a bit too small.

 

But once Nolan learns his best lady friend was TOTES SHOT FOR REAL, he dons a subtle black-on-black polka-dot button-down, bomber jacket, and his fiercest #bluesteel look to smoulder his way into the hospital.

Yeah, the single unpopped collar isn’t really working for me, but I guess his mind was on other things besides assembling the perfect dandy look.

 

Later on, Nolan pulled off his best Emily Thorne-style #IWILLDESTROYYOU hissyfit as he kicked Patrick’s momma’s-boy abs to the curb… while unleashing this unbuttoned look, which is basically the hottest Nolan has ever looked.

See, if he’d worn that polka-dot number buttoned down like that, all the doctors and nurses (and Patrick) would have been throwing off their clothes to do his bidding. What can I say? Revenging becomes him.

 

And yet… when he’s left on his own again, Nolan gets his own Sad Emily moment:

 

Weave Gank 2014

Who knew that this early in the new year we’d have our first true catfight of the season? Lyds and Queen V throw down, not because the former stole the latter’s husband, but because Lydia laid claim to something even more important.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

 

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

Hold onto your weaves because GIRLFRIEND WENT THERE. Lydia went there with the ferocity of a 90s boyband member to Dancing With the Stars; with the red-hot passion of the New Girl costume department to a pajama set sale; with the reckless abandon of Lena Dunham at a nude beach. Girlfriend WENT THERE is what I’m saying.

 

As such, observe below as Conrad backing away slowly because SHIT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN. Before we get into it, a moment of respect for Lydia’s dress which is both a) totes ferosh and b) extremely applicable for Wine Toss ’14. Almost like she was rehearsing this move on her own dress before Queen V arrived.

 

So, observing this heresy to her (frankly, extremely ugly) “throne,” Victoria was like OH HELL NO!

Ladies? That’s not really great form. Neither lady paused to remove their earrings, so the fact neither went for the easy yank shows how out of practice they really are.

 

Oh and FYI, while Lydia was werking the wine-stomping glamour in that red number, Queen V was channeling her inner Amazonian Princess with this snakeskin (!) bodycon and epic statement bracelet:

You seriously do not want to get into a catfight with the woman wearing this cuff.

 

Lydia may have won the battle of the throne, but Queen V won the war when she convinced Conrad to double-cross Lydia, tricking her into fleeing town to help with their plan to frame her for the shooting. Lyds kept true to form, sashaying out of the South Fork Inn (what is she, not good enough for the Secret Grayson Sexpartment?) in this uber-glam b&w number:

Love her use of the South Fork employee as her personal valet. Carrying ones own luggage is so gauche, no?

 

Bonus WTF-ery

1) Queen V’s new Reign-esque sleepwear.

Like, I know her relaysh with Patrick is 90% creepy incestuousity, but is this really what you should wear for having personal moments with your adult son? Even an adult son who looks like Patrick?

 

2) Margaux’s boob-eye dress.

Looks cute from the back with its kicky, retro style and offbeat pattern, right?

… and yet.

 

3) Dr. Nico

She’s trying to poison Emily! No, she’s trying to save Emily! No, she’s Aiden’s girlfriend! All I know for sure is our new ninja friend has brought some much-needed urban style to this show with her fitted sweater, skinny jeans and crossbody bag. She better not have anything to do with The Initiative, though. I’m getting PTSD flashbacks of Padma and The Falcon.

 

Well, friends, this was quite the hour of soaptastic amazingness. Emily feigning Amnesia Of Convenience should lead to some interesting developments, as will Patrick and Queen V teaming up to destroy her, Nolan and Jack kicking ass and taking names in their quest to protect Ems, and of course I can’t wait to watch Lydia werk some prison fashionz. You don’t think she’ll run into Mason Treadwell, do you? Because a scene with those two queens would be worth the price of admission.