So you know how sometimes on teen soaps the kids all get trapped inside the school overnight and it makes them all spill their secrets and bring all the sexual tension? This week’s episode of Reign was basically like that, but with a castle instead of a school and with murder and attempted rape instead of soul-baring conversations. All we have to say: what’s the point of Clarissa, Mary’s guardian angel ghost if she sat back and let this all happen? That said, Queen Cathy had it all covered with her POISON COINS so it all worked out OK in the end.

 

WTF #5: Have fun storming the castle

So, this week we learned it’s not the smartest thing to entertain foreign delegations when the King and entire army are on holiday and the only people in the castle are the kitchen staff and some teen girls.

I know these guys were creeptastic and evil etc. but they were also Neopolitan. Like the ice cream. Which is just… not scary, like at all. Oh noes! Save me from the Neopolitans! I mean, save me some of the Neopolitan!

 

WTF #4: Servant Greer, Frittata Maker

You know how on a normal show, the dude stands behind the lady to teach her how to play pool or whatever? Leith brought his best Gordon Ramsey sex moves to play as he attempted to sexily school Greet in the art of… crepe-making?

Or was it a frittata? I think he said something about eggs, but the way he flipped it was more like a crepe, but the veg involved means frittata and we are clearly thinking about this too much when the point of it is that later on GREER KILLED A GUY WITH HER SECRET NINJA MOVES.

 

Seriously. If Olivia’s the secret van der Woodsen ancestress, I’m thinking Greer’s line winds up in the Hamps with a certain Emily Thorne.

… also, did she borrow this servant dress from The Sound of Music Live? Because I’m pretty sure she did.

 

WTF #3: This dress

Mary was stomping around, totes ferosh and not about to let her temporary digs get taken over, in this off-the-shoulder number. If you’ve got shoulders like this, why not show them off?

Oh right. HISTORICAL ACCURACY. Here, we fixed it for you:

 

WTF #2: Don’t touch me, I’m the king’s understudy mistress!

Kenna is like one step forward, one hundred steps back for feminism. Part of me was like #yes when she stood up to the Evil Ice Cream Men for being such asses, but then I was like #gurlno when she pulled out the Reese Witherspoon card: “Do you know who I am?”

If he knew, he still wouldn’t care, honey. You are the King’s sort-of-kinda-maybe second string slampiece. You saw how these dudes treated his ACTUAL WIFE, you know, the QUEEN, so why’d she think they would be kinder to his piece on the side? “But he burned my name in the grass!” #getoverit

Also this dress:

Is that… a visible brastrap? The incongruity is not just that it’s visible but also that BRAS WEREN’T INVENTED YET. And don’t tell me the show doesn’t know that, because in the same scene, Mary was like, “Oh, my corset is so tight! Excuse me while I escape to freedom.”

Cute belt tho.

 

WTF #1: All the Queen’s Children

Did we know Francis had two cute little bros? We knew about one kid, from when he introduced Mary to Baghead Clarissa, but the other one? Do they only appear when the castle is stormed, in order to ensure we sympathize with the correct side of the battle?

IRL, Queen Cathy had like ten kids or something like that. I want to see them all come out Von Trapp style one week, all in perfect height order with Francis at the top, in the Liesl role.

In other news, the one on the right is giving some pretty epic side-eye. I see a little Joffrey in the making there.

 

BONUS WTF: Fork you

Hahahaha. OK, so the show pulled out the Downton/Mad Men special this week when Francis was like, “They call it a… f-uhork. You’re supposed to use it to eat. Oh, this modern world we live in!”

 

But like the old saying goes, the fork you see in the first act must go off in the third act as Mary saves the day (and her virtue!) by forking this guy like a plate of spaghetti and meatballs:

This castle will be sticking to chocolate from now on, Neopolitan.

 

And remind me why Francis felt it necessary to also cut off the dude’s hand? Did the show’s writers just watch the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones and feel the need to compete?

Still, great to see Mary was the one to save the day, with an assist from Queen Cathy and the POISON COINS OF DOOM. As I always say, when you’re going to fork a dude to death, do it in your best Oscar red carpet number. Dying over this gorge red lace number:

She may be sorta naive sometimes, but at times like this we’re reminded Mary has it in her to be a stone cold Fork Queen. Next thing you know she’ll be going full Khaleesi and turning from Queen of Scots to Queen of Dragons.