This week, we find fireworks flying over the Hamps both for Independence Day as well as within Casa Grayson due to Victoria’s tantrum over Conrad’s latest PR scheme. Meanwhile Daniel’s too busy making eyes at the Cupcake Lady to notice the sparks (both real and faux) between Aiden and Emily, which works out in Victoria’s favour. On the wrong side of the tracks, Jack struggles to let go of his dead wife so he can voulez-vous couchez avec Margaux. And what to do when your BFF is in the dumps about his boyfriend being BANISHED (tm Queen V)? Why, you help him with a convoluted scheme somehow involving Google Glasses to bring down the mean woman who did him wrong a decade ago. All in a long weekend, my friends. 

 

PR 101

OK, so it’s beyond me why Connie is so determined to keep the Grayson clan together when they all so clearly need to live on separate continents. Plus, he’s not even Governor anymore so why anyone cares about this family is anybody’s guess. Anyway, Papa G decrees that the world must think they are a loving family, a fact he feels important enough to interrupt Victoria’s moment of quiet scheming to fill her in.

Clearly still bummed at sending her firstborn on what I can only assume to be a similar journey to Simba in The Lion King, Victoria’s taken to her dressing room for some peignoir-clad moping. Everything about this satin purple number reminds me of season one, minus the glass of brandy for the plotting balcony. Oh, and whatever it is she’s doing with her hair these days. Can we stop that? She otherwise has magnificent locks, enough with the half-updos.

 

Still, I understand V’s hesitation to trust Conrad’s choice in PR, considering he’s the genius who previously promoted party planner Ashley to family spokesperson a few seasons ago. However, a hearty welcome to Bizzy Preston and her physics-defying Jason Wu top and leopard DVF pencil skirt.

No, I have no idea what’s happening here other than she’s probably charging them a lot of money to tell them they should go out for a few lunches. Bizzy, sweetheart, no amount of lunches and fundraisers is going to fix the Grayson family’s countless burned bridges.

 

Just ask Victoria.

Girlfriend is weraing a knit, which means Bizzy doesn’t even factor on her radar. As we all know, V trots out the bandage dresses and statement jewels when she thinks someone’s worth their effort.

 

Example A: observe as Victoria serves burgundy body-con glamour while scheming with Charlotte to wage a full on Cupcake War to end Daniel and Emily FOREVER ::insert maniacal laugh:: 

See the difference, Biz?

 

But come on, we all know why V doesn’t take Bizzy seriously, and it’s not because Victoria is busy plotting to end her son’s engagement. It’s because gurl dresses like this at lunch.

Seriously, Bizzy? What is this print: Palm Beach Nana? You are a flowy jacket away from the lanai with Rose and Blanche. It’s also giving all of us PR folks a bad name.

 

Glad to see she stepped things up a notch for the big Independence Day shindig.

I am totally on board with this strawberry print Dolce & Gabbana number. The belt is a fantastic choice, and the whole thing has that “let’s have some fun and ruin some lives tonight! Who’s in?!” vibe.

 

Unfortch, she’s back to drabsville with her office getup, a printed sheath that says, “I am a Very Important and Professional Lady With A Very Dull Wardrobe.”

I like this look, but it’s pretty uninspired considering what show she’s on. Even the giant chain necklace isn’t winning her any points. Sorry, Bizzy, but the best accessory for this is the Red Sharpie of Doom.

 

Cupcake Wars

So, we all know how this goes down. We’ve seen Ems in the wedding dress already, so we know she gets him to the altar. Cupcake here (yes, yes, Sarah of the DUI. I know) is merely the latest would-be threat to the Wedding Of The Year.

 

Colour me surprised Charlotte was the first to realize Cupcake’s potential as part of her overarching “WRECK THE WEDDING” plans. The further Charlotte gets from the days of sun dresses and dumb boyfriends, the more impressed I am. Those bangs really were a great idea. And just look at this jacquard RVN dress! It’s like she’s wearing a legit piece of art here.

Enthusiastic golf claps all around for this. Polite applause for her realization about Cupcake. Charlotte’s doing her best to remain relevant to the plot, but she’ll need more than some lightweight manipulation to avoid a Declan-esque exit.

 

Meanwhile, Daniel continues to be the pretty pawn that he is.

He fills out a pullover nicely, and that’s why we keep him around.

 

Cupcake, on the other hand, needs to bring her A game to keep up with this crew. I mean, the Anthropologie style is adorable…

… But she has yet to realize that Emily isn’t just your average romantic rival.

 

I mean, check out our main Revenging girl this week. She is serving up deep teal bandage dresses and fantastically studded tan bags that scream, “Imma marry you and then slowly and painfully destroy you and everyone you love one summer at a time. And you will WORSHIP ME FOR IT.”

All I’m saying is the last girl who tried boho chic against Emily got exploded and sank to the bottom of the ocean. And Emily liked her. 

 

The reason we keep Aiden around

Basically, it’s this.

Dude spends an awful lot of time swimming or just getting out of the shower, and for that, we here at YKYLF salute him.

 

On the rare occasion he puts on a shirt, he’s capable of wearing the hell out of a vest.

Real talk: if it weren’t for Nolan, the menswear on this show would be a True Blood level snorefest. So I have to give snaps not only for the vest, but the detailing on the pocket of said vest. Though Ems might want to downplay the detail in her over-acting. It’s no wonder V is suspicious of her. 

 

Eau d’Ashley

I’m not sure what I think of Margaux. Do I like her? Should I like her? Do I want her to fall in love with Jack? Is she some kind of French double agent? I really don’t know. What I do know is this is a marvellous skirt and blouse combo.

Sadly, that’s the last decent glimpse I get of her outfits for the episode as she treads into Ashley territory, where potted plants, bystanders, blankets and tables all get in the way of us fully appreciating what it is she has on.

 

Exhibit A: What may have been a stunning green dress, largely hidden behind a giant decorative urn.

She wore this beauty to try and seduce try-hard Jack to whom I have to say: seriously dude, ease up on the candles. Did you get her a bed of roses and start playing Bon Jovi as well?

 

Exhibit B: A plunging pink neckline that belongs to what? Is it a Revenge-standard bandage dress? Does it have a surprise girly flair? We will never know. 

Although, I think we can all appreciate that she knows her haircut is perfect for statement earrings. Tres bien, Margaux.

 

Exhibit C: Is this a Project Runway challenge (“Turn this old hippie’s t-shirt into a Fourth of July dress for a foreigner. Make it work, designers!”) or a fun and interesting summer party dress by Rodarte?

Sadly, we’ll never know, and the evidence is now on the floor of Jack’s bedroom. (BTDubs, is Jack going to even pretend that he misses Baby Carl? I mean, I don’t, but I feel like Jack should a little bit). 

 

Revenge is better than a pint of ice cream and binge watching Dawson’s Creek

When Emily walked in to find Nolan with his polo buttoned high, his collar down, and Tevas on his feet, I pretty much had the same reaction.

GURL. Your collar looks so sad! Even your neon pants aren’t enough to mask you sadness.

 

The only thing to cheer up a dude sunk so low is an impeccably dressed friend with an overly complicated revenge plan. 

The real genius behind Emily isn’t that her overly complicated plans somehow work out (why did they plant the fake former marriage of Emily, again? Did I miss that?), but how she takes a simple outfit and makes it look so damn stunning. Khaki never looked so good before it met Emily Thorne. 

 

Of course, no Nolan/Emily plot is complete without some party hijinks and amazing outfits. 

Is that a popped collar I spy? With a hint of red and blue to go with red trousers? Nolan is throwing down patriotic realness and is oh-so-ready to bring down a PR bitch.

 

While his special Revenge(!!!) glasses were a more subtle accent than when he parachuted into the Memorial Day party, I did enjoy his suave “oh here, borrow my readers” move.

Go-go-Revenge(!!!)-specs!

 

Playing wingman for the first time in her life, Ems kills it in this red lace Valentino and low ponytail.

That’s probably my second favourite outfit of the night, topping even Charlotte’s red and white stunner. Again, it’s so simple, yet so very effective — probably because she’s had it fitted within an inch of its life. 

 

And, bouncing back from his two-episode epic love with Patrick’s abs, is Nolan in my fav outfit of the night.

Orange jacket with a popped collar? Subtle nautical stripes? Patterened pocket square? Praise baby jebus, our sartorial BFF is back.

 

And what better way to end a busy day of vengeance than to shed the jacket in favour of a cozy tete-a-tete on the scheming patio with his J.Crewified BFF and two giant glasses of Pinot Noir. 

 

Honestly, their relationship is the only one I’m rooting for on this show. I don’t care who she marries, so long as no one tears these two well dressed Revengers apart.