Most brides feel some pressure the night before their wedding, but I think Emily Thorne can trump any of those stories.“Oh, your make-up artist had to cancel? Well, a woman I thought was dead sauntered back into my life and she knows my real identity.” You can’t compete with that, y’know? With the pregnancy ploy out in the open, Daniel and the Cake Lady are official split, and Victoria inches one step closer to leaping from her Plotting Balcony. Charlotte’s only useful bit this week was bringing a mani-pedi team to Emily’s. Jack and Margaux get a little closer and he tells her why Conrad is the Big Bad; she says she’ll lay off the story but I doubt that. Nolan unfortunately doesn’t have much screen time but when it happens he looks AMAZING. But all of this pales in comparison to Lydia “GORGE-A-TRON 5000” Davis coming back to town. You can’t keep a good woman down!


I wish I had at least one feeling for Daniel because these wedding photos are stunning. Well, would be stunning. Like I said, I have no feelings for him good or bad, so they’re lost on me. He’s like set decoration at this point. A potted fern. However, Emily’s fairy tale feather dress is astounding. Although playing about on a rose covered swing? Screams a little “NOTICE ME! LOVE ME!” don’t you think? 

 

While the lovebirds are having their dead faces photographed, Conrad and Victoria are tripping down memory lane at the Manse. It seems Connie needs a little reminder to spark some writing inspiration for the oft mentioned memoirs. Tell me this Conrad — who’s going to buy these memoirs? I mean, your life outside of being a world-class Bond villain is pretty boring. Montauk home? Pretty, prim and proper wife? Cute kids who have “made their own mistakes”? I’d sooner read a text book on Maritime Law than a chapter on your false diagnosis with Huntington’s. 

At least Victoria isn’t letting the stress of the wedding keep her out of gorgeous con dresses – even if the neck detailing is a little more (forgive me) Victorian than I care for.  

 

And look, I know her name is Sara but the Cake Lady should have been named Jane. ‘Cause that girl is PLAIN. Of course, it’s hard to stand out next to an Emily Thorne (or even Charlotte these days), so we can’t be too hard on her. In fact, it’s actually a masterstroke of costuming. 

Poor girl is so tragic — first Daniel almost kills her in a car wreck, then he falls back in love 2 or 3 weeks before getting married and now he thinks the bride is pregnant. Sorry Sara, it ain’t goin’ down this time. Or ever. 

 

Can someone create, then hand the award for CUTEST ROOMIES to Aiden and Nolan? Can you even handle those board shorts right now? Wee sailboats on navy shorts seamlessly paried with a white zip sweater? And Aiden continues to do his tanktop look when he’s out of beautifully tailored suits. He’s clearly up to something without Emily’s knowledge and needs Nolan’s help. 

Personally, I think there’s a missed opportunity for a charming web series about them living together. Aiden doing karate training or something in the backyard while Nolan mixes cocktails in adorable outfits. You can make my royalty check as creator of this show c/o YKYLF.

 

Margaux, your European styling is shaking up Montauk. The bold colours and enormous necklaces have been a totally welcome change of pace. Plus, can you think of any of the other gals sporting a pixie cut? Hell no. 

I love that she’s shacked up with Jack, the rough and tumble local boy. It’s so French to date the help. 

 

Speaking of “the help”, look who’s back in our lives, darlings – Lydia ‘effing Davis. Now, she had so many great looks this episode so I paired these two since they weren’t my favs. Although the yellow is eye catching, I think that colour is only flattering on a legit sunflower. The jeans/jacket combo is perfect for transporting oneself to their new hideout, though.

Sidenote: how awesome is it that Lyds was slinging drinks at a bar in Ecuador while she was hiding out? Never underestimate this woman. 

 

Now this entrance was a fine and memorable one. Lydia throwing Victoria’s clothes from the Plotting Balcony while standing there unzipped in a gorgeous emerald dress. That look on her face? Oh, she knows what’s up and this lady ain’t afraid to throw down.

I love when crazy is this beautiful. 

 

But this, my friends, was the best Lydia entrance hands down. She calls Conrad to the hotel room pretending to be TIME magazine because she knows how vain the man can be. Instead of the worst reporter ever, Conrad finds this vision in pink just casually hanging out and looking drop dead. 

Take note, every living thing on the planet – when you want to make an entrance, you do it the Lydia Davis way.  

 

After finding Lydia at The Manse, Emily has a bit of a panic. After all, Lydia knows who Emily really is. I love the blue column dress she’s wearing but is she pulling the stylish maternity look to convince Daniel and the Graysons, or is there something else at play here? 

Usually you can count on Emily for a sexy pants/jacket look or a busty, slim fit dress. Aiden’s back to his Revenging clothes while Nolan is basically the richest frat boy from 2004. Seriously darling, those shorts? Make them shorter or burn them.  

 

Seeing her BFF back from the dead, Victoria begins 24/7 residence on the Plotting Balcony, where Charlotte swoops in for a moment to condemn the meddling they’ve been doing. Thanks for the reality check but you’re like… 18? 20? Queen V changes for no one. 

And to think, Char was just getting interesting. Even if she’ll never get on her mother’s wardrobe level. 

 

Meanwhile in everyone’s least fav plotline, we’re reminded that Bland and Blander were meant for each other because, look at their clothes. Matchy matchy! The only thing I remember from this scene is Sara handing the teardrop necklace back to Daniel, leaving, and me holding my TV wine saying, “Don’t ‘Titanic’ the necklace. Don’t ‘Titanic’ the necklace”. Which Daniel did, of course. 

Predictable. Just like his choice in sweaters. 

 

Y’all know I love a good cable knit and dislike yellow, but Nolan Ross knows how to pair them so I’m instantly overwhelmed with fashion. The sweater on its own would not have been a cute look, but that striped cream blazer over top is exactly what he needs to dull that colour. The camel pant was a good help, as well.

If we’ve learned nothing about Revenge from this show, I hope you’ve all taken away some from the Nolan Ross Way (i.e. ferocity). 

 

POLKA DOT PANTS. Need I say more? The man is fearless and that’s why it works! Oh, and I see the collar is backed to its popped glory. One collar means a low threat level which is apropos the night before Emily’s murder wedding.  

Nolan looks great with a drink in his hand. I want to see that at all times from now until this show is banished from airwaves like a guest at Victoria’s Labour Day party. 

 

And where’s our blushing bride-to-be? 

Aww, nothing like a little time at the shooting range before the big day with your secret Revenging boyfriend.  

 

It’s a Revenge warrior’s tradition to sit in a romantically lit room and get wasted while thinking of all the people you ruined the night before the mission comes to a close. Or so I’ve heard. Again, Emily’s wearing a bit of a flowy number which I find interesting.  

I could be reading too much into it, but I honestly think she might be really pregnant. Maybe she’s just that good. I know she’s faking but now I’m buying it? Oh, well played.

 

Of course, the only real way to celebrate an impending marriage is to hook up with said secret boyfriend and have him propose to you. Yes, Aiden and Emily are getting married! That is, if one of them doesn’t die for real at the wedding…

… which is in jeopardy because Victoria has “declined with regret” and she’s pretty much the lynchpin for the whole operation. Whoops. 

 

You know what I want for Christmas? MORE OF THESE EPISODES. Why do I have to wait to see the carnage go down? While I’m getting holiday drunk, I wouldn’t mention Revenge around me, lest you want to hear all of my potential outcomes for the show. And see my growing collection of body con dresses.

Happy Holidays, y’all!!!