This week on DUDE, WHERE’S MY SHARPIE(???): So, to the surprise of 0% of the viewing audience, Emily is Totally Not Dead. But in a delightful twist, she is a Total Amnesiac. At first we think maybe she’s playing around in some new scheme, but after a) publically identifying her father as David Clarke, b) having no idea what her infinity tattoo means and c) totally freaking out when Aiden secret ninjas his way into hospital room, it becomes clear that she has a genuine cast of Plot Contrivance Amnesia. And as we catch glimpses at the Emily who might have been if her father hadn’t [insert premise of show] the Graysons are all hilariously running around assuming one another are the culprit. Anyway, Daniel finally comes clean to Queen V about his guilt, and they decide to frame Lydia for the murder, with Conrad’s blessing. In other news, the man-love between Nolan and Patrick is in an off-again phase after they both come clean about their secret scheming. Oh and Cupcake is also Totally Not Dead but nobody really cares at this point, primarily the viewing audience.


EmilyJack and Aiden and Nolan’s Target
With their Queen Bee out of commission, Emily’s minions all do their best jaw-and-bicep flexing as they do their best (with honorary minion Margaux) to figure who shot their gurl.

Gala of the Week
No time for new parties, as this whole episode was like a bad hangover of last episode’s Red Wedding.

Best Dressed
With Emily again out of contention for this award, spending the episode in hospital scrubs, Lydia takes the crown with the red bodycon she wore to usurp Victoria’s literal throne. Apparently, the hideous chair is just as uncomfortable as it looks.

Most Soapy Moment:


Check back on Wednesday as Ann gives our our full treatment of the show everybody recorded while actually watching Downton Abbey’s premiere. Assuming we’ll all be caught up by then?