It seems like such a short time ago that we were all unsure about this season of Revenge(!!!). But this hour of mayhem and nonstop plot twists proves pretty much conclusively that this show is BACK. Victoria does her best to destroy Emily at the bridal shower, but Emily turns those lemons to spiked lemonade when she gets her fellow Revenge Skool alumn to pose as her fake first gay husband. Daniel’s tempted by Cupcake, who’s busy being cross-manipulated by both Emily and Queen V until she doesn’t know which way is up. Nolan makes space for his new roomie, Aiden, while Aiden occupies himself helping Charlotte bury an extremely boring sexting scandal. Jack’s suddenly all possessive of Emily and worried Aiden’s a bad influence like, dude: have you seen her ninja moves? If anything, she’s a bad influence on all of y’all. But of course the two big mega-sized twists come in the form of 1) Emily’s fake ultrasound and 2) Lydia’s sudden totally-not-deadness. What do you mean there’s NO NEW EPISODE NEXT WEEK??? 

 

He Broke My Spine And Stole My Heart

Remember like five seconds ago when Cupcake was super-pissed at Daniel for, you know, severing her spine and leaving her penniless? Judging by her big swoonsies every time she sets sight on Daniel, girlfriend doesn’t hold a grudge.

She’s also apparently wearing Fauxmanda’s hand-me-down short-shorts. I’m pretty sure she left a healthy dose of DNA behind on the cafe chair she was sitting while wearing these puppies. 

Even Daniel’s like “Damn girl, are you sure you bought that romper in the correct size?”

 

But like, it’s hard to hate on a girl so clueless she wears a shirtdress to go meet with Queen V.

SHIRT. DRESS. She doesn’t even have Fauxmanda’s excuse of being sociopathic and new in town. Cupcake’s known the Grayson fam for years, so she should know the drill: cocktail looks for breakfast and brunch, business casz for lunch, black tie for dinner and drinks. Girlfriend’s lucky she’s currently the better of two evils in Queen V’s eye at the moment, but the second Emily’s out of the picture, I’m assuming Shirtdress here will take a long walk off a short balcony. 

 

That said, Daniel’s ex weirdly got the most costume changes this week. I mean OK, so one of her outfits was her work uniform, but it’s actually kind of her best look. She also, apparently, single-handedly cater-waitered Emily’s bridal shower without getting a hair out of place. 

It’s a wonder anyone managed to throw an event in Montauk before Cupcake’s one-person-catering-business arrived.

 

Love how Queen V subtly mirrors this b&w ensemble, with colors reversed.

Not the Queen’s finest hour. We all know Victoria’s got a bangin’ bod (she’s shoved herself into enough bandage dresses I feel like I know her curves all too well) but the combo of white accent panel on this Michael Kors dress & overly-cinched belt give her — dare I say — muffin top. If she let that belt out like, three notches, none of this would be an issue.

 

Meanwhile, At The World’s Worst Bridal Shower…

So, I gave outfit of the week to Emily’s white off-the-shoulder look at the bridal shower, but after some consideration, the dress is the least captivating part of this ensemble. But gurl could sell humility to Kanye West if she did it while turning out this flaw-free hair and makeup.

Own it all, darling. I’m dying over the faux-bob and the impossibly precise application of red lippie. Emily’s go-to is a natural palette, but this proves she’s got a mastery of retro glamour as well.

 

Charlotte, who I think is still maid of honour (despite her current slight evil persona), sneers out a toast that basically amounts to, “If you hurt my brother #IWillDestroyYou. Haha, JK! #sorrynotsorry.” Fittingly, she did it in this snakeskin Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress.

Real talk: girlfriend’s only on the show anymore so Jack has someone to talk to, right? But now that Jack’s dating Margaux, Charlotte’s… what? Basically a walking clothes hanger for some slightly edgy looks? Again, we have Margaux for that now. Go full bitch or go home, Char. This in-between wishy-washy business is only taking precious camera time away from our pretend boyfriends (Nolan, Aiden, Jack) or our pretend besties (Margaux, Emily).

 

Speaking of the oh-so-chic devil, Margaux was inexplicably in attendance at the bridal shower. I’ll assume her dress was gorgeous and tailored within an inch of its life, but I don’t know for sure because she was 3/4 hidden the entire time. First by furniture…

… and then by other peoples’ heads. Tradge, she sucks Nolan into her vortex as well.

Nolan seems to be throwing down some Andrew McCarthy Pretty in Pink fashions in this lavender (!!!) blazer and oddly draped scarf but again, I can’t be sure. Ashley-itis is apparently contagious.

Love the new ‘do, though. When you don’t have a collar to pop, twerk your hair.

 

Post-party, Emily chillaxes with her old Revenge Skool friend and current bestie on Nolan’s scheming patio. This is maybe my fav part of this show, how after every major coup the characters take the time to get their drink on and bask in their own evil glory.

Just another day at the office for these kids.

 

The Totally Secret Grayson Sex-partment

I may have reached for an extra glass of TV wine when Conrad gleefully explained to his son about the generations-old man lair that dudes in their family have used to bang their side pieces. First of all: I hope that place has been bleached to within an inch of its life. And second: who decorated this place, Ron Burgundy? 

Well hello there, Don Draper’s bachelor pad from the mid-70s, after Mad Men ends and he’s gross and old.

 

The sex-partment apparently also has its own 24/7 butler service. Does he just sit around dusting when nobody’s there banging?

Is the sex-partment somehow part of Ravenswood? What’s up with the time warp Downton Abbey uniform? Dude has arm garters, you guys.

 

And then, of course, Cupcake becomes the latest unlucky lady to shack up in this mahogany and leather luuurve nest. I’m guessing this is the first time since the 1960s (when Conrad’s Dad undoubtedly shagged a hippie or two) anyone’s shown up here wearing cotton.

“Sir, your lov-ah has arrived. Shall I refill your K-Y dispenser?”

Between this show and Reign this week, TV’s working really hard to try and make being a mistress seem like the most glamorous occupation for a lady. (IMPORTANT NOTE: it is not.)

 

Oh, and just when you think it can’t get any more surreal, Queen V reveals to Emily the Totally Secret Grayson Wife Sex-partment Hotline Number.

I’m not sure if she’s legit pissed or, like most of the viewing audience, trying to contain hysterical giggles at the entire Sex-partment scenario.

 

PLOT TWIST SOUP

So, learning that Daniel’s taken Cupcake to the Sex-partment drives Emily to pull out her last-ditch scheme to ensure the WEDDING OF DOOM won’t be cancelled: fake ultrasound pics!

You can tell the baby’s theirs because it’s wearing a cream-coloured cable knit sweater and has Daniel’s derp face.

That said, out of Emily’s vast array of sweaters on the white/beige spectrum, this Casey cable knit sweater is a particularly good one. We’ve never seen her closet, have we? I picture a walk-in entirely filled with white sweaters and khaki pants.

 

Margaux is ferociously werking her best lady journalist look as she heads for a secret parking lot tete-a-tete with a mysterious souce. Seriously, she didn’t know who she was meeting, yet still gives us this popped-collar trench with statement necklace glamour just ’cause.

Take it home, Margs. Miley Cyrus wishes she could rock this haircut this hardcore.

 

But anyway, just when you thought the plot had twisted itself enough, the show throws down one final shocker: LYDIA. EFFING. DAVIS = TOTALLY. NOT. DEAD

Yup, doing her best Alison DiLaurentis back-from-the-dead impression is Lydia “Nine Lives” Davis. Remember when she was HAMPTONS BANISHED in the pilot episode? But then came back and got thrown out a window and landed on a cab? And then came back AGAIN but with amnesia? And then got blowed up in a plane?

Buckle your seatbelts, kids, because this show is going into OVERDRIVE.